Home Again

After I got home yesterday, I realized there was tension in my back and my arms again. Then I realized that I was twitching again. That all started a few days after Kyle died, and it has been a few days since my grandfather died. I felt overwhelmed by all the school work that was piling up. I thought I lost my cell phone. More stress. I made it to two different parties, but I was dead on my feet. I came home to sleep but I could not.

This morning was the first time I made the right turn to go to the Hippodrome. Every other Sunday since that day, I’ve headed straight towards 17th and Dutton and then I remembered and turned around.

I was glad to be with all of them this morning even though there were many I didn’t get to see. The boys were back in full force today, and they played and sang their hearts out. They sounded better than ever. We were singing the rock opera (You are My Joy) at the top of our lungs, and I’ve never cried that way during a song like that. I cried because I felt so blessed, and then I looked over and saw Jen and I practically lost it. I lost it because my heart breaks a little more every time I see her, and because he should have been there beside her, with his hands raised, screaming about his joy at the top of his lungs- just like he was the first time we ever sang that song. Then I cried some more because I realized after all that’s happened, we can still sing about joy and mean every word. I don’t know what my life would be like without that community, and I’m not sure I have ever loved it more than this morning when we were screaming about our joy.

I’m not twitching and my back is not hurting anymore. I think I’ve found a cure for all my anxiety related problems. Keep your fingers crossed.