Camp is Insane but Great!

Late nights, early mornings, crazy teenagers breaking rules, and late night fast food runs to escape cafeteria food (or to eat b/c you were too busy to eat super) are circumstances that come with every camp experience. The past two weeks have been no different. More than anything though, God is moving all over the place. I love it! I have so many stories and so little time. Here are a few random ones:

* When my friend Mel and I visited a construction ministry site in Atlanta, we met a lady named Ms. Vivan. The campers were putting vinyl siding on her house. She said, "These teenagers are the closest I get to the face of God." I got chills, and when I got to Mel's truck I cried. It was one of the most incredible comments I've ever heard. That my friends is why I do what I do.

* Last week, a kid walked into the camp store after one of the most amazing worship services I've ever experienced at camp. We did a missions moment that emphasized the country of Sudan that was very powerful. Anyways, when this kid Devin walked into the store he said, "I don't want to buy anything, I just want to know where I can give money to Sudan."

*Another girl in my Bible study group named Jordan told me she couldn't wait to go to the mall. This disappointed me because I am an optimist and I would like to think that kids who come to a missions camp will give to the missions offering, and you can't give sacrificially and still have a shopping spree at the mall. I asked her why she wanted to go and she said, " I just wanted to buy a present for the little kids at our Back Yard Bible Club.

* I met a youth minister named Chuck who is also a cardiology technician. He's been to 14 countries to do medical missions. He's helping to open a hospital in Haiti for AIDS babies. He said they are just lying in cribs, crying and dying, waiting to be held. I cried at this story and told him to sign me up.

* The place we stayed in Atlanta was just a few minutes from the original Chik-fil-A. It's called the Dwarf House.It's open 24 hours, and they bring the food to your table just like a diner. They have the most incredible vanilla milkshakes I've ever had. The Dwe-Z He-Z was sick.

* We arrived in Murphy, NC Friday via a 15 passanger black van complete with spinners on the wheels (I learned that in the hood, these are called Sprewells) and a window unit air conditioner hanging out the back. This all belongs to the lead guitarist Beau. He is something else. Words just really can't describe the vehicle or it's owner. It's like a country boy on a Harley meets a ganster. Imagine if you dare.

*I love Murphy,NC! I think I could live in these parts if the opportunity arose. Just a few miles away is Clay's Opossum Pit in Brasstown, NC. It's the opossum capital of the world. Friday nights they have blue grass music in the back of the store that doubles as the video rental. You will have to see the pictures to believe it. Instead of dropping the traditional apple on New Year's, these gentle people drop a opossum. No, I'm not lying.

I've got to jet to supper. Please remember me in your prayers. Energy is low. Time with God feels short. It never feels like everything never gets done nor every relationship is nurtured. I think it's going to be a great week. I just really need rest. Love to my peeps from the opossum capital of the world.

Another Summer Coming My Way

I'm off for another summer of M-Fuge in the morning. My flight leaves Waco at 6:55. The nervous energy I get at camp seems to have started already. Who knows if I'll actually sleep tonight. Last year, when we were doing camp in B-ham, I barely slept at all. Maybe it's me putting lots of pressure on myself because of all the responsibility I have. With such a small staff, many who have never worked fuge before, I feel like so much of the success of camp is on my shoulders and Toph's. He my partner (camp pastor)for the summer who goes to Truett. He's a great guy. We'll have a fab time.

I've been disappointed in my writing this week. Nothing seems to be very meaty. As I was going to bed last night, I thought about a million things to write about. Everything seemed to personal to put on the internet. There are so many things I need to do right now it seems impossible to focus. Last week, things just flowed. I could hardly stop writing. This week I feel as though I've had to force myself.

This will probably be my last post for a while. I'm not sure how much blogging will happen over the summer. It's hard to find time for things like that. I will sincerely miss these little confessionals.

I long to leave you with something phenomenal, but I'm afraid I've got nothing. If you're reading this, just pray that I will learn to rely on the love God has for me this summer. The thing I need more than any other is to simply trust that God is working in me and through me, even in the midst of the millions of little details of camp.

Farewell for now friends. Thanks for being here.

