EVER THE ROAD GOES ON

Living the questions and trying to think theologically... and practically. Learning that these things are more synonymous than I once thought.

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Location: Dallas, TX

Monday, September 27, 2004

Yello...

Tuesday was the two year anniversary of my Father’s death. So much has happened this week, I feel as if I haven’t had much time to really think about it. Maybe I just haven’t wanted to.

It’s a funny thing losing a parent. There’s a quote from this book I read once called Life of Pi. It’s about this boy who loses his whole family in a tragic boating accident, and he gets stranded in a lifeboat with a most unlikely character. Anyway, he said, “When you lose your brother, you lose your best friend and playmate. When you lose your father, you lose your protector and source of wisdom, and when you lose your mother, you lose your sun.” I can relate to that middle part. It does seem a great source of wisdom and love escaped my life when my dad past.

I think I remember him just as clearly as ever. I can remember the way he smelled, the way he’d come home from work dusty with sheetrock, and the sound of his voice calling me baby. My dad was so tough and strong that guys were afraid of him, but really he was just a big teddy bear. He loved people, and he couldn’t tell them no. Sometimes I felt like we didn’t see him very much because he was so busy fixing every leaky sink of every widow woman in Alcorn County. He was good to the core, and you were hard pressed to find anyone who could say one ill word about him.

He had a deep voice that would bellow through our house when he’d answer the phone by saying what sounded like, “Yello.” God, I loved that. I never thought about how country he sounded. He was just Daddy- the best man you could ever hope to know.

My favorite singer/songwriter, Andrew Peterson, wrote a song about his dearly departed grandfather. I’ll never be a songwriter, but the people who’ve love me deeply and who I have loved encourage me to be poetic. My life has been forever impacted by two carpenters from the countryside who really had a lot in common when it comes to love and sacrifice. This poem is partly inspired from Andy’s song, “Tools” , from the life of my dad, and from that Jewish carpenter from Galilee.


I remember you just as strong as the big oak tree
That we passed walking to Maw’s house everyday
You’d put your big arms around me
You’d love and kiss and hug me
As I was running outside to laugh and play

Daddy, I know you loved me more than anything
And I hope I’ve made you proud
But Daddy Texas sure is big and I’m feeling all alone
I’d give anything just to talk to you now

You were never much for material things
There’s not a lot of “stuff” you left behind
But you’d spend your last dime to buy me pretty rings
And you gave me all the happiness and love that money never buys

So what do I have to remember you by but a shed of rusty tools
But like Andy says the faith and love and hope you gave
Are what I treasure most
They’re the best things about me and I know they came from you

Just like another carpenter I know
You showed the world what it meant to love unselfishly
Like the Savior you laid it all down for your friends
And that’s the best kind of person I could ever hope to be


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Confession

Lately, my level of honesty on in this cyber confessional has astounded even me. In lots of ways, I’m a person who’s not scared to say what others will only dare to think. On the flipside, I’m terrified to let myself really be vulnerable with people- often sacred to talk about the things going on in my heart, the things that really matter. To me, that is part of the beauty of blog. I can let it all out, and you can tell me that I am crazy, pathetic, depressing, or all of the above. That’s cool. That’s what this is about. Coming clean.

So after further conversation with my roommate, Kelly, I have come to some important conclusions. I do indeed suck at friendship. So to any who reads this and thinks of me as a friend, I’m sorry I’m such an asshole, especially to you girls. I feel it’s time for a real confessional. So here goes.

1. I am so starved for attention from guys that I am often threatened by girls. This frequently causes me to become jealous of other women, even those closest to me. I don’t know why this is, but I truly hate it.

2. It’s so easy to be envious of others, especially girls, who have perfect bodies, (or for me, even those that wear a size 12), boyfriends, two front teeth, money, lots of girlfriends, and probably more than anything, a Dad. Thinking about these things often makes me want to shy away from hanging out with girls a lot.

3. I don’t invest in people the way I should. It’s not because I dislike others, but because I dislike myself. I often don’t think that anyone would want to really spend quality time with me, because I wouldn't’t want to if I were you.

4. I have never had to really go out of my way to try and make friends. It seems as if they have always just been at my feet. Waco is not like that. I'm learning that real friendships do take effort. Friendship may even be defined as lovingly going out of your way for another.

5. Jesus said there is no greater love than someone laying down their life for their friends. I've never really studied that verse with much scrutiny. I have always placed it in the context of him giving his life for us. Then sometimes I think it means being willing to take a bullet for someone, which I would gladly do for lots of people. Maybe it means even more than that though. Maybe it also has to do with laying down your pride and insecurities, and loving people in spite of what you believe they think of you, and caring more about how they feel and how they are than how they make you feel.

Confession may be good for the soul, but it's also exhausting. Good night friends, if it’s still alright for me to call you that. I promise I'll try to be a better one.

