Let's Hear it for the Boys

Ever since I was little, I have loved boys. As a four year old, my first crush was on my sister’s friend, Douglas Coleman. He was the cute nerdy guy. He actually reminds me of George O’Mally on Grey’s Anatomy. He was also an older man, but when he was 13 and I was only four, we went to the Justice of the Peace booth at the Kossuth High School Fall Festival, and we got married. I even had a blue plastic ring. My sister signed our wedding license.** A few years back, Douglas married a pretty blonde named Katie. I guess that makes him a bigamist. Go figure.

I’ve always thought that men were more fun and less drama than girls. It’s always been easier for me to spill my guts to a guy. It seems like they don’t judge you as much, and they know how to keep secrets better than we ladies do, or maybe they just forget what you tell them in the first place. Either way, men are mostly laid back and easy going. I appreciated that.

The problem is that men don’t seem to stay in the picture for me. It’s true that I’ve been Miss Single Mingle for the entirety of my adult life, but that’s only part of it. Over the past few years, many of the prominent men in my life have somehow disappeared. My dad passed away in 2002, and I was devastated. I didn’t know who was going to hold me, give me money, take care of my car, help me move, or call me baby. It was hard. It’s still hard, but I’ve learned to cope. He raised me to be strong and independent, and I’m thinking he didn’t do such a bad job.

The semester after he passed away, I read The Story We Find Ourselves In. I love so many things about that book, but my favorite part is when Neo is telling Carrie about creation, and he talks about how God created the opposite sex to help us rediscover a lost part of ourselves. Basically, he says we need each other. I remember feeling the truth of that statement, and a relief swept over me. I was okay. You see, somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that it was some type of sin to need anybody other than Jesus. I tried to convince myself that if men were going to abandon me, I could abandon them. They didn’t need me, and I sure as heck didn’t need them. Although I learned I could do many things for myself, I couldn’t shake the longing for a person with testosterone, no matter what kind of crap I tried to sell myself. Brian put things in perspective for me once again. This time he wasn’t so much teaching me about how to be Christian, but how to be human. Sometimes, that is the more important lesson.

Things in the guy arena have not been perfect since then. There are definitely times I get lonely, depressed, and bitter concerning men. Last night I was reminded that even though there’s nobody for me to make out with right now (which sucks in its own right), I still really need men. They remind me how human I am. They are opposite, and in being so they help me to know myself. They remind me I am a girl, and even though I’m “egalitarian” these days, I still think that’s a good thing.

My thorn in the flesh is my tendency to equate my self worth with the amount of attention I receive from men. I think that’s at the root of my bitterness. I’m tired of it, and I want to share with you my personal remedy project. I’m making a list of all the guys who are in my life, and what they mean to me. It’s hard being a gushy person, and not feeling you have the freedom to gush over people. It would be weird if I wrote you a note to tell you how I feel. You might think I’m a stalker or a home-wrecker since some of the guys on this list are married. I assure you I am neither. I’m just trying to live fully and appreciate the people in my life. There really are great guys in my life who care about me, and I'm grateful. It's good to tell people what they mean to you. Good for you and for them. So, I figure if I appreciate you publicly and all at once, it wouldn’t be so weird. For time purposes, I’m going to limit tonight’s list to those who I know read my blog from time to time. So here you go:


Josh- Our friendship has been a rollercoaster, but in the end, there's no doubt I'm a better person for it. You are my brother, for better or for worse. You know me better than anyone and you still put up with me. All the meals I cook for you could never adequately say thank you for that. Don't get excited. I'm still waiting for my gourmet feast.







Vernon- You truly are George Castanza, and we wouldn't have it any other way. I can't wait to read your novel. We really love you whether you know it or not.







Jeff- I would not like my job half as much as I do if it weren't for you. Everyday, I see your compassion and gentleness, and I think about what a fantastic person you are and I know that you are going to be a great minister, husband, and father one day.















Tina a.k.a John Young- You are hands down my favorite llama. You are crazy, and I absolutely love you for it. You challenge me to be real. You teach me how to be a good friend. I love your heart and perspective on ministry and following after Christ.





And while we're at it....



Jonathan Potter- You are the coolest boy I know that actually talks to me. I love hanging out with you, but of course, most of the ladies do. You are straight up chill, and I think you have a calming effect on people. John needs a friend like you, and so do I.













More fellas tomorrow. These guys are just the beginning. Stupid blogger won't let me put any more pictures in this post, and Starbucks is about to close.

Facing the Demons of My Past in My Semester of Practicality

So this semester started off about as crappy as the last one ended, but the good thing is that all of my most difficult classes are behind me, aside from Scriptures 4 with the distinguished Dr. Todd Still. This semester I have the pastoral/ministry/leadership classes. The weighty theological classes and scholarly biblical classes have always been more difficult for me, but let me in a class about rethinking the way we do church, ministering to the needs of people, or leading congregations and I light up. This semester is different though. There are a few things I have really been dreading about it, like for example...