A Big Step

Tonight, I made a huge break through. I went to UBC Bible Study on David Crowder's front porch. I thought about it for a whole hour, and then I decided that I'd just bite the bullet and go for it. I went, all by myself, and I'm glad I did. We got into small groups and talked about movies, then we looked at 1 Peter 2. It was fun, and the people there are very real. I like them. Making friends won't be difficult. I'm sad I'm leaving for seven weeks, and I won't be able to see them. So goes life and ministry. I felt empowered and independent tonight. I didn't feel like the weird outsider either. Finally, a church that really practices what it preaches. There really is a sense of an authentic community that welcomes and doesn't exclude, and I love it. I think I'm on the way to feeling right at home there.

More Harry Please....

After a long and frustrating wait, I finally went to go see the latest Harry Potter movie today. It was fabulous! Not as wonderful as the book,but still enchanting. The end of book three is absolutely brilliant, and I wondered how they would capture it on film. Needless to say, I was not disappointed. Now I am wishing I could go back and read the last three books again. There just isn't time. I think J.K. Rowling is absolutely brilliant,and her books are great- no matter what any crazy fundamentalist might say!

Feeling More Like Home

Yesterday I drove back to Waco, and this time I didn't cry upon first glimpse of the city. I was excited to come back and see folks and go to church this morning. I may have even cracked a smile. Maybe this place isn't going to be as bad as I thought.

It bothers me that I don't like living here more. There are so many things about seminary I love, but making the connections is still really hard. I talked to a few people at church this morning, and I was excited that they remembered my name. I'm way to skeptical of folks- always assuming they don't want to be my friend or that I'm just not cool enough to be friends with them. The people at UBC seem so great. I just feel like it's hard to get to know folks at first. There's all kinds of UBC stuff I could go to this week, but I'm kind of scared to go without Josh. Buddies from previous lives are like security blankets in new surroundings. What if I go and no one wants to talk to me? I wish I could snap my fingers and make my insecurities vanish. I've been to a few things there before and haven't felt too uncomfortable, but I've always had Josh. Maybe I'll grow up, get over it, and just go.

The pastor at UBC is a guy named Kyle Lake, and we really love what he has to say. I think I could tell you something about every sermon I ever heard him preach. Today his talk was good, but it was one that was hard for me to hear. He was preaching from 1 Peter 1, and talking about how we shouldn't be controlled by our emotions and feelings. How if we don't pray when we don't feel like praying, we'll never become people of prayer, etc. He said that it seemed strange to talk about this in a place that is really big on authenticity and being real. We don't ignore our feelings, but we don't let them dictate our lives. It did seem strange, but I fully agree with all he said. I'm an emotional person; I can't deny it. Many times I think I'm not the person God wants me to be just because I don't feel like it. I'm good at legalism. I'm good at being a slacker in my walk. However, I'm not good at being disciplined, and that's the only good way to go about it. If discipline is the sign of a mature Christian, and I think it might be, I'm not there yet. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard. Then I get really frustrated with myself for acting so fake, that I stop trying all together. You get nowhere that way. Lord, please show me the middle ground. Show me the way you intend for me to live.

Here's a little of the passage we focused on this morning in 1 Peter 1. It's from the Message by Eugene Peterson, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite things.

So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness, God said, "I am holy; you be holy."

You call out to God for help and he helps- he's a good Father that way. But don't forget, he's also a responsible Father, and won't let you get by with sloppy living.

Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. It cost God plenty to get you out of that dead-end, empty-headed life you grew up in. He paid with Christ's sacred blood, you know. He died like an unblemished, sacrificial lamb. And this was no afterthought. Even though it has only lately- at the end of the ages- become public knowledge, God always knew he was going to do this for you. It's because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then raised from the dead and glorified, that trust you God, that you know you have a future in God.

Jesus talked about denying yourself to follow him. This does not often seem fun at the time, but we can really trust Jesus more than our feelings. The way that I can commune with him in prayer, the way I see the Father in him in the scriptures,and the way he shows me how I can relate to the Father is worth more than all else I could possibly want, no matter what I am feeling at a particular moment. This is the deep consciousness of God that I long to live in.

