I'm off to the funeral. I won't be back until Saturday, but hopefully I'll be able to post something before then. Thanks for the kind words and gestures. You all are wonderful.

I haven't cried much. I think in a lot of ways, I am grieved out, but my mom says that's okay. Out of all the deaths that I have had to face over the past few years, this one is the easiest to bear simply because of the long and blessed life my granddaddy lived. I just know it will be hard on my grandmother, who feels lost because she has been his wife for 64 years and they "courted" for eight years prior to that. Pray for her, and pray that I will somehow be able to finish all the work I am already behind on as well as my exams.

Love to you-
Janalee

Exactly What I Don't Want to Tell You, Exactly What You Don't Want to Hear

Well, my grandfather had a massive stroke on Wednesday, and he passed away sometime this morning. I know. I can't believe it either. Although he was 89 and his quality of life has been pretty poor for awhile now, it is still really rotten timing. I'll blog more when I know more.

Love-
Janalee

Back to my Roots

I thought it was time for a fun and thoughtless post. So, here you go. Every few months, I rediscover CMT. Today was that day, and what good timing it was. Tonight, I was mesmerized by a reality show about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Talk about some drama. Whew! It was intense. Worse than a beauty pageant. Cheerleading try-outs always made me want to throw up, and I wanted to throw up for some of those girls tonight. Now I am watching a special about Garth Brooks' exclusive Wal-Mart box collection. Santa, if you're listening, I've been a good girl, and I think I deserve a little Garth. Take that back, a lot of GARTH! There's a sweet tribute to Chris LeDeux, an awesome and sorely missed cowboy, as well as a cover of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's "Fishin' in the Dark." Have I ever told you that is one of my absolute favorite country songs of all time? Well, it is. I love the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. I guess this sudden reconnection to all things country may in fact be due to the fact that I'M GOING TO MISSISSIPPI IN THE MORNING! I haven't been there since May, and I miss my family, and the multi-colored foliage, and even the way it smells. I'll never live there again, but whenever I go back there are certain things from my past that I forgot I love so much. Now, if you'll excuse me, The Dukes are on now.

Theology... AAAAAHHH!

Every student at Truett is required to take theological capstone, and one of the requirements of that class is writing your personal statement of faith. For some reason, this task seems daunting right now. I don't want to do it. I am still grappling with how Kyle's death affects my theology. That single event has become the new Holocaust at Truett. By that I mean, we used to ask, "How could a sovereign God allow the Holocaust to happen to a people he loved so dearly?" "Did God make that happen, or did he allow that to happen?" Now students and teachers grapple in class over God's role in his death. I'm not really sure how this makes me feel. Most of the time when I am sitting still, my thoughts drift to Kyle, Jen and the kids, Craig, Ben and Jamie, the Crowders, and UBC. Last week, I was jilted from one of those prayerful, sorrowful daydreams when a professor, who had just been giving a passionate plea for something, raised his voice a little more to say, "Why didn't the CPR work?" I really can't give you the context for it. I looked at him when I heard that, then I drifted back to wherever I was.

I don't blame people for talking about this in class. Although in many ways, they are outsiders, they too have been affected. I guess some parts of me just know that this is too big to figure out. There is no great answer for the question of why. I don't know if there is any theological concept that is going to put it all into words and make me feel any better. That would just be too easy. I did really love what Craig, a very close friend of Kyle's, had to say. It did make me feel better.

"Rest assured and don't lose heart-- I do not blame God. The person who has
helped me get through Kyle's death is Kyle. The God Kyle worshipped, the God Kyle modeled and who I adopted because of Kyle, is a God who does not cause all things to happen, but allows us to live in a world where fatal accidents happen and who grieves with us."

So many things are so uncertain right now, but there are some things I know. I know that God is near us. I know He was there at lovefeast tonight when Avery wrapped her little arms around my neck. I know that the love we have in our hearts for each other is from Him. I know that God is somehow drawing lots of folks deeper into our community right now. And I know that on October 30, God simultaneously welcomed his beloved child home and wept for the beloved children who were so devastated. Like Craig said, I know he is still grieving with us now. That is a God whom I can love and worship and serve.

