It's the first anniversary of Kyle's death. I want to be eloquent and reflective, but more than anything I'm exhausted. Maybe that's appropriate seeing as how the most exhaustive year of my life, and many others, began a year ago today. I worked from pracitally 11-9 and so the most downtime I've had was driving to Richardson for a company meeting and listening to Coldplay. I did get to process things a little yesterday though. I led a time of rembrance last night at Journey, and that was both good and difficult for me. Anyways, I'm tired. For some reason, I'm reliving the fatigue of grief today. Being tired with grief is a very certain tired. It's holistic. Not the way I wanted to spend today, but it is reality. I'm about to enjoy a hard cider and maybe watch Kyle's film before bed. To my ubc readers- I've wanted to be with you today more than you can understand. I love you, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

Wherever you will go - dedicated to janalee

Have you ever looked you name up on YouTube? This is my favorite video, dedicated to me. I'm still laughing. Who the heck is this kid?

Say it ain't so George!

http://imdb.com/news/wenn/2006-10-20/

One of the reasons I like Grey's Anatomy so much is because of George O'Mally. I've always said that George is my McDreamy. Knowing that in real life he doesn't really like girls, makes me pretty sad. He's just such a believeable lovesick little puppy. I'm officially depressed.

And what about this rumor that Isaiah Washington called him a horrible slur and almost got into a fight with Dempsey about it? This makes me nervous and even more sad, especially after they did that nightline report on race in hollywood. It just seems like Washington would be more tolerant.

Last Sunday

Yesterday, my friend Christy randomly posted a blog about this beautiful little church she and her husband always pass on their way to A&M, and it just so happens that I got to preach at the very same St. Paul's in Marlin last weekend. It's the most picturesque place I've ever been to in Texas. I loved being there. The people were so sweet. Most were over 70 and they grew up in this church and heard sermons in German until the 50's. The whole experience was just too precious for words- the people, the liturgy, the weather, and the quaintness of it all. I've been in lots of little country churches, but I've never enjoyed worshipping in one as much as I did at St. Paul's. (Thanks to Craig for recommending me). If you ever want to experience something different on a Sunday morning, I highly recommend it. (It's about 30 minutes west of Waco on highway 6) Here are some more pics for you to enjoy.

I was told this was the "best kept cemetery in Texas". I believe it.

J-lee in the News and the News from J-lee

My good friend Sam has quite a blog following, and every Friday, he's writing about a different woman he knows within the emergent conversation. This week is me and you can click the link to his blog on the left or also see it at https://fs-exchange.baylor.edu/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://mainstreambaptists.blogspot.com/2006/10/stepping-it-up-profile-2-janalee.html


Also, you should know that I'm looking for a church to serve in. Preferably here in Texas or in the Southeast. I wasn't ready for a long time, but being with my Truett community this week made me want to be on a church staff. I can't explain it, but it just did. My friend from home called me out of the blue on the day of the funeral. He wants me to apply for a position in a church that is just a few hours away from my family, but 15 hours away from all I love in TX. I couldn't tell him no. Then I thought that I might as well get my resume to as many people as I know if this doesn't work out. So it's being passed around. I'm praying and waiting, and I feel more at peace and less restless now. I think it's time for this step.

And Grace Will Lead Us Home

Today was the most life giving day I've experienced in a long time. On a lot of levels, I guess it shouldn't have been. I was in the same place last October (or I guess it was the first day of November), for the same reason. As I took my seat, I thought, if you have to grieve, there are no better communities to do that with than the two I was blessed to be a part of in Waco, TX. If we had not grieved as well and as much as we have over the loss of our leaders, I'm not sure they would seem quite as meaningful.

Dr. Foster had a way of making her students, her children, feel so special. I felt that way today when we remembered her together. In fact, I can't quite remember the last time I felt so cherished just because I was a part of something. We were loved, prayed for, and always blessed by this remarkable woman simply because we sat in her classroom. I wish I could bottle that service and those feelings and send them to you all. I wish you could hear the power and faith of Dr. Ngan's voice as she read from Isaiah, Dr. Garland translation of the Greek as he read from Dr. Foster's first Greek Bible, the earnestness of Dr. Stroope's prayer, the usual eloquence and life in Dr. Gloer's words, and the laughter from jokes about margarita's, meat lockers, and not wearing pantyhose to glory. I wish you could see the way Dr. York was overcome with emotion as he watched our Truett family sing Amazing Grace. I wish you could feel the hope and glory that was in my heart when we sang "we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we first begun." Kelly and I both cried hard. Not only because we were sad and would miss this lady who taught us to believe in ourselves, but because it all had such meaning.

I want to believe these two funerals are like bookends to a hard year, for me and a lot of other people. But life is just hard. Ruth Ann knew that. She taught me about how Martha understood that Jesus was the Resurrection and the Life. When it looked like things couldn't get any worse, there was the resurrection and in that there is immeasurable hope. Today was a beautiful and needed reminder of that. Thanks be to God.

Dallas: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Today I went to Central Market for Organic Milk, one of the only things I'll buy there, and there was a jazz band playing on the second level. I felt like a total snob for being there, and living in such a place, but I guess I should appreciate it on some level. There is a lot to do here, and I've met a few cool folks. I love Journey. I love the State Fair of Texas. I love being relatively close to Waco. I love the skyline, but I hate the traffic and not being able to see the stars.

I hate not having a job that can support me. Right now, I'm baking cookies (seriously, that's what I'm doing) for a living and it doesn't even begin to cover the rent. I don't like being a financial burden on my family. I been thinking about moving to Memphis to teachj. It's as close as I would ever be to home, and it seems like a financially wise decision, but I'm afraid I might be miserable there- a place deeper in the Bible belt, less appreciative of women with M.Div.'s, and less likely to know what it means to be a missional community. Does it even make sense for a young woman like myself to be in such a place? Maybe not, but being dirt poor and going into more debt doesn't make sense either.

Oh well. That's what I'm praying about, what's keeping me awake at night these days.