EVER THE ROAD GOES ON

Best Summer Ever

2007-08-12T08:52:00.001-07:00

Oh my gosh, I forgot what blogger looks like. Ha! Honestly I just remembered my password.

So, my first summer of camp as a full time staff person is under my belt. It's been exhausting but completely rewarding. Things wrapped up on Friday with our last day of Urban Camp. This is when we take our 5-9 graders to Camp Bridgeport for a stressless week of fun away from the city. I've done lots of camps, but right now this feels like the best one ever. For one, our kids are so thrilled to be there, they really don't complain about anything. For many of them, it truly is the highlight of their year- the only time they can go fishing, the most time they can spend in the great outdoors, and the only time when many of them can have as much food as they want at every meal time. Spending a week with our kids and interns in a place like that made me realize just how important our ministry is. Here are a few pics. I'll share more as soon as the interns put them on facebook.

This is DK, aka Darrell King, one of my favorite personalities of the summer.

This giant slip n slide was a camp favorite.

Boys pool time!

A few of our amazing interns!

Our last worship service.

Check it out! Shane's back in Dallas!

2007-03-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

Breathing…Surviving…

2007-02-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

It's almost lent. My life is crazy, and what am I taking a break to blog about? Grey's, what else? Maybe because it's easier to talk in Grey's metaphors than in the realities of my own life. My two favorite Grey’s Anatomy episodes EVER came on again Friday. Both are captured on my DVR, and I fully intend on watching them as soon as I get a few hours to myself. Right now of course, we are in the middle of an equally traumatic 3-episode event. I love this show. Yes, it is too much like a soap opera, but I’ve been with these kids since the first day of their internships at Seattle Grace. You could say that I am a little attached. Izzie's dialogue on Thursday night may have been overly sentimental, but she is becoming my favorite character because her emotion is pretty raw and visible, kind of like mine. We breathe and we survive, even in the midst of death and desires that come to a dead end. We breathe and in doing so we survive. In the face of grief and dreams that slip through your fingers, it may seem overly simple, but it may also be the most important thing to remember.

Um, Hello...if anyone is still there.....

2007-01-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

I know. I stink, but my computer bit the dust, and how's a girl to blog? Anyways, I miss you all. The infrequent internet access makes me feel so disconnected from so many folks. So much has been going on, I don't even know where to begin. Well, maybe with the biggest and best bit of news.... I GOT A JOB! I'm working for a ministry in South Dallas. We do day camps and after school programs for kids in inner city neighborhoods, and we bring in college students to work with them. It's designed to help revitalize churches in declining neighborhoods by giving them a presence among youth, and help college students with leadership and discernment. Yes, I do think it is sooo right for me, and the people I'm working with are top-notch. I start on Monday and I can't wait. I'm glad I'll be in Texas a little longer. I'm in the process of trying to find a new place to live around here. If you hear of anything, or know anyone who is looking for a roommate, let me know.

Being home in Mississippi for the holidays was the same as always, nice to see family, nice change of pace, and then good to come back to the city. I've missed Waco lately. I hope I can come down at least for a Sunday really soon. I'm about to get a new cell number and a new address, so I'll send contact update info as soon as I have it.

Last night, I had some of my friends over for the first time we'd all seen each other after the holidays. Some one asked April how she was doing, to which she replied, " It's 2007. I'm great! How else would I be?" My sentiments exactly.

More pictures

2006-12-04T17:34:00.000-08:00

Josh and Kelly, two of my favorite people in the whole world. I got to throw parties for both of them this weekend. Doesn't get much better than that for me.

Chad Bertrand highjacked my camera as if it were a tile in my coffeetable. Once a clepto always a clepto.

So good to have this guy back from California! Don't you love that outfit? He may have had some help picking it all out. ; )

The Everwood gang and the friends who have more fun over phase 10 than probably anybody in the world. Missed ya O'Shag.

Nikki, the bride's little sister and the maid of honor. I may adopt her now that Kelly is married.

The birthday boy and his amazing tripple choclate cake. It was wintery goodness. Seriously. You should go to Kroger and get one just to look at.

A deep breath... and make a wish!

A Good December

2006-12-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's been forever since a post. Too much has happened this past month. I'm glad November is over. I survived turning 27 and more. While driving to Waco for Kelly's wedding and bachelorette party on Thursday, I had a thought. Are you ready? Okay, December will be the month to redeem 2006. It's been a stinky year, but now it's advent, and I am choosing to believe that hope and good things are coming. The wedding was absolutely lovely, and Kelly's bachelorette party and Josh's birthday party were good for my soul. December is off to a fantastic start indeed. I'm praying it keeps on coming. Here are some pictures for you to enjoy.

Kelly's awesome cake

Probably the last girls' night for the Waco gang. So sad. We definitely missed Katie McKown and Meredith Story.

The bride and me! I will miss you so much Bainer! Or do we have to call you Bainer-Conkin now?

A good smatherings of the kids who started Truett in Fall of '03

John Young, aka Tina the llama in Truett circles, and me. He says this picture may cause people to stumble. I'm pretty sure he's talking about himself.

2006-10-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

It's the first anniversary of Kyle's death. I want to be eloquent and reflective, but more than anything I'm exhausted. Maybe that's appropriate seeing as how the most exhaustive year of my life, and many others, began a year ago today. I worked from pracitally 11-9 and so the most downtime I've had was driving to Richardson for a company meeting and listening to Coldplay. I did get to process things a little yesterday though. I led a time of rembrance last night at Journey, and that was both good and difficult for me. Anyways, I'm tired. For some reason, I'm reliving the fatigue of grief today. Being tired with grief is a very certain tired. It's holistic. Not the way I wanted to spend today, but it is reality. I'm about to enjoy a hard cider and maybe watch Kyle's film before bed. To my ubc readers- I've wanted to be with you today more than you can understand. I love you, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

2006-10-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Wherever you will go - dedicated to janalee

Have you ever looked you name up on YouTube? This is my favorite video, dedicated to me. I'm still laughing. Who the heck is this kid?

Say it ain't so George!

2006-10-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

http://imdb.com/news/wenn/2006-10-20/

One of the reasons I like Grey's Anatomy so much is because of George O'Mally. I've always said that George is my McDreamy. Knowing that in real life he doesn't really like girls, makes me pretty sad. He's just such a believeable lovesick little puppy. I'm officially depressed.

And what about this rumor that Isaiah Washington called him a horrible slur and almost got into a fight with Dempsey about it? This makes me nervous and even more sad, especially after they did that nightline report on race in hollywood. It just seems like Washington would be more tolerant.

Last Sunday

2006-10-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my friend Christy randomly posted a blog about this beautiful little church she and her husband always pass on their way to A&M, and it just so happens that I got to preach at the very same St. Paul's in Marlin last weekend. It's the most picturesque place I've ever been to in Texas. I loved being there. The people were so sweet. Most were over 70 and they grew up in this church and heard sermons in German until the 50's. The whole experience was just too precious for words- the people, the liturgy, the weather, and the quaintness of it all. I've been in lots of little country churches, but I've never enjoyed worshipping in one as much as I did at St. Paul's. (Thanks to Craig for recommending me). If you ever want to experience something different on a Sunday morning, I highly recommend it. (It's about 30 minutes west of Waco on highway 6) Here are some more pics for you to enjoy.

I was told this was the "best kept cemetery in Texas". I believe it.

J-lee in the News and the News from J-lee

2006-10-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

My good friend Sam has quite a blog following, and every Friday, he's writing about a different woman he knows within the emergent conversation. This week is me and you can click the link to his blog on the left or also see it at https://fs-exchange.baylor.edu/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://mainstreambaptists.blogspot.com/2006/10/stepping-it-up-profile-2-janalee.html

Also, you should know that I'm looking for a church to serve in. Preferably here in Texas or in the Southeast. I wasn't ready for a long time, but being with my Truett community this week made me want to be on a church staff. I can't explain it, but it just did. My friend from home called me out of the blue on the day of the funeral. He wants me to apply for a position in a church that is just a few hours away from my family, but 15 hours away from all I love in TX. I couldn't tell him no. Then I thought that I might as well get my resume to as many people as I know if this doesn't work out. So it's being passed around. I'm praying and waiting, and I feel more at peace and less restless now. I think it's time for this step.

And Grace Will Lead Us Home

2006-10-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today was the most life giving day I've experienced in a long time. On a lot of levels, I guess it shouldn't have been. I was in the same place last October (or I guess it was the first day of November), for the same reason. As I took my seat, I thought, if you have to grieve, there are no better communities to do that with than the two I was blessed to be a part of in Waco, TX. If we had not grieved as well and as much as we have over the loss of our leaders, I'm not sure they would seem quite as meaningful.

