I know. I've been away for awhile. There were so many things I wanted to write about, and I just knew that being at home in sleepy Mississippi would allow me the time to do so.

Well, not so much.

The past nine days have been incredibly hectic. Both my uncle and my Maw Maw spent Christmas in the hospital. I am pretty sure he's going to be alright, but we are pretty sure she has cancer. I think I told her goodbye for the last time tonight. I should be thankful for the opportunity to do that. We didn't have it with my Dad nor with Kyle or even my Granddaddy. That sucked in so many ways, but saying goodbye tonight was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, probably the hardest. She loves me more than anyone, and it is going to be really hard to loose her. Coming back to Waco is going to suck, and I didn't think anything could make me say that right now.

I could have made time to tell you earlier, but I'm so tired of giving you bad news. Part of me didn't want to say anything, but I am no rock. This I have learned. Thank God that I do have a Rock to stand on and some incredible people to hold my hands when things get crazy.

Please pray for Maw Maw Ottis (pronounced Aahh-tis as opposed to Oh-tis) and all of us Shadburns. (In case you were wondering, it was my grandfather on the other side who passed away at Thanksgiving). Thanks so much to all of you who have been there for me during the past few months. It means more than I can say.

Love,

Janalee

An Answered Prayer

The past week has bee a crazy blur of papers and hebrew vocabulary. I've told you the details but that's about it. Although some things have been entirely too crazy, there's also been so much beauty in little moments and songs, and it happens more often and faster than I can write about it. But writing about it is exaclty what I need to do because I too do not want to forget.

Hearing David Wilcox live was an experience I will not soon forget. He is a poet, and I am learning to appreciate those with the poetic gift more and more. I've known this for awhile. I've been listening to him off and on since college via Josh. He says that Wilcox is better with metaphor than anyone around. It's probably true.

I can't tell you about every song he sang and how each one spoke to me, but I can tell you that they did. It felt like church in a lounge with adult beverages, and I loved it. Yes, I know three years ago, I would have never dreamed of saying such a thing. No, Truett and my "emerging church" have not corrupted me. If anything, my experience these past three years has helped me to love life more than ever before. It has helped me look for holy moments beyond the four walls of a church, and I have found plenty of them. My favorite song of the evening was about this very idea.

Peter Mayer actually wrote the song "Holy Now", and thank God Wilcox borrowed it from him. (I guess I'll have to share some of David's lyrics another time.) Anyways, Mayer was in catholic seminary studying for the priesthood. His life took a change of course, and he became a singer song writer. The song lets me know he would have made an amazing priest, but I am glad he's making music instead. This song struck a cord deep within me. After it was over, I turned to Josh and said, "this is so us." (us meaning UBC) . Tell me what you think.

Holy Now

When I was a boy, each week
On Sunday, we would go to church
And pay attention to the priest
As he would read the Holy Word.
And consecrate the holy bread
And everyone would kneel and bow
Today the only difference is
Everything is holy now.

Everything, everything,
Everything is holy now . . .

When I was in Sunday school
We would learn about the time
Moses split the sea in two
Jesus made the water wine
And I remember feeling sad that miracles don't happen still
But now I can't keep track
'Cause everything's a miracle

Everything, everything
Everything's a miracle . . .

Wine into water is not so small,
but an even better magic trick
is that anything is here at all.
So, the challenging thing becomes not to look for miracles,
but finding where there isn't one.

When holy water was rare at best
I barely wet my finger tips.
Now I have to hold my breath
like I'm swimming in a sea of it.

It used to be a world half there
heaven's second rate hand me downs
but I'm walking with a reverent air
cause everything's holy now.

Read a questioning child's face,to say it's not a testament,
now that'd be very hard to say.
To see another new morning come,
to say it's not a sacrament,
I tell you that it can't be done.

This morning outside I stood
And saw a little red-winged bird
Shining like a burning bush
Singing like a scripture verse
It made me want to bow my head
and I remember when church let out
how things have changed since then,
everything is holy now.