1. Visiting the funeral home (which I skipped out on today with the complete blessing of my prof. I think it's the best thing in the world that ministers in training do this, but let's be honest. I've spent more than enough time in those places lately. It is a sadly familiar routine. I thought I'd be better served by sleeping a little later and working out this morning.)

2. Hospital Chaplaincy-Here I've chosen the difficult route. I'm visiting patients on the renal/geriatric floor which is the last place I saw both my daddy and my maw maw. I made my first rounds on Tuesday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually liked it.

(So two down and I'm making it , but the one to go is what I'm most nervous about)

3. Learning how to baptize people in the pool at the SLC. Maybe I should have saved the skip for that day. I know I really need to do it. It would probably make the first true ministry experience with baptism a little less scary. The truth is that baptisms will never be the same for any of us. They may actually be painful for a really long time (like maybe forever for some of us), but I don't feel like I should run away from them because of my fear. So pray for me on Feb. 9. WAIT, I'm out of town that day. Darn...Good... Hell, I don't know what it is.

All that worry for nothing, but maybe Dr. Price will take me and the other UBC kids in that class another time. I still don't wanna run. I know baptism is a beautiful thing in the life of a church and of a follower of Christ. The fact that it will stir up so many other things in us from now on is tragic on about a million of different levels. I don't know what else to say but dear God please heal us.

So, I've been tagged again. This time by Jordan. I secretly like these things, so I will play along again.

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD:
1. Lifeguard at the Corinth YMCA
2. Housekeeper and Lifeguard at the Gulfshore Baptist Assembly (may it rest in peace)
3. Master Teacher at M-Fuge Merge (or as Kate McKown likes to say "the morning preacher")
4. Youth/Children's Minister at Burch Hill Baptist Church


FOUR MOVIES I'D WATCH ON REPEAT
1. You've Got Mail
2. Steele Magnolias
3. High Fidelity
4. LOTR: Return of the King

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE
1. The West Wing (It going off the air in May. My heart just broke a little more.)
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Miami Ink

FOUR VACATION LOCALES I'D LIKE TO HIT:
1. Rome, Italy
2. Sun Valley, UT (only during Sundance)
3. Atlantis Resort
4. DisneyWorld (never been)

FOUR WEBSITES I VISIT DAILY
1. www.relevantmagazine.com
2. www.ubcwaco.org
3. www.facebook.com
4. www.blogspot.com

FOUR FOODS I LUST AFTER:
1. Ninfa's Spinach Encalidas with chicken
2. My Aunt Barbara's Bologna Gravy
3. 12oz. Outback Special
4. The whole menu at P.F. Chang's

FOUR CHANGES I'D MAKE TO THE HOUSE:
1. Bigger Kitchen
2. More space to entertain
3. A front porch with a swing
4. It would be a house and not an apartment!!!

FOUR BEERS I LIKE:
Hey, I think my mom reads this.

FOUR TAGS:
1. Ashley
2. Meg
3. Wade
4. Jason

Legacy

So I've been back in Waco for a week now. I'm okay, but still pretty sad. Someone asked me yesterday what it's like losing people who are so close to you and how you process and deal with it. I gave what she called the textbook answers. I write about it. I pray alot, cry myself to sleep alot, cry to people who love me, and I try to be as honest with God as I can be about the way I feel. That's what I do. I told her, "what you have to learn to do is to live life without the way that person loved you." To me, that's the hardest part. Losing my Maw Maw has been more like losing a parent than a grandparent. Since she lived about 50 yards from our door, I spent almost as much time with her at her house as I did with my parents at our home. For some reason, I look like my mother, although at the funeral people kept telling me I looked like my father, and I love people like my Maw Maw and her son, my Daddy, loved me. My therapist says (and I won't become one of those people who always says "my therapist says", but this is so good I have to give her credit) that it is a tremendous legacy of love. Maybe so, but it hurts so bad right now because I feel like I'm the last link in that chain. I know plenty of people love me a whole whole lot, but it's just such a heartbreaking thing when the people who taught you how to love, the people who love you exactly the way you love other people and really long to be loved pass on. Too many tears. Enough of that for now.

I'll leave you with this. In Mississippi, people don't let me officially preach, although everybody pretty well knows that's what I've been doing since I was 15. They do however allow me to give eulogies. I did my cousin's at 16, my father's when I was 22, and last week at 26, I wrote and delivered the euology for my Maw. It's pretty simple. I wrote it with all of the young great grandkids in mind including my seven year old nieces, Allison and Ashley. So here it is. If you don't feel like reading it all and I would never blame you for that, I think the last part is the best.

One of the last memories of my Maw Maw is a visit we had in the hospital on Christmas Day. I brought her a movie to watch. One that you great grandkids really like called “Because of Winn Dixie”. In that movie, a little girl remembers those that she lost by making a list of 10 things about them, one for each year she’d been alive. Well, I’m 26, and I could tell you 26 million things about my Maw Maw Ottis, but I think 10 is a good number for today.