Dr. Foster had a way of making her students, her children, feel so special. I felt that way today when we remembered her together. In fact, I can't quite remember the last time I felt so cherished just because I was a part of something. We were loved, prayed for, and always blessed by this remarkable woman simply because we sat in her classroom. I wish I could bottle that service and those feelings and send them to you all. I wish you could hear the power and faith of Dr. Ngan's voice as she read from Isaiah, Dr. Garland translation of the Greek as he read from Dr. Foster's first Greek Bible, the earnestness of Dr. Stroope's prayer, the usual eloquence and life in Dr. Gloer's words, and the laughter from jokes about margarita's, meat lockers, and not wearing pantyhose to glory. I wish you could see the way Dr. York was overcome with emotion as he watched our Truett family sing Amazing Grace. I wish you could feel the hope and glory that was in my heart when we sang "we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we first begun." Kelly and I both cried hard. Not only because we were sad and would miss this lady who taught us to believe in ourselves, but because it all had such meaning.

I want to believe these two funerals are like bookends to a hard year, for me and a lot of other people. But life is just hard. Ruth Ann knew that. She taught me about how Martha understood that Jesus was the Resurrection and the Life. When it looked like things couldn't get any worse, there was the resurrection and in that there is immeasurable hope. Today was a beautiful and needed reminder of that. Thanks be to God.

Dallas: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2006-10-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Central Market for Organic Milk, one of the only things I'll buy there, and there was a jazz band playing on the second level. I felt like a total snob for being there, and living in such a place, but I guess I should appreciate it on some level. There is a lot to do here, and I've met a few cool folks. I love Journey. I love the State Fair of Texas. I love being relatively close to Waco. I love the skyline, but I hate the traffic and not being able to see the stars.

I hate not having a job that can support me. Right now, I'm baking cookies (seriously, that's what I'm doing) for a living and it doesn't even begin to cover the rent. I don't like being a financial burden on my family. I been thinking about moving to Memphis to teachj. It's as close as I would ever be to home, and it seems like a financially wise decision, but I'm afraid I might be miserable there- a place deeper in the Bible belt, less appreciative of women with M.Div.'s, and less likely to know what it means to be a missional community. Does it even make sense for a young woman like myself to be in such a place? Maybe not, but being dirt poor and going into more debt doesn't make sense either.

Oh well. That's what I'm praying about, what's keeping me awake at night these days.

Dr. Ruth Ann Foster

2006-09-28T15:36:00.000-07:00

The Truett Community lost one of our most beloved professors today. Ruth Ann Foster was one of the most inspiring women I have ever known, a lover of life and Kentucky basketball. She is the second founding professor we have lost to cancer since I have been there. She inspired so many students over the years, and she was one of the greatest cheerleaders for women in ministry in the whole world. She helped me see Jesus in a new and better way. Dr. Foster was a gift of grace for the first year seminary student- a motherly presence in the strange land of Waco. Not even a year ago, we hugged and cried upon the death of my pastor Kyle, another life she impacted with her teaching and love. I will miss her jokes, her hugs, and the way she could always put men in their place.

Please pray for Dr. Foster's mother, and the Truett community. This is preview weekend, and there will be a huge hole without her.

Reflections from The Kiss

2006-09-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

Many people spend the greater part of their twenties in fear of never finding love. Sometimes we romanticize relationships with blatant naivete. No one is more guilty than me. Then there are moments that make you stop and think. What if the reality of love doesn't equal up to the grandeur of our imaginations? What if actually finding love is just as scary? What happens when you find the most amazing person but the grass of "freedom" starts to look greener? Or when temptation sneaks up on you at the most unexpected of moments? Or when you absolutely fail to love the other person the way they need to be loved? I don't know, but thinking about it scares the pee out of me.

Those are the things The Last Kiss made me think about, but it also made me appreciate the humility and the grace of the struggle to forgive and fight for what matters the most. I've waited so long for this movie with such great anticipation that I was afraid I'd be disappointed, but I wasn't. It actually exceeded my expectations. I hope the same is true for us all with love.

Peace Out

2006-09-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to the motherland for a week or so. Usually I'm not that excited about Mississippi, but I am this time. The trip will be a change of pace from sitting alone in my apartment looking for jobs on the net all day. Please pray that something works out soon. I'm getting really frustrated.

I guess that also means I'll have to wait to see The Last Kiss and Jesus Camp until I get back. Hit the cell if you wanna talk while I'm at home. Internet is fearfully scarce in the Magnolia State.

Photo News

2006-09-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

This week I saw....

again with my friend

who is a real film maker. He liked it a lot, so I know I was right about it being so good. Chris also told me he worked on

and he got to meet.... drum roll

who is the adult lead in the film. That's right. Apparently he is just as nice in person as he was in Stuckeyville. (Sorry if you hate me for telling this story Chris. There are just too many Ed fans who read my blog.) I think I screamed in the middle of the restaurant when he told me. I'm so jealous!

Up next....photo television confessions.

2006-09-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

So, my friend Vernon posted this interesting tag game on his blog. I appreciate it because I do indeed love books, and now I have time and lesiure to read whatever book I choose. I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on important books in their lives.

One Book

...... that changed my life: A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren. No suprise here whatsoever. This is probably the generic answer for most of my commrades, but I simply must say it. If I had never read that book, I would not have become such good friends with Lynnette Ogle Davidson, I would have attended Truett Seminary, and I would not have been a part of a community called UBC or another one called Journey. I don't think I would know or understand the joy of following Jesus in community. In short, I would be a completely different person, and I can't say that about any other book.

.... that you'd want on a desert island: I'm not sure I have a great answer for that one. Maybe my Lord of the Rings triology book. It's long enough, and I can't think of a more epic story.

.... that made you laugh: Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott. She is so funny, and I don't agree with her on all points of theology, but it's good for me to see things through her eyes every now and then.

.... that made you cry: A Ring of Endless Light by Madeline L'Engle. I read it in the sixth grade, and I don't think I've ever had such a powerful emotional reaction to a book. I remember it vividly. I read the last chapters of the book sitting by my pool, and I had what I remember feeling was this very real connection to Vicki Austin (the main character). At the end of the book, everything starts to fall apart, and I remember feeling exactly what I thought Vicki was feeling. L'Engle made me love reading at a young age, and I am indebted to her for that. I love that my favorite childhood author has so much to offer me as an adult.

.... that you wish had been written: mmm, anything else by Kyle Lake or Stan Grenz. I'm not sure how I could narrow that down to one book.

.... that you wish was never written: I'm going to have to go with Vernon and say Left Behind. Bad, bad theology that took Christian marketing to another level and made the end times the main thing in so many Christian circles that we forget to do important things like feed the poor.

.... that I wish I'd written: Again, I'm going to state the obvious and say Harry Potter. I wish I could write stories for children the way J.K. Rowling does. It would also be nice to have the cash.

..... that you are currently reading: Peace like a River by Leif Einger. A beautifully written and charming story thus far. I really don't want it to end.

.... that you want to read: I'll just give you my list: Dance of the Dissident Daughter, Body Piercing Saved my Life, The Power and the Glory, Gilead, and How not to Speak of God. (It's the new buzz book in the "emergent"crowd. I hear that it is great.)

Okay, I'm supposed to tag people, but I always feel weird doing that. So I'm not going to officially tag anyone, but I would especially love to hear about the important books for the following people: Josh Carney, Adam Horton, Lynnette and Sam Davidson, Craig Nash, and Luke Miller. I'm also really open to reading suggestions right now, but I don't want to read anything too depressing or heavy right now.

A Phone Call for the History Books

2006-09-01T12:58:00.002-07:00

Josh Brewer just called me from HIS CELL PHONE. I almost passed out.

Some flicks I'm looking forward to......

2006-08-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

So, this movie is coming to the Magnolia on September 15. I just discovered it on Crowder's xanga, and I've spent some time reading up on it this morning. In some ways, it's like the junior real-life version of the movie Saved! Here's a link to an interesting article with the filmmakers. http://www.lokifilms.com/site/JCpress/press_3.html Apparently at this camp, they bring in George W. Bush stand up figures to teach kids that Christians vote Republican and models of fetuses to introduce kids to the pro-life agenda. This is a must see, at least for me. It sounds like a nightmare, but I want to hold my opinions until the film debuts.

Also debuting on September 15........

Mr. Braff was on Letterman last night, and he was witty, charming, and adorable in that completely sexy and authentic way that no one else can do quite as well. I'm continually impressed by Zach Braff. If the down to earth people of our generation got together to elect a posterboy, he would win hands down. Guys think he is hilarious and brilliant, and girls just want to stay in bed and listen to music with him all day. At least, Lindsay and I do. I just don't get the whole Mandy Moore thing. You want him to be with someone who feels more like one of us, and she doesn't seem to fit the bill. Maybe he had the same feeling, and that's why they aren't together anymore. Who knows?

The soundtrack is amazing. Almost as good as Garden State, and one day I may even like it more. I haven't bought it yet because I've been taking Braff's musical advice for so long (or maybe that was really Josh Brewer's) that I have most of those songs on other cd's, but I'd definitely going to get it whenever I have cash for such things. If you want to preview it you can check out http://www.lastkissmovie.com/ or myspace, of course.