It used to be a world half there,
heaven's second rate hand me downs.
I'm walking with a reverent air
cause everything's holy now.

I sat in the dark with David's guitar glaring in my eyes, and I cried silently. Every week, Kyle prayed for us. He prayed that we would embrace beauty. Listening to that song, I realized that God answered his prayer in my life because now I see beauty everywhere. I'm not sure I ever cared to look for it very much before, but now it overwhelms me, and I love God all the more for it. I always liked that prayer and now it means more than ever.

My semester is over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never been so glad to see something go.

Victory is MINE!

At 12:10 pm this very day, I officially completed all of my language requirements. NO MORE DEAD LANGUAGES FOR ME! With everything else going on, I didn't even think about that unitl right before Dr. Tucker passed out dreaded Hebrew exam. I pretty much went out on a dud with that one. I don't think I've actually sat down and translated Hebrew since the last week of October, but it's OVER. Hooray for something being over!


More elation coming on Thursday when my semester from hell is officially over.

Today

I cannot bring myself to study Hebrew tonight. That would be such a mundane ending to a beautiful day. (Not that you can’t find beauty in the mundane, but I can’t get the rest of today off of my mind.) Brian McLaren was at UBC, and boy was I glad to see him. It was good to have him there. I heard the talk he gave before at EC, but it fit well in the Christmas story. Anyways, I got to talk to him for just a few minutes after the service. I told him that I was indebted to him because if I had never read A New Kind of Christian my senior year of college, I would have never come to UBC or to Truett. He kind of blushed and put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Well, it’s easy to see and to feel that there is a lot of grace in this place.” I agreed, and it meant a lot to hear him say that. Since he is like a mentor to me through his books, I felt like I really understood what he meant and that he really meant it. A touching little pastoral moment between me and the B-Mc. It was actually quite lovely.

Then I went to eat Chinese food with the El Paso kids. They are this gang of sophomores in our church, and they all hale from El Paso. They amaze me. They are so smart and fun and accepting. I wish I was asking the questions they are asking when I was 19. I love them a lot actually.

My good friend John Young was ordained at his church tonight. Our mutual friend Jonathan Potter came in with his football gear on, (He was playing in the UBC jingle bowl and his team won! Sorry about that interception Ben. That had to suck.) Anyways, he brought a sign to the ordination! It said in big purple and green letters, “WAY TO GET ORDAINED JOHN!” It was pretty funny.

I’m working on a musical project. Keep reading. I want your input. No, don’t worry. I won’t be singing. I think it will be both therapeutic and meaningful. I can’t wait!!! Seriously.

So if you have never heard...
live in concert, you should. It'll change your life. More later after finals are over.

Home Again

After I got home yesterday, I realized there was tension in my back and my arms again. Then I realized that I was twitching again. That all started a few days after Kyle died, and it has been a few days since my grandfather died. I felt overwhelmed by all the school work that was piling up. I thought I lost my cell phone. More stress. I made it to two different parties, but I was dead on my feet. I came home to sleep but I could not.

This morning was the first time I made the right turn to go to the Hippodrome. Every other Sunday since that day, I’ve headed straight towards 17th and Dutton and then I remembered and turned around.

I was glad to be with all of them this morning even though there were many I didn’t get to see. The boys were back in full force today, and they played and sang their hearts out. They sounded better than ever. We were singing the rock opera (You are My Joy) at the top of our lungs, and I’ve never cried that way during a song like that. I cried because I felt so blessed, and then I looked over and saw Jen and I practically lost it. I lost it because my heart breaks a little more every time I see her, and because he should have been there beside her, with his hands raised, screaming about his joy at the top of his lungs- just like he was the first time we ever sang that song. Then I cried some more because I realized after all that’s happened, we can still sing about joy and mean every word. I don’t know what my life would be like without that community, and I’m not sure I have ever loved it more than this morning when we were screaming about our joy.

I’m not twitching and my back is not hurting anymore. I think I’ve found a cure for all my anxiety related problems. Keep your fingers crossed.