Another Year, Another Candle on the Cake

In light of everything that's happened these past two week, part of me wanted to cancel my birthday this year. Part of me feels a little guilty in celebrating it, but the better part of me knows that is a silly thought. It was good, however. It was good because it made me feel loved, and I needed that. I got a massage which was very relaxing and timely, and a ton of good wishes on facebook. My roommate left me a string of gifts in different places today, which lead up to the ultimate gift I got at Outback tonight. Are you ready for this? Drumroll.......................

A Ticket to the premiere of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Dallas at IMAX!!!!!

Needless to say, I am thrilled, and I will get to share that with some good friends. That makes it even better.

Part of me is sad though, because I am thinking about my birthday last year and what a great, life-giving time that was. Kyle and I worked at putting together a night where the Truett students at UBC could hang out with our staff. I think that was the time when I felt like I got closer to him, and that we really became friends. The only night we could do the dinner just happened to be the night of my 25th birthday, and as you can look back and read it was one of the best nights I have ever had in Waco. Here's what I said about it a year ago:

Oh Happy Day...

My 25th birthday was the best one on record. No big surprises or huge gifts, just time spent with some really incredible people- some whom I have known for what seems like forever and love deeply and others who are still strangers on some levels but who are making my heart grow so that I can hold even more love for them. I know that sounds overly cheesy and sappy and sentimental, but it's the honest truth.You see, I really didn't have a birthday party or anything. For a long time I had wanted for all the Truett kids at UBC and our staff to have dinner together, and yesterday was the only day it worked out for us to do that.
Josh offered up his house for a meeting place, and I spent all day yesterday making soup in his kitchen. I scorched the potato soup and blew up Drew's blender making the tomato basil, but other than that cooking was fun. People showed up at 6:30, and we had a great time.

After people left, Kelly stopped by and she and Josh and I hung out in the parlor. I told them that it was the most beautiful day I have ever had in the rootless and transient town of Waco, TX. Kelly expressed that she could tell that this night was really good for me because my whole demeanor had changed. For a night, I reconnected with one of my favorite parts of who I am. It had almost been tragically forgotten. It was like I was back in college planning something great for all the Laguna girls. Being the president of Laguna was probably the one thing that I know I loved doing more than any other, and it's the one thing that I'm pretty sure I was good at. At this point in my life I don't aspire to one day be a sorority president again, but it's always been about more than that.

Last night I was able to put into words a passion I have held for a
long time. I really love creating spaces and times where people whom I love can really have a sense of belonging. Sometimes the word community seems like a trendy emerging catchword, but last night, I realized that it has been one of the most important things in my life
for a long time. I am really passionate about building and fostering community, and that is something I could spend the rest of my life doing. I realize this passion manifests itself in many forms, but I am just glad I've learned how to verbally express what it is I love doing.

Last night I came home and cried because I was so happy. Then I cried some more because I had forgotten what happy tears felt like. I cried again when I woke up this morning because I had forgotten what it was like to wake up feeling so happy. Thank you God for knowing what I need just when I need it. Thanks for answering my prayers and letting something really good happen here.

I still get pretty emotional when I read this. That was a turning point for
me in Waco. I think I may have really hated being here up until then, and now
I'm wondering how I will make it if I have to leave my friends and my
church. Maybe that won't be an issue. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Music and the Road...Part one

This weekend I traveled to Hot Springs, Arkansas for my cousin's wedding. I really didn't want to go because of all that going on right now. I had to miss the UBC fall retreat and that was sad. It was good, however, to see my mom for the first time in like six months. It was also a pretty drive and the leaves were pretty. By that I mean they were about 20 different shades like they always are at home in Mississippi and not two different shades like they are in Texas.

It was really good to be on the road with my music. On the way there, I listened to lots of Coldplay. In my mind, I know that Chris Martin wrote most of those songs for Gwyneth Paltrow, but right now, it seems like so many of them are just for us ubc folks. Kyle Lake loved Coldplay, and it's almost eerie how some of those songs are so appropriate for us now. Some lines haunt me....