According to an August 14, post on Zach's myspace page, he's doing a promotional tour next week, and Dallas is one of the stops. I'm googling everyday to try to figure out where he'll be. I cannot think of a better way for a single, beautiful, and unemployed 26 year old female to spend her time rather than stalking the likes of Zach Braff. (other than trying to find gainful employment, obviously) And I don't mean stalk in a weird way. He's one of those celebrities that you really want to meet and have a personal memory with because his art and his stories speak to you on such a personal level.

Two weeks from Friday! I can hardly wait. Raise your hand if you are in for a double feature.

Venting

2006-08-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

As of August 11, I have two degrees from two really good schools. I made very good grades at each one. I go to interviews and people recognize this. They also compliment me on what a great personality I have. I leave feeling like they are absolutely in love with me, and a part of me knows that they are.

Three weeks out from graduation, and all I've gotten is rejection. I'm sorry. I'm not generally a negative person, but I need to scream and bitch for a bit. You can stop reading now if you feel like it. I completely understand, and I know you and and the other 95% of the world have much bigger problems on your hands.

Here's the thing. I've finally come to the point in my life that I really believe in myself. I still can't fully explain, but somehow it sort of magically happened over the course of the summer. Maybe it's because I've been on a few dates. Maybe it's because people at Journey continually pointed out the fact that I have pastoral gifts and they gave me the opportunity to really use them. Maybe it's because I'm living on my own and doing my best to fend for myself all the while realizing that I'm truly an adult now. Regardless, from where I presently sit, I feel as if I have a lot to offer the world. I've always had this wide-eyed optimism that I could spend my life loving people and talking about Jesus, and somehow or another, I'd be paid for it. Not an exorbitent amount. I definitely never expected to be rich. In fact, I've pretty much envisioned myself scraping by but being perfectly happy because I was doing what I loved to do.

That dream is still very real to me, but it's not as peachy these days. I want to love people and talk about Jesus more than ever, but I'm not sure I'll ever be paid for that. In fact, I've really begun to question whether or not we should be paying people for ministry. This is mainly thanks to Shane Claiborne who constantly reminds me that the New Testament church used its offering to help the poor rather than pay salaries. Paul was bi-vocational, and he wouldn't except compensation for his ministry. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting we suddenly send all of our pastors to the unemployment line, but it's just something I'm questioning in light of some of the things I'm learning. It's not as easy as I'm making it sound. I understand that, but the idea is some consulation to me in light of the fact there are no churches beating down my door and offering me a sweet benefits package.

The problem is, no one seems to want to offer me any kind of sustainable paycheck these days. I'm sending out resumes right and left, and the non-profits both said thanks but no. I'm not sure that I can live on what I'd make selling coffee or books. Sitting behind a desk all day staring at papers is about the most depressing thing I can possibly think of doing. I just to make a difference in the world and be able to pay my bills. Is that so hard?

Pray for me. Doesn't it usually take people months to find a job after they graduate?

Tomorrow, I promise to write something happier. Bitchin' really isn't me.

2006-08-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

I hope that Little Miss Sunshine comes to a theater near you. I laughed until I cried. I wish I could afford to go see it everyday. Wacoans, it is definitely worth the road trip to the Big D. (besides, I need to see you!) It's been one of the bright spots of the most boring two weeks ever. No job, no more dates, and I've come down with something. It stinks, but the movie is great.

Hello Again

2006-08-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I haven't been in a blogging mood lately. It's been ages since I've ranted about anything, and even a few weeks since I gave you an update. So here are some of the main events from the past few weeks. They sure do span the emotional gamut.

1. We finished up Plan B in women's group. Here's a picture of the celebratory cake. How fun is that? Up next....Peace like a River. We begin next week. Thanks to Craig for the suggestion.

2. I went back to UBC a few Sundays ago for the baptism that should have happened in October. It was emotional to say the least. Jen and Kyle's dad baptized Karen. Tears, community, sadness, beauty, and joy came full circle that day. I think it was very healing for us all.

3. On August 6, I preached at Journey. It was my last official week as intern and mentee. Several folks from Waco came up for it, and that was really sweet of them. It was great to have my two worlds collide. Journey gave me an incredible gift. I told them that my three years in Waco helped me to believe in church but my past three months in Dallas with them taught me to believe in myself. Maybe I'll blog more about that later, but don't hold your breath. Like I said my blogging energies are way down these days.

4. I FINISHED SCHOOL FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so weird not buying school supplies and gearing back up for a new year. It's a good feeling, but a little scary and unfamiliar.

5. This week, I have two second interviews with non-profits here in Dallas. I'm confident that something is about to work out. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Just Enough for the City

2006-07-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

I really want to write tonight, but I just don't have much to say. I guess I could tell you about some random things going on.

I applied for an event planning job with a non-profit here in Dallas this week. I really hope it works out.

My friend Misty took me to a great Latin restaurant last night, and they have the most amazing cakes you've ever had. If anyone wants to come to Dallas, I'll take you there, but it's really posh and romantic, so just be warned.

Last week, I went to a worship service where we started off with an African welcoming song, and then a jazz band played "Living for the City" by Stevie Wonder. It was one of the coolest things ever.

My friend Craig Nash has had not one but TWO articles published on Relevant in the past week. He is a rockstar of a writer. We have always known this and now the rest of the world gets to experience it.

I've had lots of visits from my Waco peeps over the last week. It was extremely fun. If you haven't been to Dallas to see me yet, shame on you! Get here as fast as you can because this place is fun and I am a fabulous hostess.

I got my haircut at an Aveda salon in Mockingbird Station right across from Urban Outfitters. It was my treat for the month. I love it, and my new stylist is incredibly hip! Her name is Sybel. How fabulous is that?

Good things are happening at Journey. My mentoring is over in about a week and a half. It's kind of sad, but I'm going to hang around. You guys and gals are too fun to leave! (And there nobody in Waco has found me a job or a man there yet, so it indeed looks like I am staying put.) We are starting a series on Radical Contentment and generosity. I'm preaching on generosity next week. It should be fun. Living more simply seems to be a big part of where I feel God leading now. I'm really interested to see what's going to happen.

That's all for now. Peace out. Let it flow.

Homecoming

2006-07-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

It was familiar, but eerily new and different. I took a big breath before I walked through the new shabby chic doors. When Brian Patterson opened one for me, I saw the bustle of community those walls have undoubtedly missed. We haven’t missed it that way because for us, this exile just drew us deeper and closer.

I hugged more people than I can count, and I heard laughter and lots of ‘I’m so glad you’re here’s’, but still I remembered the sounds and the embraces of the last time we were together in that space. I don’t always like to think about them, but they definitely exist in my memory. Honestly, there was something a bit frightening about it, but if I learned anything over the past few months, it’s that there’s no one better to face fear with than this group of people.

As for the service, it was as familiar and beautiful as the renovated the building, which is best described by my friend Adam Horton in the words fresh and nostalgic. The first song the band sang was “Everything Glorious”. A perfect choice. You have to love worship songs that make you ask a deep and probing theological questions. This one is textbook. It makes me examine the relationships and events of my life and ask “Where is the glory in this?” Sometimes, it’s so hard to see. Honestly, I have a hard time seeing it in the horrific moments of the last time we were there, all together. Yeah, I know the whole bit about being absent from the body means being present with the Lord. I see how it may have been glorious for Kyle but not for us. I don’t know what’s so glorious about the tragedy, loss, fear, and pain of what happened in that damned instant, BUT there is so much glory in the comfort, community, and grief of the following months that I can hardly bear it.

Yeah, I see the glory of God in grief. Not always, of course. On most days, it’s so terrible that I can’t find suitable words to adequately describe it, yet ultimately it says something powerful and even exquisite. To me, grief is one of the most profound ways we know there is true love in this world. I don’t want to see more of it any time soon, but it has revolutionized the way I give and receive love. Maybe it has for us all. That is glorious.

Waco for the Weekend

2006-07-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

I'm heading to Waco this weekend. I couldn't be more excited. I'll be there Thursday afternoon through Sunday. The soon to be Bain-Conkins are having the first wedding shower on Thursday, and of course I am sticking around to go to UBC on Sunday morning. In case you haven't heard, it will be our first time back to worship in the building since October. It is equally exciting and sad. So think about us if you can't be there.

Waco peeps- Call me on the cell. You know I wanna chill with y'all! Other than those two things, my calendar is completely free.

My anthem for the week

2006-07-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

I love it when you find a song that encapsulates all your heart wants to say to God. I was thinking about all my weaknesses, and that made me think about a Jennifer Knapp song from back in the day.

I am weak
I am poor
I am broken Lord but I am yours
Hold me now
Hold me now.....

