Living the questions and trying to think theologically... and practically. Learning that these things are more synonymous than I once thought.

Location: Dallas, TX

Saturday, December 11, 2004


Why do I always like boys who seem to be just like me in all the wrong ways? It seems to be a curse. What I can’t seem to find is a boy who balances me out. Case in point, I just found out “boy as of late” is indeed a mom, exactly like me. In the way that we approach relationships and seek to nurture others, we are essentially the same. The deepest mutual desire of our hearts is to take care of other people. It is what keeps us going. This has been something I’ve suspected for a while, and when I think about it, it was the first thing that attracted me to him.

On further recollection, it seems that every boy I’ve ever really had a thing for shares this thing in common. They might not admit it, but they are all, to some degree, “moms.” The boy I liked freshman year of college, who I’m still friends with, does his best to cook and take care of all the guys that he lives with house. He decorates for Christmas, bakes, and calls his roommates obsessively just to let them know where he is. What a girl!

My dear “Sophomore year and following boy” would never admit to his motherly tendencies, but when you really know him, they are easy to count. He was the parental figure in his “service organization” or what the non-MC world would call a fraternity. He worked his ass off for those boys, and he did his best to make sure they all felt accepted and cared for. And even now, under the cynical exterior, there is a very sensitive soul. If he had the time and money, he’d be cooking more for people. He may not always think it or act like it, but he cares deeply about people.

The natural assumption may be that I have what many overweight girls seem to have- “attraction to gay men” syndrome. That’s not it. I know all these fellas well enough to know they’re perfectly heterosexual. So why do I like nurturers? Maybe it’s because deep down I really want to be taken care of, and mothers seem to do such a good job of that. Maybe it’s because I like myself more than I thought I did, or that I’m merely conceited and I want someone like myself in my life.

Mom-boys seem to like the strong, independent type of girl. That’s not how I would describe myself, and the fact that these fellas don't seem to be interested in me reinforces this. But on second thought, we all have more strength than we realize. The past two years have proven that I can survive with no man in my life whatsoever, but I’m not sure I like it. And I’m not the kind of girl who can’t do anything without her posse. I’ve never been that way. I don’t have to have a man or lots of friends, but I sure do feel lonely without them. Futhermore, young unmarried women from small town Mississippi typically don’t pack their bags and move away to moderate seminaries. To people at home, my life screams independence. To people in Waco, my life screams typical southern girl who likes the typical bread winning southern gentleman. What am I in reality?... beats the hell out of me.

A running theme through the lives of the four people mentioned in this post seems to be that we have a hard time really receiving love. We live to give it, and want so badly to get it in return, but we don’t always know how to take it. Maybe that’s what nurturers can learn from one another- the beauty of actually allowing someone to love you in the way that your loving obviously shows you yearn to be loved. The mystery of being loved spawns the glory of really loving.


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