We're Going Public With This

So I'm a little afraid now that I know people might be reading this. Please click on the comments button to offer any feedback. I was thinking people might think the name of my blog is stupid. It's okay if you do. I agree it's a little quirky, so I'll give you a little more background. When driving home to Mississippi from Texas, I stopped to grab lunch at Cracker Barrel in Texarkana. (Shout out to my roommate, the Bainer!) I was thinking about how much I like that restaurant. That week I was reading this great book called Blue Like Jazz. It could be the most honest book I've ever read. In fact, it's probably what inspired me to start writing. As I was chowing down on my meat loaf, I was thinking, 'If I ever write a book, I should call it Confessions of an Unlikely Cracker Barrel Junkie'. Again I will admit this is cheesy, but it's also kind of fun. Since I'll probably never write a book, I thought I might as well use the name for this blog. Hope it doesn't scare people off. It has that flare of country yet it also sounds a little distrustful and slightly beyond all that is country. I think that describes a bit of who I am. People in Texas think I'm as country as it gets. People in Kossuth think that I've become a city girl, and they can't understand why. I'm not sure that I'm either town nor country. Maybe I'm suburbia. I would like to own a Volvo station wagon to haul my kids to soccer practice in one day!

Random Sunday and More Transitions

What's up Cartoon Network?

I took a really long nap this afternoon. Mom did not wake me up for church, which I'm sad to say was perfectly alright with me. We had the twins and their older brother Mac spending the night last night, so it was musical beds in the Shadburn household. I wound up crashing with my mom who snores, poor thing, so there wasn't much sleep for me. Anyways, I was excited about tonight because for the past two Sunday nights, the Cartoon Network has been showing the animated versions of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Tonight was supposed to wind down with The Return of the King. Imagine my disgust, when I turned on satellite channel 175 and saw Tom and Jerry!UGH!!!!!! The schedule had not changed on the remote control TV guide. What a bummer!

More Transitions

Every time someone moves to a new place, they experience some sort of social transition. The social transition in Waco has been a hard one for me. Don't get me wrong, there are some great people here. It's just hard to live down the whole MC experience. I loved that place, and I feel like it loved me too. There were definitely times I did not feel that way, especially when I didn't get asked to homecoming my senior year. The thing I loved about MC (Mississippi College, my alma mata) is the way I had a place there. Laguna, my social tribe aka sorority, gave me a sense of belonging and accomplishment. It's where I invested most of my energies in college. It was my family, my ministry, and my social network. I loved it. It may sound shallow to a lot of people who don't really know me well, but Laguna did a lot to boost my self esteem. I learned a lot about myself as far as leadership and friendship goes. I miss those girls and our beaux. I miss having excuses to go out with boys. I miss having devotions, parties, and meetings to plan. I miss having a place that made me feel important, to be transparently honest and shallow. Importance or self worth should not be based on accomplishments, but on the way God looks at us and loves us. This is a lesson I'm learning, but I'm still not completely there.

I miss my gang of girls. Kat, Liz, Mar, and Jen- I love ya'll so much still. MC would not have been as sweet without you girls. While I'm slowly making friends in Waco, you guys will never be replaced. Thanks for putting up with little old insecure me.

I miss my guy friends as well: Ryan, Blake, Wade, Joseph and the beaux. Come to think of it, I had a host of guy friends there. There was never a shortage of hugs. You guys made me feel loved. Daniel Hogue made me, and probably every other girl at MC, feel like a hottie sometimes. Friendly flirting was allowed and not really taken too seriously. This is not the case of Waco. In fact, if I'm lucky I might get the occasional hug from Drew and if he's feeling sweet, Josh. Thank God these two MC friends are here. Maybe being huggy is a Mississippi thing that other states haven't clued into. Maybe it's a college thing that you are supposed to grow out of. Maybe seminary boys are just scared of seminary girls. Whatever it is, it's rough for a really huggy girl like me.

