Living the questions and trying to think theologically... and practically. Learning that these things are more synonymous than I once thought.

Location: Dallas, TX

Monday, September 20, 2004

The Waco Blues

Today, I woke up and took a really long walk. Mondays are depressing sometimes because I don't have class and everyone else is busy working. I did all my homework this weekend, and I am having a hard time convincing myself to be a nerd and get ahead on some assignments. I really need to get a job. I'm starting to get the Waco blues. This happens when I see everybody else making friends and having fun while I just sit in this apartment. It's not as depressing as I am making things sound. I had a really good time hanging out with people on Friday night. I see people and hang out and do social things. I think what it boils down to is this: I am friendly with lots of people in Waco, but I feel like I have very few real friends.

The consequence of being such a social butterfly is that you don't really know how to get to know people on a deep and intimate level because you spend so much time trying to know everybody. I really do like the fact that I am a friendly person that tries to make everyone feel welcome. Maybe I am that way because it's so hard for me to feel like I really belong in a place or moreover an intimate group of friends. This is how I feel in Waco anyways. People would probably say that I am on the inside of a large social circle, but I feel as if I'm hanging out on the edge of it by myself most of the time. Why? Well, this is a multifaceted answer. It's partly because Kelly and I are really the only two people in this circle that don't live in a house with five or six of our friends. Most of the time I'm glad I don't have to deal with the drama of living with six girls, but apparently you miss out on a lot of friendships when you don't. Living in a house with five guys sounds more appealing but totally immoral. Another reason for this feeling is that I wasn't here this summer to grow relationships I already have here like many of my friends were. Above all, I have this fear that I am not cool enough or smart enough to really be tight with the people that surround me. It's not always from things or emotions they protrude, but it's more often due to my own insecurity. My insecurity is like a devil that haunts me. It's the one thing I pray about and beg God to take away, but it doesn't seem to have budged yet.

I wish I had happier things to say, but this is all I have right now. I'm sure I'll see people tonight or tomorrow, I'll be reminded that I am not as unloveable as I think, and I'll feel much better.
If only I wasn't so self centered, maybe then I'd have happier things to say. I just really want to find a group of people who want to be with me, and that make me feel just as wanted as anybody else. Love and acceptance- aren't those really the only things that anyone wants?I guess all this talk I am always hearing about community has more value to it in my own life than I have ever realized before.


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