Days Gone By

June 3, 2004

It’s a beautiful thing when your car knows a road so well it makes the right turns all by itself. My car was like today as I drove from Jackson to Clinton. Right now I’m sitting in one of my favorite places- the quad at Mississippi College. It is a beautiful day. My view from under the magnolia tree right next to Provine Chapel is a lovely one. I see the freshly mown grass, new day lilies and daisies, and a new statue of Jesus washing the disciples feet. The new editions don’t erase the happy memories of this place. I think I remember having a great conversation with Nathan Chapman on the bench I’m sitting on right now. Just a few feet in front of me, I served cokes from the Dade Dowdle for President Coke wagon. We were so happy when he one the dirtiest election MC ever saw. I remember meeting Ivan Parke, the most handsome professor in the Christian studies department, on the sidewalk just beyond me, and being embarrassed because as we talked ants started crawling all over my feet. Field Day was on the far side of the quad once. I remember laughing my head off watching Nennies (girls from the really prissy social tribe) eat sardines. Once somebody trashed Ann Ransom’s car and parked it right behind where I’m sitting now. It was quite the joke. When we were Freshman we stood in a line that almost backed up to the flagpole to try and get a room in the New Women’s Dorm the year it first opened. There were lots of BBQ’s, ultimate Frisbee games, concerts, and worship services out here. Mary and I hid Easter Eggs out here once our freshman year for Evan Lenow to find. Inside were messages asking him to Laguna Informal. I once climbed one of the smaller trees just in front of me and pretended to be a squirrel to ask Thad Burkhalter to Laguna Formal. He said yes and the humiliation was worth it. Most of all, I remember the millions of hugs and friendly little chats I would have with people walking to and from class. God I love this place. Why can’t you freeze college in time forever. Maybe I wouldn’t appreciate it as much if you could.

People call MC the little Christian bubble. I hear them complain about how fake people here tend to be. I was probably one of the worst, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about this place. I treasure the people I met as a result of my time here. I love them, and I’m pretty sure some of them still love me. Whatever you want to call it, I’ll call it home because I don’t think I’ve ever felt so accepted in a place. Life goes, on and I’m sure the best days are yet to come, but I will always look back on my time here with fondness. I feel so peaceful sitting here now. I feel comfort from the past, excitement for the future, and contentment in the present. Life feels pretty sweet from this little green bench in the center of my former life.

Beautiful Crazy

Foreword: I haven't been able to get to an internet the past couple of days due to my traveling, so here's what's been happening.

Wednesday June 2, 2004

Earlier this evening, I typed a beautiful entry telling you all about my day. I pressed the wrong button and it vanished like dust in the wind. That put a damper on a perfectly marvelous day along with the fine white dust found all the things in my room, the pungent odor of mothballs coming from my house, and the complete upheaval to my routine. Still, the day was simply lovely. Allow me to explain.

The last days of a trip home seem to be the most hectic. This week has been no different. Just when I almost get into a rhythm of being here, just when I have things to do and I start to enjoy myself, I have to leave. Sad story.

This was a really happy day because of all the reunions that occurred. First, I saw my oldest friend, Hollye Whitehead Rhodes, for the first time as a married woman. Her house was stylish and cute, her hair was long, and her shiatsu Jazzy is so big! She says that money and sex cause lots of fights when you are married. I buy that. For the most part, she seems really happy, and I am sincerely happy for her.

When I came home from lunch with Hollye, I played with the girls for a while. Allison was cuddly, and I always love that. If they grow out of the cuddly phase before I have kids, I’m not sure what I’ll do. They formed a human chain across the door when I tried to leave. This was a little annoying, but mainly it was just plain cute, and it made me feel loved. They don’t like it when I go. Last night, Allison said, “Aunt Jana, do you love us?” I was slightly surprised by the question to which I replied, “Well, yes baby. You know I love my girls.” With a hurt look she said, “Then why do you leave us and go to Texas?” Yes, that was the sound of my heart breaking. There are things about my hometown that I despise, but comments like that make me want to high tail it back here for good.