Last, but definitely not least, I miss my FBC Clinton family and the whole Burch Hill BC gang. At FBC Clinton, I had little brothers and sisters, moms and dads, and grandparents in the faith. Those relationships and my whole experience there as a youth intern are invaluable. When I think about it, I feel blessed beyond measure. I miss the ministry, the laughter, the D-Nows, and my afternoon visits with the ladies in the office. I miss the our stained glass Jesus in the sanctuary and the smell of the youth ministry office. I miss hanging out with Barbara Brown on Sunday mornings during youth Sunday school. I miss Tom Coots' coffee. I even miss the way Clay, Wade, and Jay would pick on me. I'll stop now before I begin to tear up.

Waco is not Clinton. Truett is not MC and never will be. I shouldn't compare the two, but that's so difficult. In many ways, I feel I've spent the past year grieving for Clinton and not really living in Waco. That makes me sad. I hope I can be a better friend to my new friends in Waco next year- that I can get over myself and really love them they way they deserve to be loved. I hope that I won't be as afraid to initiate the hugging. I hope I have really important heart conversations. I hope that one day, I'll really feel like I belong here. And I really really hope that I make some substantial and deep friendships at UBC, and that it will become a part of me too. I really miss that church already, and I feel like I barely know anyone there. It just gives me this really great vibe. I hope it keeps on coming.

Transitions 2

The person I was is not like the person I am becoming, yet the passions and scars of the past will always haunt my perspective. Being at home in Kossuth these past few weeks has allowed me to reflect on the past. I'm not the girl who was so hell bent on being a Super Christian. I really think that was my life's ambition in high school, maybe into college even. While I believe there were times of genuine faith and connection with Christ in the days of my adolescence, there was lots of legalism. I had no idea what the word legalism meant at that period of my life. Being steeped in the cultural Christianity of the Bible Belt, I made every effort to be the model saint. Some things I really took a harsh stance on things without really knowing why. You know, all those issues that the fundamentalist conservatives would die for: not consuming alcohol, bashing gays, and prayer in schools. This was the only kind of Christianity I knew. I tried as hard as I could to do everything right, but I always felt like a miserable failure because undoubtedly I would lust, doubt, or slack off on quiet times.

Towards the end of my college experience, I started getting frustrated with it all. Then in a Christian Education class, I read a book called
A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren. Looking back, I think it had a pretty profound impact on my life. McLaren's thoughts and ideas were a cold drink of water to my parched soul. This was a whole new way of following after Christ that I had never seen. It excited and enticed me. It helped me to see that it was okay to be real about your struggles with faith and to be the person you really are. I began to understand that Christ's life was more about loving people than judging them. This helped me to quit judging people- most of all myself.

I'm still processing what I learned from that book, and my views on church and God are still changing. I am still changing. The hardest thing is having this new outlook, but still being surrounded by the old model.

I've started reading this book called Girl Meets God. It's written by this really hip chic named Lauren Winner who is Jewish but then becomes a Christian. While she is ready to divorce Judaism and embrace Christianity, she struggles because she comes to Christianity with a Jewish perspective that is hard to shake. I feel the same way about my current transition. While I'm upset with the traditions, ideas, and practices of the brand of Christianity I knew when I was younger, it has a profound impact on the way I view the new kind of Christian I want to be. I pray, that though I'm not a profound conversationalist, God sends relationships my way that will help me in this journey. I'm a person that really needs to talk things out with someone who has real patience. That leads us to transition 3 which we will definitely have to save for tomorrow. Mom and I have kept the kids all day, and I am pooped.

Where I am Now

It has come to my attention that I haven't really written anything that seems very important since I've created this blog. While I don't want to revert to my former life of legailsm by laying out strict rules for myself about blogging, I do want to talk about God, family, faith, relationships- all that is really important in life.