In Town Vacay

2006-07-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

Why do I always feel the need to tell people on cyber space all the fun things that happen in my life? I'm not sure, but maybe it's more to help me remember. This week has been busy with fun, and you can relive it with me or stop reading right now. No matter, I just need to remember it for myself.

Let's start with last Sunday...

1 am- Josh returns from India. This was emotional. Many of you know that he's been there for 5 weeks and on the fourth day of his trip, I called him to tell him our good friend from college was killed in a car accident. We stayed up and talked until about 4, but I couldn't sleep.

5am- Still not asleep. Inspiration strikes and I get up to finish the sermon that I will deliver in 12 hrs.

6am- Lay down again. My eyes will not open, but at the same time sleep won't come.

10am- Get up, shower, go to Jason's Deli for lunch.

3pm- BETH CALLS TO SAY THAT SHE AND TOM ARE ENGAGED! I SCREAM WITH JOY, AND ALMOST CRY.

5pm- Preach for the first time at Journey. It went well. I really enjoyed it.

6pm- Eat supper with Journey folks at the flying fish. It was sooooo good. It reminded me of catfish from home. Loved it.

9pm- My first visit to The Old Monk, a favorite hang out of the Journey crew. Discovered the best freakin' beer in the world. It's Belgium and it's call De Konnick. (at least I think that's how you spell it.)

11pm- sleep like a baby. I think this is the longest I've ever gone without sleep in my entire life. 36 hrs, and not even a nap. It was crazy. Not sure what was going on with my body

Monday........

Not the most fun day, but I had a job interview at 3pm. I loved the company, but not the particular position, seeing as how it doesn't start until August, and I need something sooner, oh as in immediately.

5pm- Josh and I eat at Freebird's. Mmmmmm.

7:30 pm- That time of the Week. This is my women's group from Journey. I love those girls, and we always have a good time. That night we ate cheesecake and talked about the need, or the lack there of, to give birth. Odd, but stimulating.

Tuesday-

9am- Run out to buy B Collision and the new copy of Relevant with a very talked about article on the emerging church

9:30am- Meet with Danielle for mentoring. A highlight of each week.

12:00pm- Have lunch with Danielle, Laura Fregin (pastor of City Church) and Josh at Jason's Deli to discuss upcoming Urban Training Institute, which has an Emerging Church track. Should be interesting.

2:00pm- My first trip to the Magnolia. Josh and I see A Prairie Home Companion. I LOVED IT! Seriously, I think it's the best movie I've seen all year.

Wednesday-

Wednesday morning wasn't so much fun, because I realized I am broke. Josh witnessed an unfortunate emotional spectacle.

5pm- The Millers take us out to have Indian food with the Sharps. This was fun, but I was still in a pissy mood. The Sharps are some of the most interesting folks I've met in awhile. They are a young couple who has been traveling on a pilgrimage across America for the past nine months. They are musicians, graphic designers, and free spirits. Holly is expecting, so they are going to be in San Francisco in the fall. Josh is in San Francisco right now exploring the opportunity to do his mentoring in the community they are going to be a part of, so this was kind of a networking dinner.

7pm- Sharps perform concert for Journey. It was good. Ryan is an excellent storyteller, and many of the things he's been dealing with are some of the same conversations I've been a part of lately. My friend Soccer Stacey comes to the concert. She is my suitemate from college.

9pm- Josh, Stacey, and I head back to my house to reminisce about college.

Thursday

6 am- Take Josh to DFW to catch flight for San Fran.

11am- Have lunch with my new friend Courtney Perry. She rocks my face off, and she's on my lay committee. We go to an Indian buffet in a Hindu temple. It was really cool. I've never had Indian food in my life, and all of the sudden, I have it two meals in a row. Crazy.

5pm- My friends from Waco Sarah and Tori come get dressed at my apartment.

6pm- We have dinner in downtown Dallas.

7pm- We meet Scott and Candace Shaw at Music Hall and catch Les Misrables. It was my first time to see it. It was a really good show except that the girl playing Clausette could NOT hit her high notes. I felt sorry for her.

Friday

Spend the morning resting, cleaning, and searching for more job opportunities on the web.

5pm- Leave for Ft. Worth to meet up with my cousin Lorie.

7pm- We go to Fresco's which is a really good Mexican restaurant. Guac at your table and killer Margaritas, which were my first since I've lived in Dallas. Yum.

Saturday

Sleep in.

11am- Lay out by the pool of the couple Lorie is house sitting for.

2pm- Head to Sundance Square in downtown Ft. Worth and walk around for a bit. Such a neat place.

4pm- See The Devil Wears Prada. Really cute movie that I think most of you ladies would like.

7pm- Get some Sheridan's Custard. Holy cow, it's amazing

9pm- Catch the neighborhood fireworks display. I'm not sure if we were in Keller, Watagua, or Ft. Worth, because the neighborhood we were in is the point where they all meet. I can tell you though, that this was one of the best fireworks displays I've ever seen. I know the American Dream is crap and all, but for a minute, I really wanted to live in the suburbs with my husband and 2.5 children.

10pm- Back in the pool. I bet I haven't been swimming at night in 10 years. It was relaxing.

So this morning I'm back in Dallas, and there are no major plans for the week, but that could be good. I probably need a rest. This week was my vacation for the summer, and I'm glad I got to spend it having a good time with folks I love.

One thing

2006-06-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things I could tell you about today, but this seems to be consuming my thoughts...

... was released today. I'm not sure music has ever been more personal. I'm not a musician, and I've never popped in a cd and heard my own grief until today. I know it is their grief, but at the same time, in that deep sense of community, it is ours as well. It was like hearing, knowing, and feeling every note. Kyle talked about how their music always magnifies the voice of our church in the world. To me, grief and hope have been the biggest sentiments in our voice these past months. B Collision rings them loud and clear.

Nerd Alert!

2006-06-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

Luke just gave me a nerd alert for being at home on a Friday night and working on my sermon. Ok, maybe I am a bit of a nerd, but it's my first time to preach at Journey and the first time I've spoke in a church on a Sunday and people have actually allowed me to call it "preaching". I am excited and slightly nervous, but it's a good nervous. Pray for me Sunday at 5pm and before then if you get a chance.

Journey Road Trip to Waco

2006-06-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

So, my amazing mentor, Danielle Shroyer, is preaching at UBC this Sunday!!!! It is very exciting. I am glad my Waco community will get to meet her. I am coming along with some friends from Journey. So UBC pals, if you are free for lunch on Sunday, we should definitely hang out. I am so excited that my two worlds are going to collide.

DC*B Could Be MSN's Artist of the Month!!!!!

2006-06-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

How exciting!!!! Here's a blurb from the msn web site. I'm thinking this is closer to the credit they've been deserving for a long time.

David Crowder Band
In only a couple of years, David Crowder and his band have single-handedly redefined what contemporary Christian music should sound like. While Crowder is unafraid to make direct and straightforward pledges to his savior, he seems extremely restless creatively and tries his hand at any style that suits him. Even Crowder's fans in the Christian music community had to be blown away by the album "A Collision or (3+4=7)," a literate, pensive and complicated album about death. It won the Dove Award for Best Rock Album, and has even secular fans wondering what's up next.
Vote now for Artist of the Month

Today

2006-06-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a sad day for me to be alone in the city, away from so many people I love. Today is my sister's birthday, and I'm not there. I cannot tell you the last time I was there for one of her birthdays, but tonight my mother was fixing ozark pudding for her. This is a favorite dessert of my family, which is tricky to make and incredibly fattening, so my mom hasn't made it in years, and it's 35 for the sister. That seems like a big one.

Jennilyn and Kyle shared a birthday, so everyone back in Waco is on my mind today as well.

Josh is in Calcutta for the next few days spending time at Mother Teressa's house of the dying. How hard. I can barely imagine what it must be like for him to be there. I've always imagined it as one of the most compassionate and sad places on earth.

I tried to make the most of the day though. I drove to the supermarket in Josh's Xterra and listened to Cademon's "Mother India" and cried and prayed for a little while. I bought cupcakes for women's group tonight in honor of Jenni and Kyle. Jen Wilson, former UBC all-star and charter Journey girl, stuck around and we told Ubc stories. It was a good ending to a bittersweet day.

Rubble

2006-06-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

So I just finished reading Plan B by Anne LaMott. Wonderful. Part of my mentoring experience is leading a women only group on this book. We met for the first time last night, and next to getting to hang out with Danielle, it was probably the highlight of my time in Dallas thus far. I love hearing people's stories.

I am beginning to develop a sincere appreciation for LaMott. As Danielle said today I can't agree with everything she says, but I really appreciate her perspective. I didn't stay in bed crying when we went to war in Iraq, but I like her because she did. Yeah, she's probably more "liberal" (whatever the heck that means) than anyone sheltered me has ever met, but I like getting to love someone I strongly disagree with. I might dump Donald for her actually. What a scandal! Maybe I like her so much because she is an emotional window pane. She's love a whole lot, and she's deeply experienced loss. Anyways, I just wanted to share probably my favorite part of the book. It seems like it applies to my life right now as well as so many other people I care about.