Monday, September 20, 2004

The Waco Blues

Today, I woke up and took a really long walk. Mondays are depressing sometimes because I don't have class and everyone else is busy working. I did all my homework this weekend, and I am having a hard time convincing myself to be a nerd and get ahead on some assignments. I really need to get a job. I'm starting to get the Waco blues. This happens when I see everybody else making friends and having fun while I just sit in this apartment. It's not as depressing as I am making things sound. I had a really good time hanging out with people on Friday night. I see people and hang out and do social things. I think what it boils down to is this: I am friendly with lots of people in Waco, but I feel like I have very few real friends.

The consequence of being such a social butterfly is that you don't really know how to get to know people on a deep and intimate level because you spend so much time trying to know everybody. I really do like the fact that I am a friendly person that tries to make everyone feel welcome. Maybe I am that way because it's so hard for me to feel like I really belong in a place or moreover an intimate group of friends. This is how I feel in Waco anyways. People would probably say that I am on the inside of a large social circle, but I feel as if I'm hanging out on the edge of it by myself most of the time. Why? Well, this is a multifaceted answer. It's partly because Kelly and I are really the only two people in this circle that don't live in a house with five or six of our friends. Most of the time I'm glad I don't have to deal with the drama of living with six girls, but apparently you miss out on a lot of friendships when you don't. Living in a house with five guys sounds more appealing but totally immoral. Another reason for this feeling is that I wasn't here this summer to grow relationships I already have here like many of my friends were. Above all, I have this fear that I am not cool enough or smart enough to really be tight with the people that surround me. It's not always from things or emotions they protrude, but it's more often due to my own insecurity. My insecurity is like a devil that haunts me. It's the one thing I pray about and beg God to take away, but it doesn't seem to have budged yet.

I wish I had happier things to say, but this is all I have right now. I'm sure I'll see people tonight or tomorrow, I'll be reminded that I am not as unloveable as I think, and I'll feel much better.
If only I wasn't so self centered, maybe then I'd have happier things to say. I just really want to find a group of people who want to be with me, and that make me feel just as wanted as anybody else. Love and acceptance- aren't those really the only things that anyone wants?I guess all this talk I am always hearing about community has more value to it in my own life than I have ever realized before.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Like a Grandma

Happy Grandparents Day! I hope you are all doing well, if anyone is actually reading this. Tonight we had a lovefeast at my church. Lovefeast is a cool name for a potluck. It was also a term the early church used to describe a meal that was shared within their community. Looks like I am learning a little something along the way at this seminary place.

Anyways, it was a special Luby's Lovefeast in honor of Grandparents Day. We had good old home cooking, and then we played BINGO. Yes, bingo. I made cornbread, and I baked a ham. Someone commented that I was acting like an old lady, and I said, "Well, at this church, I am one of the old ladies." I hung out with lots of fun 19-year olds tonight. It was great. They liked my accent. The tables were decorated with glasses of purposefully tacky flowers with fake dentures in the bottom. There were denture cleaning tablets laying all over the place. I grabbed a few on my way out. I'm sure I was the only person in the joint who could actually use them.

Well, it's 9:30, and I'm seriously considering taking a bath and going to bed. Yep, you can just call me grandma.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Sweet Tea Mishap

So, I've tried to post some this week, but everything I've written sounds so depressing. I've just been going through the social slump of getting back into the swing of things and relationships here in Waco. It's seems that we are all busier as second year students and we don't see each other that much. I'm also spending time getting to know new students and making friends at church which has been really cool. I always find myself within this dynamic tension of getting to know people and nurturing the relationships I already have. I'm not so sure I'm good at balancing the two.

I really don't have a lot to say. I think I have a job with an after school program two days a week. It pays well, but I don't get many hours. We'll see how that goes.

I do have one funny story to share with you. Last night I went to the Truett picnic and afterwards Kelly and I hung out with some Truett students. We were sitting at my new friend Will's house, and being the wonderful southern gentleman he is, he made sweet tea for us. I was sitting on the couch with my glass between my legs. My phone was sitting on my left leg. When I moved my leg, the phone fell in the tea. I spent most of my Saturday in Cingular getting a new phone. If you're a cell phone, and you have to drown in something, at least my little sony ericson passed in the housewine of the south.

Yes, I have started drinking sweet tea. Go figure. I grew up in Mississippi, and I never liked the stuff until I moved to Texas and there's a shortage of it. Then, my phone meets its tragic end in a glass of it. Maybe that's a bad oman. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Friday, September 03, 2004

All by Myself...Don't Wanna Be....

WARNING: This is by far the most candid and intimate look into my innerself that I have ever shown you on blogger. You may not be able to handle it. Proceed with caution. This is a depressing and painfully honest look into my loneliness. Please don't worry though. I promise you I'm not consumed by it, but only wounded from time to time.