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
- The Scientist, Rush of Blood to the Head, 2002

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.
Oh, all that I know,
There’s nothing here to run from,
’cause everybody here’s got somebody to lean on.
-Don't Panic, Parachutes, 2000

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
-Fix You, X&Y, 2005

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someosome oneeone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come,
and set me free,
Just say you'll wait,
you'll wait for me.
In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you say,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
- Til Kingdom Come, X&Y, 2005. (this was our "offertory hymn" today. haha. oh how I love my church!)

Typically, I hate it when people post song lyrics on their blogs. I guess it's because I would rather hear about their lives on their blog and listen to songs on the radio, but sometimes, songs are poetry. Poetry, as defined by Terry York, is truth on the surface that points to a deeper truth still. It 's good that there are things around us, like music and poetry, to help us express our feelings when we can't do it on our own. Yes it's secular, but like a friend said the other day, for Kyle there wasn't much of a line between the sacred and the secular. Where Kyle saw truth and beauty, he saw fingerprints of the Almighty. Now it seems that we are comforted in the fingerprints of God in the music that Kyle loved so much. For that, I am grateful.

Something funny...kind of

Due to all the stress of this past week, the school work I am behind on, and the busiest time of year for my job, I have developed a nervous tic. I twitch. I think it started in the middle of the week last week. I said something about it to Josh on Sunday, but today in Hebrew I probably did it about 10 times. Sometimes my head twitches. Sometimes just my arm. Sometimes it's my whole upperbody. Tonight in college ministry class, my leg even twitched once. I know it's just a product of stress and my body's weird way of dealing with it, but it's annoying, and kind of funny at the same time. Everyone who I tell about it kind of chuckles. Especially Ubcers. Suprising? Well, maybe not if you really knew us. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday. Until then, don't be alarmed if my body moves in unnatural ways when you see me. Sounds a little like a Seinfeld episode doesn't it? I hope Craig, Kyle's close friend and the biggest Seinfelf fan ever, will laugh when I tell him. That might actually make my uncanny medical problem worthwhile.

Going Forward

So today was a more normal day than I have had in awhile. Next week is Operation Christmas Child Collection week, and I am so far behind that it may flop and it will be no one's fault but my own. Apart from almost having an anxiety attack, it was good to be busy. I got frustrated at one point. I was just thinking about everything, and wishing that we could all feel better. I don't want to forget about Kyle in anyway. My obsessive posting should give evidence of this. However, I just wish things weren't so hard for all of us. Grieving yourself is hard enough, but grieving with your whole community I think is harder still. Yes, it's good to have each other, but you don't only hurt for yourself, but you hurt for everyone around you. When I lost my dad, I had plenty of folks from my church there to comfort me. Now my whole church needs to be comforted and my family is so far away but still comforting me to the best of their ability.

I had a few really good moments tonight. I've wanted to be about this business of living life to the fullest, and I guess that as we've experienced this tragedy with friends and as we've grieved together, we've been doing that even in the midst of such awful circumstances. Tonight, however, I felt like I had a moment away from it all. I bought strawberries and dipping chocolate for supper. Kelly and I sat around our coffee table in gourmet heaven, sipping some really incredible chardonnay. She purposely got some chocolate on her nose and I laughed until I almost puked. Haha. I savored those few moments, and I thought to myself that this is exactly what Kyle was talking about. Maybe this business of enjoying life again will commence sooner than I expected.

Aaaah....if only Kelly would have been a cute boy.

Zach Braff Connections?

One of the first things I said to Josh last Sunday was, "He never got to preach about Garden State, and he loved that movie so much." Today, my seminary was an akward place for my church community to meet, but the movie clips we watched could not have been more perfect. I know Zach Braff will probably never read what I posted on his blog today, but I wish there was some way he could know our story. If you've never seen Garden State, it's a movie about a young man learning about home, and life, and what it means to feel and be. That's what Kyle's last sermon was about too. I 'll post it when the manuscript is on-line, but until then here's what I said on the garden state blog. (If you would like to listen to our service today, you can do so at www.ubcwaco.org)

Hi Zach and Garden State Fans-

My friends and I love this movie for multiple reasons, but after this week we love it for one million more.