"Rubble is the ground on which our deepest friendships are built. If you haven't already, you will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and you never completely get over the loss of a deeply loved person. But this is also good news. The person lives forever, in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through, and you learn to dance with the bandaged-up heart. You dance to the absurdities of life; you dance to the minuet of old friends. "
Thank God for friends, and liberal women with dreads.

Crushes

2006-06-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

Thursday, some girlfriends and I were having a conversation about crushes. I have two kinds of crushes. The first and much less serious ones are on boys who smell good, look good, and make me giggle. I never fall hard for these guys. They are usually too good looking to be trusted. By that I mean that there are about a million other girls who they could choose, most of whom are much prettier than me. Very similar to a celebrity crush. The second kind happens almost in a split second, and boy are they stubborn. These are the guys who are genuinely good and kind and you know it from the first time you meet them, and I average at least a year on a boy like that. Seriously. It's happened to me about four times. Once in high school, twice in college, and once more in seminary. Sometimes you just know some is amazing from your first encounter. I've never been hoodwinked. All those fellas have turned out to be even more phenomenial than I expected, although they never crush back. That's the part that sucks. I really don't know why I am writing about this, but I've just been thinking about it. No Dallas crushes yet, except maybe the boy who sold me furniture, but I'll never see him again. That was a type A crush though. Those really don't count.

Tales from the City

2006-05-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, I figured it was time for something a little lighter. Here are some random and funny things that have happened since I moved to the city.

Today I met a girl named Pepsi. Yes, just like the cola.
I've become a fan of King of the Hill. I've always resisted because of the cliches, but it's so funny. They just referenced Waco, and there are characters on the show that completely remind me of people I know. And just between you and me, sometimes it's good to hear the accents.
I am officially a temp. Isn't that crazy? I went for an interview in a really tall building today. Taller than any in Corinth or Waco. Sometimes I'm just in awe of this place.
IKEA is absolutely the most overwhelming, but you've got to hand it to those Sweds. They know how to keep their prices down.
I've been furniture shopping for the past several days, and I still haven't bought anything. I'm getting frustrated. My television is sitting on a rubbermaid tub, and my dvd's are all over the floor.

2006-05-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Last Monday night, some of my new friends asked me if I was missing Waco. I replied, "I love people there so much that I could get really sad, but I'm not going to let myself. I'm done with being sad for awhile."

Tonight, I'm back in Texas after going to two funerals in Mississippi over the weekend. A friend of mine from college was killed in a car accident last Tuesday. She was 27. On the way to her funeral, I learned that our favorite neighbor and cousin in Kossuth had passed away. He was 65.

It seems like somehow I should be able to piece all these losses together and give you some amazing life lesson learned, but I don't know that I can. It also feels like I should still be in the bed with a box of tissues, but I'm not. Sometimes I worry that I haven't cried or screamed enough. It reminds me of this scene from the YaYa Sisterhood when Sandra Bullock asks her dad, James Garner if he was loved enough. He replies, "What's enough?"

How much grief is enough? Does the degree or volume of tears, screams, and anger express how much you love someone? Of course I know the answer is no. We all deal with loss in our own ways- sometimes privately and sometimes publicly. But why do we feel like it's never enough? Maybe we try to make grief legalistic, or maybe it's just that when you truly love someone, you do your best to express it yet it never seems totally adequate. Eventually, you simply have faith that they know. It seems to me that both loving and grieving well take faith even though there may only be a hint at times. Faith in others to recognize and accept it and faith in your own ability to express it and faith in God without whom we would never know or feel it.

By the way...

2006-05-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am loving me some Journey. Those folks are rad. They may turn me into a city dweller by the end of the summer.

Reading Anne LaMott Makes You Want to Attempt Great Writing, So Here's My Attempt

2006-05-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

I've spent four nights in a row in the big city, all by myself. Other than the traffic on 75, it doesn't feel all that big. I unpack, cook for myself, and try to figure out how in the heck to work my dvr. Much of my time is spent on my little balcony. I like it there. There is a lovely tree right in front of it, and it's a nice shady spot. For extra ambiance, I hung decorative wind chimes and two hanging baskets of impatience which happen to grow very nicely in the shade. It is my own personal treehouse. It feels more like Mississippi than Texas in some ways. I put my white rocking chair out there. I drink sweet tea and read Anne LaMott. I think about how the past and the present meld into the comedy of that moment. Each reality shapes me into the person I am. For now at least, I like not fitting into people's definition of a belle or a feminist. Being a little of both makes for an entertaining dance.

The past few days have been sort of a working vacation. There's nothing I've had to get done, but at the same time there is plenty of work to do, plenty of movies to watch, and plenty of time to reflect. Living alone has been kind of fun thus far, but it's also been very similar to a long weekend. Still, I would like to think that all the good things and good people from the past three years have made me a better more secure person. Not that I'm totally free of insecurity. I mean, is anyone ever really completely secure in themselves? I feel as though I've made some pretty big strides, thanks of course to my community.

I loved that Kyle often used insecurity as his default example sin. When giving a hypothetical example about sin, most pastors would use fornication, drunkenness, or lying. You know, the really obvious stuff it's easy to nail people for. I remember Kyle talking about insecurity on several occasions. It's a problem for most of us, but you rarely get called to the carpet for it. In a place that puts so much value on being who you really are, I guess it's harder to hide things like that. I can't explain exactly how it happened, but I know I am a more secure person after my time at UBC. Maybe because I really did grow spiritually there without feeling such pressure to be something unattainable. Maybe it's because I was reminded that insecurity is a huge hindrance to living life to the fullest. Or maybe it's because when you start to value the people around you more and more, you get lost in this beautiful buzzword/reality of community, and you worry a lot less about petty personal problems. You don't feel as though you're standing naked on a stage with the world laughing at every physical flaw, slip of the tongue, or stupid story you tell. You begin to see yourself as a part of a cast- an eclectic, beautiful mix of people that oddly complement each other and together tell a breath-taking story.

Anne LaMott says that she's never gone very far from her church because it helps her to find her way home. I love that. It resonates, but I am not sure it can be quite as true for me. I think my friends in Waco will always help me to remember where and what home is, although I'm not sure I'll always be in close proximity. I am forever grateful for that. I hope that no matter where life takes me, I'll be a part of giving people that same sense of home.

Moving...

2006-05-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

It doesn't even really feel like it's happening. I realized I needed to move this weekend rather than next weekend as I had planned. This sucks, but if you can help me load my truck up on Friday between 4-6, you'd be my friend forever! How pitiful am I? Asking for help in the on the blog looks desperate, but I may be at that point.

A Night I'll Never Forget

2006-05-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

Global Night Commute Waco. Could it have rocked anymore than it did? Roughly 1,000 people were there to raise awareness about the horrible situation in Uganda. There were little kids, youth groups, rockstars, hordes of college students, and even senior adults in attendance. It was down right beautiful. I wish I could more eloquently explain it, but I can't.

I will say that while I really wanted to do what ever I could to help the children of Uganda and to support this amazing group of college students in their efforts, a little part of me begrudged the event because it took up so much of my last two weeks in Waco. But as I lay beside my friends from the greatest church in the world with the red lights of the letters A-L-I-C-O shining in my face, I thought about what we'd been through together. As I zipped up my sleeping bag, I thought about the kids in Uganda sleeping along side their friends and everything they suffer and endure together. It was as close to solidarity as I've ever come to those children even though I'll never completely understand their despair. Now I know I wouldn't trade that night for anything in the world.

My eyes flooded with tears as these students unscrolled this banner. This was our city phrase which along with all the phrases from other cities will make a powerful statement for the final cut of the film. Children of Uganda, we truly have cried with you.

I'll bring you more thoughts and pictures in the days to come.

Be there. Help end a war. Saturday April 29

2006-04-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Shout out P. Dodd and other news

2006-04-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

I told Patrick I would give him a shout out on the blog back in February, and I always forget even though he reminds me every time I see him. So here's your shout out, pal.

In recent Janalee news, I signed a lease at the Village on Friday. I can move in this weekend, but since I have to finish school and all, I'll move things slowly over the next few weekends. The official leave Waco live in Dallas day will be sometime between May 12-16. If anyone wants to go to Dallas between now and then, let me know. You can sleep on my newly carpeted floor.

My mom came for a visit this weekend. We spent some time in Dallas on Friday, goofed around in Waco on Saturday, and on Sunday we went to UBC and served Easter lunch for some of my pals. It was a good time. She bought me pots and pans, a vacuum cleaner, a microwave, and other necessities for the apartment. My mom is great. I was sad to see her go home.

School is quickly coming to a close, and I am very excited about that. I will have my last days in a classroom next week. That is CRAZY! I mean, I've been in school for 20 years. It will be weird not to go anymore. I can hardly imagine life after formal education.