Alone is a place that I am learning to live. It’s a struggle, but it isn’t all together bad. It’s definitely never a place I ever dreamed I’d be on the brink of 25. Well maybe that’s a lie. I’ve always had this annoying little “what if” which I attempt to entertain as little as possible. On those rare instances when I would let myself dare to imagine what seemed like the nightmarish world of being single at such an age, I thought it would look different than this. I thought that I’d surely be over the fact that I’m alone. I’d pray for hours a day and take care of orphans in my spare time. If I couldn’t be married to a man, I’d be married to the church, and I’d be perfectly fine with that. When I come to that darkest place of honesty with self and God, I must admit that the church has always been second choice. That’s probably horrible, and the Lord knows I’ve prayed for things to be different. The guilt I feel over the consistency of these disordered desires is overwhelming. But at age 24, nine months, and 16 days I want the husband, the little white house, and the cute kids as much as ever. Since I’m coming clean, I’ll just tell you that this is my very oldest dream.

This dream is so different than all the rest because I don’t think there is a damn thing I can do about it. This doesn’t happen by dedication and hard work. You can’t go on this quest for the perfect mate and then make them fall in love with you. It just happens. If I was a guy, I could ask a girl out. I could do something about this state of singleness, but I was born with the other equipment. I could be the strong aggressive type of woman and grow balls and ask the man out. Some guys like that sort of thing. My problem with that is that I’ve found too many great guys who I’d give anything in the world to be with, but for some reason they don’t find me. I won’t begin to speculate as to why here, although I must admit that I frequently speculate about this, and it depresses me more than anything in the world. (Again, I’m in seminary. AIDS orphans in Africa, my plentiful array of sins, and all the people in the 1040 window should be the things that truly depress me.) What it all comes down to is this- as desperately as I am seeking that most special of men, as much as I want to find him, I want him to find me even more badly.

Call it the damsel in distress syndrome. I guess I am like any other woman who wants to be rescued and thought of as lovely as John Eldridge might say. I hate that. I want to be more than just a girl seeking a man to rescue her. I want to be… well… me. And I want me to not feel a sense of helplessness or unworthiness because of the lack of a romantic relationship. I want Janalee to be this amazing person full of life and interesting things unique to her. I want to know that this person is worth getting to know on a deep spiritual level. I want to love in such a way that is so real it cannot be mistaken for anything but love.

There are valuable lessons learned from being alone. I’m learning to know and love myself. I think that’s important for everyone. I like the time I have to process and write about things like these. I like the social freedom that singleness affords. I can hang out with whoever I want whenever I want. I do love that part of it. The term free as a bird comes to mind. Freedom is a nice thing, but even birds have the natural inkling to reproduce and to do all that reproducing involves. Aaah…yep, it’s definitely better to be married.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Everything I Forgot to Tell you

So much has happened in the past two weeks, it's been impossible to blog about it all. So I'll just give you the highlights.

1. School started! Which I was kind of excited about, but that feeling said goodbye when the homework started to pile up.
2. I dropped my Scriptures III class. I felt overloaded, and there was only one other girl in the whole class. All the guys are married, and they either want to be theology professors or pastors. Needless to say, I felt really out of place on top of the $300 bill for books that class would require.
3. I spoke at UBC on Sunday. I showed a few pictures and talked about my summer. It went okay.
4. UBC people came to my house for Sunday lunch, and that was really special.
5. On Monday, I had my dental implants. Getting titanium screws drilled into your gums is never fun. It's Wednesday now, and I still feel groggy from going under and from all the pain meds. Hopefully this feeling will subside by tomorrow.
6. Still no job but I'm looking.
7. This weekend I'm going to see the Clinton Arsenal soccer team play at a tourney in Dallas. Ryan and I will get to hang out and see some of our old youth, and that'll be great.
8. Tonight, I'm going to my first community group at UBC. It's on the book Adventures in Missing the Point. It's been on my shelf for a while now, and this will finally make me read it. I don't know anyone else who will be there, so it'll be a good opportunity to meet new folks.
9. Covenant group started today. For those of you unaware with Truett life, covenant group is like an assigned accountability group where you work through different areas of spiritual formation each semester. The focus of this semester is evangelism. I think evangelism is important, but I'm not sure that spiritual formation is the proper place for it in seminary. I'm pretty sure, my new ideas on what evangelism should look like, though not completely in stone, do not look like what was described to me this morning. This will be an interesting semester.
10. Sunday I'm going to a cook-out that my new Sunday School class is having. I'm pumped about that. The class is called Messy spirituality, and it seems we're focusing on the whole desensitizing and reconstruction issue. This is something I feel that I'm constantly doing, so I'm hoping this class will help me on that journey.