Theology... AAAAAHHH!

Every student at Truett is required to take theological capstone, and one of the requirements of that class is writing your personal statement of faith. For some reason, this task seems daunting right now. I don't want to do it. I am still grappling with how Kyle's death affects my theology. That single event has become the new Holocaust at Truett. By that I mean, we used to ask, "How could a sovereign God allow the Holocaust to happen to a people he loved so dearly?" "Did God make that happen, or did he allow that to happen?" Now students and teachers grapple in class over God's role in his death. I'm not really sure how this makes me feel. Most of the time when I am sitting still, my thoughts drift to Kyle, Jen and the kids, Craig, Ben and Jamie, the Crowders, and UBC. Last week, I was jilted from one of those prayerful, sorrowful daydreams when a professor, who had just been giving a passionate plea for something, raised his voice a little more to say, "Why didn't the CPR work?" I really can't give you the context for it. I looked at him when I heard that, then I drifted back to wherever I was.

I don't blame people for talking about this in class. Although in many ways, they are outsiders, they too have been affected. I guess some parts of me just know that this is too big to figure out. There is no great answer for the question of why. I don't know if there is any theological concept that is going to put it all into words and make me feel any better. That would just be too easy. I did really love what Craig, a very close friend of Kyle's, had to say. It did make me feel better.

"Rest assured and don't lose heart-- I do not blame God. The person who has
helped me get through Kyle's death is Kyle. The God Kyle worshipped, the God Kyle modeled and who I adopted because of Kyle, is a God who does not cause all things to happen, but allows us to live in a world where fatal accidents happen and who grieves with us."

So many things are so uncertain right now, but there are some things I know. I know that God is near us. I know He was there at lovefeast tonight when Avery wrapped her little arms around my neck. I know that the love we have in our hearts for each other is from Him. I know that God is somehow drawing lots of folks deeper into our community right now. And I know that on October 30, God simultaneously welcomed his beloved child home and wept for the beloved children who were so devastated. Like Craig said, I know he is still grieving with us now. That is a God whom I can love and worship and serve.