There is no August graduation at Truett, so it looks like I'll be seeing a lot of Waco in December with Kelly's wedding and graduation in the same month. Seeing a lot of Waco is never a bad thing. :)

Things are actually kind of busy at work right now. I'm helping some Baylor students plan Waco's global night commute for the Invisible Children. Go to www.invisblechildren.com or www.myspace.com/icwaco for more details. It's gonna be a fun time, and hopefully it will bring some national attention to the situation in Uganda.

Later.

Truett gets a little postmodern... at least for a morning

2006-04-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

So today was experiential worship in chapel. It was one of those moments that will be a permanent memory snapshot for me for lots of reasons. First, it was really cool to see professors and students worship in a way that if very meaningful for me. We were a little worried that it might not go over well with some, but everyone seemed to enjoy it, even our Dean! Second, I got to speak. It wasn't so much of a sermon but rather a Craig Nash style reflection on the value and meanings of the body- our physical bodies, Christ's body that was broken for us, and the body of Christ. I think it went well. Seminary is a setting where I always feel a little intimadated by practially everyone else, but being in my element today helped me to understand that I can teach to people who are smarter than I would ever dream of being.

Trying to put a really meaningful experience into words can be a strange thing. Maybe I tell you more about it later, but for now I am as exhausted as I can remember being in a long time. We weren't finished setting up until one, and I was so nervous that I don't think I went to sleep before three. I leave you with a picture of one of the stations...

We asked everyone to reflect on what their local congregation means to them and to color or draw something that represents it. When we put the pieces together, we got a complete picture of the body of Christ. Pretty cool. Adam and Josh did a bang up job on that one.

And here's my talk. You won't get all of the Janaleeisms but just read it aloud in my accent, and maybe you'll come close. Sorry if some parts of it loose those of you outside the Truett Community.

Thoughts on the Body
Truett Seminary
April 4, 2006

I think it’s safe to say that during my three years here at Truett, body is the one word that I’ve learned about from many different people and in more contexts than any other. In T&T One, a friendly Minnesotan helped me to understand that although we live in a world where physical bodies are exploited, they are not evil in and of themselves although many a youth group “sex talk” might leave one to believe that. That was a bad idea on the part of the Greeks. Enter the witty, bearded Greek scholar. Wannabe prim Donna of Truett, triathlete, and friend of rockstars. Although it’s entirely possible, he’s a little over confident in his video gaming skills he taught me important words like Soma…body for those of you who haven’t experienced the joy of baby greek yet. And Sarx… flesh (Sarx in all its various forms sarx, sarkos, sarki, sarka, sarkes, sarkon, sarxi, sarkas)… In semester four of mega- combined covenant group, I learned alongside of my friends and Truett alums, the importance of slowing down our bodies- of breathing, rhythm, and being still. And finally, in semester six of covenant group, a mystical and sincere lady assigned me a ministry of service, and the five wise women around me discerned that it should be one for myself. So finally, I took this idea of the body being a gift from God a little more seriously and headed to the gym.

In another sense of the word… I’ve learned what it means to follow after Jesus in a local body of faith. That lesson came in a most surprising place for me… a horde of Baylor students and a handful of twenty and thirty-somethings in a church called UBC. Being a part of this body means being real about who you are. Hands can’t be feet. A kidney cannot be a heart, and we can’t function as we should in the body of Christ if we are not honest with ourselves and those around us about who we really are- our strengths, our weaknesses, our passions, and our fears. The fact is, I need you to be you, and you need me to be me. Because only in doing so do we learn from one another, grow together, and sharpen each other.

Back at Truett we’ve learned about building up the body. Not only from gentle former marines who teach about pastoring and leading congregations in worship. Not only from distinguished women and men who ignite a fire under us to proclaim the Word in truth, but also in colleagues who want to minister to navy sailors, from rebels with causes who want to plant churches in urban areas of Texas, from social crusaders who don’t care where they wind up as long as they can fight for justice and help the poor, from professorial wannabe’s who seek truth so earnestly that sometimes you must rip a book away just to say hello, from the global awareness and concern of future missionaries, from the compassion of those who want to listen and heal through counseling. You see Truett has painted a beautiful picture of Ephesians 4:11-12

11And He (V)gave (W)some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as (X)evangelists, and some as pastors and (Y)teachers,
12(Z)for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of (AA)the body of Christ;

Though we have shared a fruitful season together in this place, one day we’ll spread out across the globe, according to the gifts we’ve been given, equipping saints of all nationalities and walks of life for the building up the body of Christ. It brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye just to imagine the Kingdom of God potential which lies in this room.

But for now, we are here together, growing in love and maturing into Christ the head of the body. Today we have opportunity to worship as a body in rather unique way. As you look around the room, you will see four different stations of four different worship exercises centering on this idea of the body. Feel free to move from station to station at your leisure. And when you hear the guitar and singing that will be your cue to move back to the center for our closing time together.

Another Exciting Truett Chapel Coming Your Way...

2006-03-31T12:12:00.000-08:00

This Tuesday, we are going to do experiential worship in the Great Hall. For those of you who don't know what that means, it's a worship service where you go to different stations for different worship exercises, like communion, confession, and intercessory prayer, instead of listening to someone preach for 20 minutes. (Not that preaching is bad. I happen to like preaching very much.) Josh, Adam, and I met with Eric, this semester's student chapel leader, to plan out our different stations. I am excited about this. It will be interesting to see how our seminary community reacts to this. If you are free you should definitely come by and check it out.

Excitement, my long lost friend

2006-03-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

I got an exciting phone call yesterday. I am going to be mentoring at Journey, an amazing community in Dallas with an incredible pastor named Danielle Shroyer! I'm pumped. It's so good to be excited about something again. It makes me feel more like myself. I've always been the five year old kid who lived for cartoons on Saturday morning, except cartoons turned into summer camps, dates, lovefeasts, 80's proms, etc. I haven't felt that way about anything since October. Not even getting a new car. It's almost like Danielle's phone call woke me up from something.

It's a strange transitional moment. It's my last year of school ever, and personally, it's by far been the hardest. Another year of school to... well not, get back to my old self, but to adjust in a familiar environment would have been nice. Instead, it's learning to be whoever I am now in a totally new place in the real world. I've dreaded graduation and anything that would take me out of Waco and away from UBC. I knew that was not good. I wanted to feel the freedom and drive to carry this "Love God, Embrace Beauty" revolution wherever life takes me, but how do you leave people you love who are hurting when you still love them and hurt so much? I still don't know the answer to that, but I know I need to graduate. I know I cannot put dreams on hold. I know Journey is a community not isolated from this pain. They are fellow revolutionaries, kindred spirits of sorts. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I can't wait to learn and grow with them.

Blue is Still Beautiful

2006-03-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should be mad at them for talking smack about my baby, but instead I'm just laughing because I honestly think it's just pretty funny crap. http://baptistpress.com/bpnews.asp?ID=22885 And for added kicks check out my llama's response at http://www.xanga.com/freethinker777

Back to E-town

2006-03-17T22:11:00.000-08:00

Back in Waco after a long and uneventful week in the homeland. I finally watched Elizabethtown, which I bought for myself on Valentine's Day. I don't know why I put it off. Maybe it's because so many of my friends have harshly criticized it, and I didn't want to face the possibility that they might be right. Maybe the events of the past few months made me remember it through rose colored lens. Here's what I think after my second viewing: Yeah maybe Cameron Crowe wrote a movie around his favorite songs. For you artsy types, maybe it is a poor man's Garden State. It might take weeks instead of days to put together a map like that. And no, when your whole world crashes in on you, there are not beautiful people in red hats who automatically develop sincere and romantic feelings for you, BUT...

...I still cried like a baby during the entire road trip.

...grief is really like the montage of Drew and the ashes in the car, at least for me. It's funny memories, gratefulness, and longings to have the ones you've lost there with you. It's regretting all the things you never did together, and all the future things you'll never experience together.

...the best loves, the most true loves in our lives are the ones that teach us how to live. I hope there will be many more of those in my life, and I hope I can be such a person.

...I still connect with that movie on a pretty deep level. It relates a little more closely to my experience of losing a parent than Garden State does, but I think I love them the same and for different reasons. I get defensive when you criticize Elizabethtown because I feel like you are invalidating my feelings. (even though that's not anyone's intention)

...the soundtrack is one of the best you'll ever find.

...I really, really want a red hat like that. Maybe it will fool the fellas into thinking my all natural accent it cute, even sexy.

Just for the Record...

2006-03-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

I just scrolled few my last few posts, and boy do I look like a CCM subscriber. There's all the SCC business, a post named after a favorite Rich Mullins/Cademon's Call song, and a shout out to Andrew Peterson, who I love. Recently, my life has been inundated with Christian music. I feel uncool, and I am embarrassed by the insecurity that causes me to care what others think. That music was an important part of my past. Sometimes I still enjoy it, but I'm just afraid that you'll think I'm Hillary Faye (the main character from the movie, Saved).