I don't really know where to start other than where I'm at right now. Where I'm at is transition. First, there are a lot of things about my faith in Christ that are transition from my head to my heart. During my first year of seminary, I've learned enough to make a simpleton's head explode.(Being a simpleton myself, I guess I'm pretty lucky.) The most important lesson I am learning is that God really likes me just the way I am. (just like Collin Firth in Bridget Jones Diary)So much of my life has been wrapped up in trying to be this perfect little Christian, but the fact is that I'm not and I'll never be. I'm learning that I can be exactly who I am, and not always have to apologize for it. Now I can revel in the fact that Jesus intensely, tenderly, and passionately loves an insecure, loud, overweight, and shallow-minded little country girl like me. Jesus loves me this I am learning. It is moving from a cliche ingrained in my brain since birth to a place in my soul that is changing me.

That's the first and most important transition. I'm pretty tired, so I'll tell you about the rest tomorrow.

Important Tips for Road Trips with Kids

Today my mom and I took my twin nieces, Allison and Ashley (age 6), to Alabama to see my grandparents. The trip is just over and hour and a half, but you can imagine all the things that could happen in and hour and a half with two kids in the backseat of a Toyota Camry. Yikes! Oddly enough, the drive was relatively uneventful, with only a few occasional whines and no big skirmishes . I account our success to two things. If you are a parent or if you aspire to be one- TAKE NOTES!

1) Con your kids into asking Santa for a portable DVD player for Christmas. Today we watched The Wild Thornberry's, Strawberry Shortcake, and Jimmy Neutron on the drive to bamaland.(Also might be important to con your kids into family movies that you will enjoy as well, and not Strawberry Shortcake or nicktoons. Disney movies are much more entertaining to adults- wouldn't you agree?) I can assure you, it was the most peaceful hour and a half ever spent with these two in a car. Thank you God for modern technology!

2)If that fails, stop and buy some benadryl! It's quite a beautiful medicine. You can practically give it to kids anytime you want them to go to sleep, and it's totally safe. Besides, kids always have runny noses!
The bottle we bought didn't have a measuring cup so I just gave them a capful on the drive up. That didn't do anything. On the way home I gave them two capfuls, and they were out! For future reference, I would recommend one and a half capfuls. The girls were a little groggy after an hour long nap.

Really, I love kids! Especially Allison and Ashley. They are getting so big, and today they read me Green Eggs and Ham. I was one proud aunt. (tear, tear)

A Friendly and Familar Place  

Welcome to my Blog!

Pretty high tech for a little girl from Kossuth, eh? I think so. Anyways, after attending the emergent convention last week, I've got a lot to process. I've been hearing people talk about these blog things for a while now, so I figured why not start my own? I've known for a while that I needed an outlet to express myself within community; this sounded like a good way to do that. Maybe someone will enjoy it, but regardless I think it will be theraputic for me.

So what's up with the title?

I'm glad you asked. Kossuth, MS was the setting for my idealic childhood. As one of my friends says, "take your second left past the speckled cow, and you're almost there." Our home in Kossuth is truly nestled in the backwoods of Alcorn county. My dad built our house in the early 70's, and my mom is just now remodeling things. Our family room is the one room that will retain it's original look- very rustic, much like a cracker barrel. My dad threw a lot of his decorating opinion and tastes into this room, and this room alone. After he died two years ago, Mom couldn't bear to change it too much.

I'm on the road a fairly good bit, and I'm always looking for a Carcker Barrel. I love to pick up a book on tape for the road, and strech my legs in the gift shop. Yes, I know it's a pretty weird hangout for a girl of 24, but something about it is like a home away from home. If I'm in Philly, PA or in Greenville, TX, I can walk in Cracker Barrel, order a plate of meatloaf and cornbread and biscuits, admire all the rustic antiques around me, warm myself by the stone fireplace, and expereince a happy rush of memories from my childhood home.

Yes I'm fully aware that this is darn cheesy, but feeling at home is an important thing. After living in Waco, Texas for nearly a year now, it still doesn't feel like home. Maybe it's not supposed to, but Kossuth feels less and less like home each time I come back. For me, I guess that home is a place where you feel like you belong. To borrow the old addage from Cheers- where people know your name, and they're always glad you came. It's a place where you can be exactly who you are and not have to apologize for it.

In my search to belong somewhere, Cracker Barrel is a familar and happy roadstop along the way.