A second reunion was with my fellow prodigal daughter of Kossuth, Amanda Marsh. She’s a friend from high school who’s been all over the world doing missions for the past few years. She even spent sometime at a Bible college in London just to soak up the Word. Her father was killed nearly a year ago when an 18 wheeler hit his tractor alongside highway 45. Obviously, we had a lot to talk about. We compared notes on the pain of losing a father. It’s rare I really talk candidly about losing my daddy. I find that people love me and want to listen, but there is always a degree of discomfort attached to such a heavy and painful topic. There was no awkwardness in this setting. The pain is just too real for the both of us. We didn’t have to try hard to imagine the grief the other was experiencing, or think of just the right things to say. Grief is an ever present force in our lives, and we both know there’s really nothing that can be said. Being able to relate to someone in this way is a sad but beautiful thing.

We also shared about life beyond the borders of Alcorn County and the important spiritual lessons we’ve learned along the way. We talked about our frustrations with the legalistic brand of Christianity widely found in the Bible belt, and our frustrations with ourselves for being overly critical and cynical about the whole subject. Overall, it was the kind of conversation I’ve been longing for. When we said goodbye, she called me a kindred spirit. That touched me deeply. It made me feel like it was okay to be me, and that having the kind of connection I want to have to people really is possible. Thank you God.

The crazy part of the day was that Yancey Heating and Air spent the day at our house installing CENTRAL! That’s right. For the first time in 24 years of living in the same house I can finally throw away my electric blankets and ugly air conditioning units. I can sleep naked in the winter, and I won’t have to sleep naked in the summer anymore. Yippee! THE DOWNFALL- Our attic has not been entered by humankind since the house was built 30 years ago. When the worker started climbing up there today, they came across a most unwelcome visitor. While I’m sure it is only a chicken snake, these big burly young men were scared out of their wits. My dad was never frightened by a little old chicken snake. Where are the real men I ask you?

There are presently holes in the ceilings, and so mom and I are currently residing next door at Maw’s house. Still no sign of our reptilian friend, but the house is scattered with mothballs. Pray they do the job. There is also a thin layer of white dust on lots of my stuff from the holes they made in the ceilings and walls. We can’t get much done during the day tomorrow with workers traipsing through the house. I want to leave early Friday morning for Jackson, so this will make for a hectic Thursday evening of packing, and much less time for goodbyes.

Today was worth the inconveniences that had to be endured. Thank you God for the beauty in the midst of the crazy.

Listen up You Silly Matchmakin' Fools...

I'm very proud of the fact that I've been blogging for over a week now and haven't really said anything about the boy-factor or the lack there of. However, recent events have prompted me to address a related topic.

Sometimes I wonder why people are so hellbent on matchmaking. I would include myself in this number, but I couldn't tell you why. There's just something about romance that is fun! We take such pride in saying, "You know, I introduced those two", or "I knew all along they were meant to be." I am seriously beginning to wonder if people hold any true matchmaking talent or if the interests grows with age. My friends of the senior persuasion tend to be the worst, followed closely by those friends who are recently engaged or married.

My family started in on me today about a boy from Waco. They meet his parents, found out he was single and a Christian, and it was downhill from there. I know people mean well. I'm sure that from time to time I give off the vibe that a male friend would be nice, but there really have to be limits.

For example, I have a friend who people have ragged me about for years. If I hear the words, "You guys would make such a cute couple" one more time, I think I might seriously puke. If you see two people standing beside each other, and you think to yourself, "Wow, they sure would have some beautiful kids", does this give a reason for a lifelong commitment and romance? Last week, someone very close to me asked me about the possibility of a relationship with this person. The subject had never come up before, and it really upset me. My friend said, " Maybe you will start talking to him. Every time I see you two together, I think about how cute you guys are." I would like to think that this friend knows me well enough to know what I really want in a relationship and that it would never be found with this certain guy. Apparently, I was wrong. My friend meant well, but it hurt deeply. I would like to think that those who know me best care more about me having a deep, honest, spiritual connection with a man than how I look with him.

For anyone who maybe reading this and has or might have a wild oat to one day set me up, thanks for loving me and wanting me to be happy. Just know that I really desire to be with someone who I can connect with on a conversational, emotional, spiritual, social, and cultural level. Keep in mind the conversational, emotional, spiritual, social, and cultural shift my life is taking. It is fun to try to pair people off, but remember how seriously I take the proposition of a committed relationship. Remember that I don't know any kind of relationship but a committed one. Therefore, how I look with a guy is on the bottom of the priority list.