So to set the record straight...
1. I listened to Kanye West, Bon Jovi, and Ryan Adams on my way to work this morning.
2. I'm planning on seeing a PG-13 movie this weekend.
3. I no longer own any witness wear, and I am slowly but surely getting rid of my d-now t-shirts.
4. I don't go to a church that does interpretive movement or hand motions to songs. (Except for the Hey! in Undignified)
5. I no longer aspire to be Skip the cool youth minister.
6. I now despise the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
7. Harry Potter is not from Satan. I perfer those books over the The Left Behind series.
8. Toby Mac is no longer my celebrity crush.
9. I stopped boycotting Disney in 1998.
10. I no longer carry tracts on my person at all times. I can't even remember the last time I saw one of those.

Baby it WAS Paradise!

2006-03-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

Paul Powell chapel is a most reverent place. It sees weddings, multiple preaching and pastor's conference (not to mention the cowboy church conference), chapel choirs, world renowned-organists, prayer services, and the occassional covenant group meeting when all the classrooms are being used. It was the first place I ever heard Kyle's last sermon read by my friends, and it was the first place where I heard Crowder sing "You Make Everything Glorious". You better believe it is indeed holy ground. But until yesterday, it had not seen the joyous celebration and fellowship that only comes by way of a nine-time grammy award winning artist who in his songs and his very being encapsulate everything good about growing up in a youth group. (That maybe pushing it, but just barely.)

In the words of an email from my dear friend Kathleen, "I mean, I don't even need to email and say this b/c it, like the 10 commandments, is written on our hearts. SC squared rocked it hard yesterday. And I believe he had a teensy bit of help from the first two rows on his left. What happened to us? I'd love to talk about it. I tried to articulate last night what happened in that one magic hour yesterday, but to no avail. If you can put it into words please help me out here."

Well Kate, I'm going to try my best. For weeks, we looked with an eager anticipation for March 7. We plotted and planned, made T-shirts, and broke out our greatest hits cd's. We shared our favorite SCC stories and songs. We hoped against all hope that he would sing his "Freebird". He did not disappoint. The room was abuzz with excitement. Everyone pushed towards the front, and no one save the dean and name sake himself ever covets those seats. Of course all of my best friends, except Josh who is way too cool, claimed the front two rows. We jumped to our feet like wide-eyed teenagers, who listened to nothing else but him who was before us.

He started out with a little "Live Out Loud", which is old enough to still be recognizable for us. Then our hope turned into rejoicing. In an instant, we were on our feet. "Started out this morning in the usual way..." It was over. We were screaming the words. I swear I almost cried when we rared back our arms together, punched our hands towards the sky, and shouted with all that was within us, "LET'S GO!"

Basically, we became a youth group in those moments, and it was B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. I'll never forget it. It's funny because while I still love teenagers, I don't really enjoy youth ministry anymore because of moments exactly like this one. However, this is a definite exception. Many of us never knew each other before August of 2003, but that one song coupled with so many other great expereiences, made me feel like we had been friends since Jr. High.

God bless you Steven Curtis Chapman. We may not have bought any of your cd's since Speechless, but your songs will always take us back and unite us.

Okay, now I'll be 26 again.

Hope to Carry On

2006-03-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday felt like Spring, and boy how I love the in between, non-extreme seasons of Spring and Fall. They draw me outdoors, and since my night class let out so early last night, I headed home, grabbed the ipod, and went out for a walk.

Yesterday was pretty rotten. I’ve kind of been in a funk lately, and yesterday I think it came to its head. It’s hard to describe a funk, but you sure know when you’re in one. I’ve been in one, for about three weeks. Last night during my walk, I think I realized why. The month of February came and went and brought no major crisis. There is still much grieving to be done, but for now it seems like the storms have passed. Yes this is cause for rejoicing, but at least once in every month since October, the bottom has continued to fall out a little more, and I’ve been living in crisis mode. Over these past few months, I think I found a lot of my purpose and use in crisis management. Now, I am kind of at a loss for what to do with myself.

Maybe the question that I can’t figure out is “How do you live in a new world, when you never thought yours would change, and when you miss the old one so much?” Maybe our best attempts at pastoral care and comforting are trying to find ways to help the grieving see that remnants of what we once found our solace and contentment in are still lingering around. Sometimes hope seems like a song whose lyrics you’ve forgotten. You know it exists and it is good, but your memory cannot do it justice. Then a friend comes along and helps you remember a line. Together you start to remember it more and more, and pretty soon you are singing and giggling.

I remember a preacher once saying he couldn’t imagine how life could get any better. I was struck by his obvious sincerity, but I couldn’t imagine that ever being the case in my life. Maybe things could be that good for really cool pastors with beautiful families, but not for a sad little seminary girl like me. After walking with him and his friends for about year, I was a believer. I learned exactly what he meant, and I could say with a sincerity of my own, “right on”.

I want to be able to say that again, and maybe one day we will, and maybe one day will come sooner than we think. Until then, I’m glad I have friends to help me remember the lines.

Heaven is Comin' to My Real World

2006-03-01T15:29:00.000-08:00

So Stephen will be at Baylor in only 5 days!!! (6 if you are going to wait to hear him at Truett chapel). We are so excited! Running into his daughter Emily today only made my anticipation greater. We're even gonna make t-shirts at the Truett Oscars Party on Sunday night. You should join in on the fun, but if you can't.................

Create the best slogan for my t-shirt, and win a fabulous prize!!!Post your ideas on the comment section.

Why I am disappointed with Sunday's Grey's Anatomy

2006-02-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

I’ve loved this show since the very beginning. Maybe it’s because it is about people my age learning how to be professionals. Kind of like seminary, but in a different setting and with sex. George is my dream boy. Seriously, and I can see myself and people I know in all of the characters. Even though I’m not a super sexy, super smart chic living and working in a hip place like Seattle, I can still relate to it.

The bomb episodes were the most intense hours of television of my life. I knew it would be hard to hold a candle to those episodes. I kind of wish the writers would have saved them for the season finale, but whatever. I’m still grateful for the great television.

I think I’m pretty self-centered when it comes to movies, television, and books. Sometimes, if I don’t identify with characters, I don’t like the story. Here’s a confession for you. Hold on to your hats. I didn’t like Garden State the first time I saw it. I’ve watched it about seven times now, and obviously it a very special movie- one of my favorites for sure, even before Kyle’s last sermon. My hang up with the first time was that Andrew didn’t feel anything when he lost a parent. Yes, I know he was on all those drugs, but losing my dad was the most horrible experience of my life. How could you not feel something? It just didn’t match what I felt, but in the end that wasn’t important. Eventually, I got to know Large, and I started to understand his story and see his point of view.

I felt the same way about Meredith on Sunday night. She didn’t cry or hug people more. I wanted her to at least have a nightmare or go to therapy. For that matter, why couldn’t she twitch? The West Wing did a great job of showing the post traumatic effects of Zoe’s kidnapping and the shooting of Josh Lyman. I wish Grey’s writers would have done the same. I thought what the writers did with other characters was fine. Meredith just didn’t seem very human to me, but she is the kind of person who buries things. I guess that is a very human response, but I can’t keep hurts in the way she does. I’m sure I’ll be in love with the show again next week. Maybe I’ll even be back at the party on Austin once I get my new car and when my homework slacks off.

A little sunshine...

2006-02-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

In Waco, we are all longing for some sunshine. I dont' think we've seen any since the early part of last week. I could be wrong about that because sunshine is one of those things that you don't particularly pay attention to, but you just miss it when it's not there. (It kind of reminds me of the time on Grey's Anatomy when Meredith couldn't remember the last time she kissed McDreamy.)

So this week, I've been trying to find my sunshine in other places. I went to Baylor chapel today to hear Andrew Peterson. He was my favorite Christian artist in college, and I really love his music. I had lunch with him and some friends today, and I promise you he's the nicest guy you will ever meet. Pure sunshine.

You can check out his music at www.andrew-peterson.com. When I heard him in concert for the first time, I seriously cried like a baby. It used to be so rare for me to come across an artist who was a complete stranger yet at the same time spoke words your heart longed to say but could never adequately express. Andrew is definitely one of those people for me. I've been a fan for about seven years now. I've left a lot of the music of my legalistic years behind me, but Andrew will always be hanging around in my cd collection right next to Rich Mullins. Other than Crowder, he's the only Christian artist whose cd's I eagerly anticipate. His music speaks too me and for me (kind of like a certain preacher's sermons that I was privileged to listen to almost every Sunday for two years).

