Living the questions and trying to think theologically... and practically. Learning that these things are more synonymous than I once thought.

Location: Dallas, TX

Tuesday, September 21, 2004


Lately, my level of honesty on in this cyber confessional has astounded even me. In lots of ways, I’m a person who’s not scared to say what others will only dare to think. On the flipside, I’m terrified to let myself really be vulnerable with people- often sacred to talk about the things going on in my heart, the things that really matter. To me, that is part of the beauty of blog. I can let it all out, and you can tell me that I am crazy, pathetic, depressing, or all of the above. That’s cool. That’s what this is about. Coming clean.

So after further conversation with my roommate, Kelly, I have come to some important conclusions. I do indeed suck at friendship. So to any who reads this and thinks of me as a friend, I’m sorry I’m such an asshole, especially to you girls. I feel it’s time for a real confessional. So here goes.

1. I am so starved for attention from guys that I am often threatened by girls. This frequently causes me to become jealous of other women, even those closest to me. I don’t know why this is, but I truly hate it.

2. It’s so easy to be envious of others, especially girls, who have perfect bodies, (or for me, even those that wear a size 12), boyfriends, two front teeth, money, lots of girlfriends, and probably more than anything, a Dad. Thinking about these things often makes me want to shy away from hanging out with girls a lot.

3. I don’t invest in people the way I should. It’s not because I dislike others, but because I dislike myself. I often don’t think that anyone would want to really spend quality time with me, because I wouldn't’t want to if I were you.

4. I have never had to really go out of my way to try and make friends. It seems as if they have always just been at my feet. Waco is not like that. I'm learning that real friendships do take effort. Friendship may even be defined as lovingly going out of your way for another.

5. Jesus said there is no greater love than someone laying down their life for their friends. I've never really studied that verse with much scrutiny. I have always placed it in the context of him giving his life for us. Then sometimes I think it means being willing to take a bullet for someone, which I would gladly do for lots of people. Maybe it means even more than that though. Maybe it also has to do with laying down your pride and insecurities, and loving people in spite of what you believe they think of you, and caring more about how they feel and how they are than how they make you feel.

Confession may be good for the soul, but it's also exhausting. Good night friends, if it’s still alright for me to call you that. I promise I'll try to be a better one.


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