My friend and pastor, Kyle Lake was a huge Garden State fan. Last week he was tragically killed during a freak accident during a baptism. You can read the full story here www.ubcwaco.org
Every year, Kyle would do a "God and the Movies" series at our church. Each Sunday for a month, he would review a popular film from the past year, and talk about the deeper spiritual truths within it. Last Sunday was the first of the series, and he was going to talk about Garden State. He had been so looking forward to that Sunday for a long time, but Kyle never had the opportunity to preach that sermon himself. Today, as our church gathered again in the absence of our beloved leader, we read the last sermon he ever wrote. It was beautiful. I don't know if anyone knows Zach personally, and Zach I don't know if you will ever read this, but I would love for you to be able to understand how your film impacted our community. Here is the ending to Kyle sermon. I hope you all enjoy it.

Live. And Live Well.BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.

The long awaited week's end

This week is almost over, and I could not be more thankful. I've thought I've felt better the past two days, but then there are moments when I am exhausted with grief. Today I was thinking that I just want this to be over with and for us all to feel good again. Then I realized that it's not really something that ends, but hopefully in time, we'll all feel better. Until then, we are trying to grieve well just as Kyle wrote. That's one that I wished he would've explained a little more.

In the morning, we will meet at Truett. Props to Common Grounds, Baylor's fave coffee house, for donating coffee for us. Kyle was probably the best patron that place will ever see, and so it seems like a fitting tribute for us to enjoy a cowboy coffee for him tommorrow. I dread tomorrow in a way, but I'll be glad for us all to be together. We still need your prayers. This week has shown me that I love this community more than I ever realized before. (go back and read my post from the 28th) I also realized how much they love me. Thank God we have each other UBCers. I only hope that in the days and weeks to come our community and love for each other grows even deeper.

God you are still good. Help us all to remember that.

Kyle's Last Sermon

This is the ending I was telling you about. Incredible.

Live. And Live Well.BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.Get knee-deep in a noveland LOSE track of time.If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own. If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.

The funeral was yesterday. Apart from the completely un-Kyle Lake-like organ music, it was practically perfect. The people who spoke about Kyle's life really painted a complete picture of who he was to me, and I even felt like I knew him better after they spoke. But you know, you really didn't have to know Kyle to feel like he was your best friend. For twenty or so minutes every Sunday, I felt like I was having a conversation with an old friend about the deep things of God, the things which really matter most in life. God only knows how much I will miss those conversations which felt more like coffee with a friend than sermons from a preacher. I felt like there were so many things left unsaid until Dr. Burleson, the officiating pastor at the funeral, read the closing of the sermon that Kyle never got to preach. It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing my ears have ever heard. As one of the leaders in our church said, "I think that's the best s*#t he's ever written." If you are familar with his work, you know that is saying a lot. I think it will be on line tomorrow, and I'll post it here. I have been using the word "divine" to describe it because I don't really think that there is any other explanation for those words to be the last he ever wrote.

As I silently cried in the service, I thought to myself, I wish that every Christian could be here to hear this. I wish that every person in the world could know the joy that comes from life with Jesus the way Kyle lived and expierenced it. That may sound cheesy, but I really was thinking it. I know that those of us who are experiencing this so deeply right now will never be the same. I only hope that however we change, we will live and love our God and all the beauty he has created more deeply than we ever imagined we could. Thank you Kyle, for showing me a glimpse of that. Thank you for drawing me, with your insights and charisma, to the best community I could ever imagine. Thank you for teaching me the beauty of the entire concept and reality of community. Thank you for helping me to see that God is much more likeable than I ever understood him to be. Thank you for proving to me that it is actually okay to say things like that. Thank you for the the example you gave me for the kind of minister that I now desperately want to be. God help me love people as much as Kyle Lake did. God use me in the lives of those around me the way you used Kyle in my life. Let me love you and life the way he did. All thanks and praise be to you O God who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ever ask or imagine. Amen.