Shocking?

This is something that I wrote Sunday night, and I decided to publish it today.

How come your closest friends have the subtlest of ways of telling you what’s really up in your life? Tonight two someones, who I dearly love, said something about “shock factor Janalee”. They articulated something they saw in me that I’ve been dealing with and wondering about for awhile now but could not put into words.

Here’s the thing: I know exactly who I don’t want to be. It’s just hard to define exactly who it is I do want to be, so lately I’ve thrown my energies into being, in a few areas of life, what I perceive as the opposite of that which I’ve despised being and don’t want to become- a hypocritical, narrow-minded, legalistic, person who calls herself a Christian yet who looks very little like Christ. This manifest itself in both positive and negative ways. Positively, I'm less judgmental and more open-minded. Negatively, you get “shock factor Janalee”. I don’t think she is the final product by any means. After watching Saved! again tonight, I thought about kids I’ve known who have been what I once would have called “rebellious”. I wonder if they were rebellious against God or against a religion that is not true to itself. Upon recollection, I’d probably say it’s usually the later. I feel that’s where I’m at now, but when does shunning religion cross the line to dishonoring God? How do you redefine what it means to be a true follower of Christ in a world where most of what is known as Christianity is so fake? I know that this is exactly what so many of my dear friends, in real life and in books, are seeking to discover. In my life, this tension becomes more of a reality everyday. I pray that I’ll find a holy way to struggle with it.