Ten things about my Maw-Maw:
1.She was a social butterfly. Always loved a crowd and was a little bit obsessive about numbers. She loved to count the number of people at her birthday parties and funerals of family members and the programs she planned for the senior citizens groups she was involved in. She showed her love for people by playing hostess, and I think when you came to visit her or to an event, that really made her feel loved

2.She could make the best homemade biscuits you ever had in your life. Breakfast at her house was a true event.

3.She loved history and genealogy. And if she would have had the resources, I’m sure she would have gone half way around the world to track down the identity of one of our Tolar ancestors.

4.She was a softie when it came to us grandkids. I myself as the baby will no doubt spend the rest of my adult life trying to get over her endless spoiling.

5. She loved to read a Psalm everyday. God’s word was a part of her life.

6.She gave of what she had although she never really had a whole lot. She was never stingy in sharing her money, her home, her time, or her cooking. Maw Maw indeed was a true giver and almost all of us here today were blessed by her warmth and hospitality.

7.She loved her singings. Maw Maw got a lot of joy out of the old time hymn singing, and even more than the songs themselves, I think she loved the company of friends who were always singing the same songs.

8. Maw Maw loved a good story. She liked to read them, and hear them, and tell them. I know that she was really proud that all of you great grandkids love stories as much as she did.

9.Maw Maw was a lady full of compassion. She was kind to animals and people alike. She told me once that her mother always told her to throw out anything that would help a living creature because they all belonged to God, and of course as a result of this we attracted a ridiculous amount of stray dogs and cats. And as for her compassion towards people, she was a jewel of a friend to have. If you cried, she cried with you. If you laughed, she would laugh with you, and if you were made, she would get mad for you. She was wonderfully understanding.

10.(And this is probably the most important thing I learned from her) Maw Maw’s life wasn’t necessarily an easy one. She lost her mother at a very young age. As young woman, she lost a baby. In the last fifteen years of her life she lost a sister, a husband, her eldest granddaughter, her youngest son, a beloved son-in-law, and many dear friends. Still even up until the very last days, she had a real joy. As sad as things were for her, she always found things in life to love, namely her friends, her family, and her God. She was a lady who had a sincere faith in a God that always carried her through. And while there were many sorrows, she was always quick to remember all of God’s many blessings.

Today for myself, for my family, and for all of us who love my Maw Maw, Ottis, it is my prayer that we would have this same kind of faith- that though we live in a world where really sad things happen, our God is love. He does not forsake us, but instead he heals us and blesses us and holds us always.

My sweet Maw Maw is resting in the arms of her savior tonight. We learned she had cancer this week, and our family is thankful that she did not suffer.

As of now, I think I'm going to be alright, but can I just tell you that all this is starting to get really old. Seriously.

A Holy Click and a New Year

New Year’s has been almost as great as Christmas was hectic. It just reminds me that life can be good and crazy at the same time. I got to spend the last moments of ’05 and the first moment of ’06 with friends at Candace and Scott’s wedding and with more friends at Tom and Craig’s place. It was great to be with all of you. Seriously. You have made me love being in Waco, TX, and there was a time not long ago when I thought that was impossible.

Ubc met at Truett today. I can’t wait for you all to hear the new song. (Maybe he’ll sing it at passion. If you are reading this from Nashville, you should skip whatever you are doing on the off chance you might get to hear it.) I knew there would be songs to come out of the experience of the last few months. I’ve been anxious to hear them, and this song makes me all the more anxious to hear the next. I cannot explain how incredible it is. The chorus says something like, “You make everything glorious (3x), and I am yours so what does that make me?”

I’m glad I first heard those words at Truett. It made me think of something I first heard upstairs two years ago. I can’t keep up with all they try to teach us in seminary. Sometimes it seems like the deep mysteries and complexities of the Trinity are flying at you faster than you could possibly process them. Thankfully, some things stick in your mind even though you don’t grasp them at the time. While I was listening to this song, I remembered a quote from a church father. After about a nanosecond on google, I rediscovered that it was Irenaeus. He said, “the glory of God is man fully alive.” Needless to say, it was one of those “holy click” kind of moments. You know the ones. They happen when you finally grasp a truth you’ve heard or maybe even preached for so long. Sometimes they happen for no real explainable reason, and sometimes events and relationships point you to truth with marquee lights. I guess that life is often our most thorough teacher.

So thanks Irenaeus for sharing your holy click with us.
Thanks Dr. Roger Olson for making us read original texts in Text and Tradition I.
Thanks Dave for your song.
Thanks Craig for you prayer.
Thanks Kyle for your life and your words.
Thanks UBC for letting me live life with all of you.
And thank you God for all you are and what you have created us to be.

My new year’s resolution- be fully alive. People sometimes use “glorify God” or the “glory of God” like so many other Christian clichés. I’ve never understood the idea of God’s glory and my involvement with that like I understood it today. That doesn't seem to be so much of a cliche for us. Maybe it’s because we give a little more definition to the idea of glorifying God when we say, “As we approach this week, may love God, embrace beauty, and live life to the fullest." Maybe it's because I see people trying to live that out with all that they have, and in the process, I know I am loved.