I only cried once this time around, and it was when I heard a song from the latest cd, Far Country. The song is called "Lay Me Down". He said it is a happy song about death. If anybody else said that, I would want to slap them, but I trust Andrew. It is kind of happy. It makes me think about the joy there is in death, and recently I've been bogged down in all my own sorrow. Here are a few of the lyrics:

So when you lay me down to die

I’ll miss my boys, I’ll miss my girls

Lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world

You can lay me anywhere

But just remember this

When you lay me down to die

You lay me down to live

I’ll open up my eyes on the skies I’ve never known

In the place where I belong

And I’ll realize His love is just another word for Home

I believe in the holy shores of uncreated light

I believe there is power in the blood

And all of the death that ever was,

If you set it next to life I believe it would barely fill a cup

Thanks Andy. I hope we always have the opportunity to hear you share your heart through music.

Stirrin' up the Waters of Chapel?

2006-02-20T20:07:00.000-08:00

So I get to pray in Truett chapel in the morning. I guess the powers that be finally decided it was okay to let a girl with an accent grace the stage. Yippee!

And coming soon to the Paul Powell chapel....March 7th to be exact....

Steven

Curtis

Chapman!!!!!

Saddle up your horses kids! We're gonna Dance with a Dinosaur! Maybe even burn a few ships and find heaven in the real world!

Thank you for gracing me with a moment to revel in glory of the Christian pop culture from my younger years. That sure was fun.

Keep your fingers crossed. Maybe we'll ask Crowder next.

Wanh-Wannnhaa

2006-02-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

Just call me Debbie Downer. Seriously, looking back over the posts of the past few months, I feel like I've become her. You can even make the downer noise when you see me next time.

So Long Sweet Olds

2006-02-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

My car died this week. It's not a person, but I am sad. Sad because my Daddy bought me that car, sad because I'm not so sure what I'm going to do, sad because I have to ask people for rides, and mostly sad because I am an adult and I cannot afford to be one.

Tony...Awesome! Mentoring...Not so Great.

2006-02-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

Two things to tell you about:

1. Tony Campolo preached yesterday at the Christian Ethics conference at Truett. IT WAS OUT OF THIS WORLD! Seriously folks, I told him it was one of the best sermons I've ever heard. I think it just hit home for most of us seminary folks. I could try to give you a synopsis, but that would just ruin it. I'll just say that he talked about how we should be Kingdom of God minded ministers, and that means being counter-cultural from our capitalist democracy. That was the subject. I ordered it on CD, so if you are nice, I will let you borrow sometime.

2. So, I've pretty much put off the preparations for my summer mentoring as long as I can. I'm going to send out my first feeler e-mail today. I am afraid to death of being told no. I don't know why that word seems so awful, but it just does. I am also afraid that people will feel really bad if they say no to me. And if I tell them I'm a UBCer, will that just make them feel worse when they say no? I don't know. I have two places I want to check into for sure, but I need more ideas.

Here are my criteria. Let me know if you can think of any churches or people who meet this:

I would really like to work with a woman who has pastor in her title. (I checked into one possibility, and the website called her the college director and all the men serving in pastoral roles are pastors. Even her male associate was called associate college pastor. That just doesn't fly with me.)
If the church is more of the "emerging" persuasion, this is a good thing. I want a place where I feel free to be myself. I realize that these positions aren't all around, and the chances of me actually being paid to do full-time ministry in a place that I will really love and connect with seem so slim right now. I'm discouraged, but I don't want to be.
Some of my last conversations with Kyle were about this very topic. He said he thought it would be good for me to have a different cultural experience- I think he meant a place outside the Bible belt. I agree.

Yeah, I know it's a tall order. Ministry positions for women outside the world of children and youth ministry are not incredibly easy to find, nor are ones in churches like mine. Even more terrifying than mentoring is the idea of looking for jobs afterwards. I'll be more specific later, but for now, talking about it makes me so anxious.

2006-02-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

So, I'm back from Atlanta. I may tell you about it later, but for now I'm still on the edge from Grey's Anatomy on Sunday night. That was the most intense hour of television I have ever seen. That is one seriously fantastic show. You should become a fan if you are not one already.

Atlanta...Where da Playas Play

2006-02-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

We're driving southeast tonight, and I can hardly wait! In 24 hours, I will actually get to experience winter! Although a pseudo version is poking it's head out in Waco this morning, I'll encounter the real thing in Atlanta, Ga this week.

So, we are going to the Current Retreat. Current is the young leaders network for the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship (CBF). I'm excited to see old friends like Sam Davidson and Sparkle (aka Amanda Hambrick), and to meet new ones. I won't be back until Sunday evening, and I hope you will all miss me very much because I will definitely miss you.

More Guys who Remind Me Guys Don't Suck

2006-02-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

"Roy" Drew Dabbs- You are my oldest friend in Waco. You make me proud to be from Mississippi. You and your righteous mac and cheese are too precious. I know we will always stay in touch.

Adam- You Hortons just make me smile. Everyone likes y'all, and it's easy to see why. It's so great to have someone like-minded in my classes. I'm glad to be in two circles of friends with you.

Ben- I've said it a million times. You Dudleys are my favorite people in Waco. Sometimes, I wish Matt Bates was older and more my type so I could marry into your family, and we could spend all holidays together. Seriously though, if trials prove your character, you are hands down one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I could not be more proud of you.

Blair- I shed a tear the first time I saw this picture. Sometimes in seminary, we talk about "lay people". We would probably never use such a word at UBC, but when I hear it, I think to myself "Blair Browning is about the best one I know." You are a gem, and I am so glad that you and your family are a part of my church family.

Craig- (In case you don't know, he's the hottie in the middle. Wink. We need more pics of you.) Ever since the first time I saw you pick up a Lake child, I knew you could teach the world a thing or two about love. Your heart is pure gold. As much as you love UBC, I think we love you just as much.

Tom- (we need more pictures of you too.) Could you be any nicer if you tried? I think not. These past few months have sucked, but one of the bright spots has been getting to know you and Beth. I really mean that.

Sam- I appreciate your friendship. I really do. I have loved watching you and Lynnette fall in love and grow and change together. And who would have thought I would have even spoken to you after that summer? You must send me an advanced copy of your book. Looking forward to chillin' with you in Hotlanta.

Chris- My closet blog reader. You gotta love a guy who will only post pictures of himself and celebs on his facebook profile. The Nature Boy sure does have a great tan! Anyways, I enjoy seeing your face around Waco and reminiscing about the sweet home Mississippi. You are a classy dude. You ought to come around more often.

Myles- So, I know were not best friends or anything, but I know you drop by from time to time. You definitely don't make me think guys suck. I'm actually quite fond of you, and I really love this picture. I hope you forgive me for yelling at you at Coco's when you couldn't remember my name. I want to kick myself when I think about that. I was just hurt that someone as cool as you didn't know who I was, but that is in our past. I hope we bump into each other soon!

The more and more I think of you fellas, the more I know that guys don't really suck. People just do sucky things, and females, especially me, aren't exempt from that. Sometimes life happens and death is a part of that. That's not your fault. Sometimes it takes longer than you hoped to meet someone who is right for you. Nobody's fault. From here on out, I hope to remember this list whenever I want to hate on men. Because when you get down to it, I don't hate anything about any of you. When I think about y'all, I know I am not abandoned, but I am loved.

Let me know if I left anyone out. I'm feeling awfully generous with the gush today.

Let's Hear it for the Boys

2006-01-31T20:11:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was little, I have loved boys. As a four year old, my first crush was on my sister’s friend, Douglas Coleman. He was the cute nerdy guy. He actually reminds me of George O’Mally on Grey’s Anatomy. He was also an older man, but when he was 13 and I was only four, we went to the Justice of the Peace booth at the Kossuth High School Fall Festival, and we got married. I even had a blue plastic ring. My sister signed our wedding license.** A few years back, Douglas married a pretty blonde named Katie. I guess that makes him a bigamist. Go figure.

I’ve always thought that men were more fun and less drama than girls. It’s always been easier for me to spill my guts to a guy. It seems like they don’t judge you as much, and they know how to keep secrets better than we ladies do, or maybe they just forget what you tell them in the first place. Either way, men are mostly laid back and easy going. I appreciated that.

The problem is that men don’t seem to stay in the picture for me. It’s true that I’ve been Miss Single Mingle for the entirety of my adult life, but that’s only part of it. Over the past few years, many of the prominent men in my life have somehow disappeared. My dad passed away in 2002, and I was devastated. I didn’t know who was going to hold me, give me money, take care of my car, help me move, or call me baby. It was hard. It’s still hard, but I’ve learned to cope. He raised me to be strong and independent, and I’m thinking he didn’t do such a bad job.

The semester after he passed away, I read The Story We Find Ourselves In. I love so many things about that book, but my favorite part is when Neo is telling Carrie about creation, and he talks about how God created the opposite sex to help us rediscover a lost part of ourselves. Basically, he says we need each other. I remember feeling the truth of that statement, and a relief swept over me. I was okay. You see, somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that it was some type of sin to need anybody other than Jesus. I tried to convince myself that if men were going to abandon me, I could abandon them. They didn’t need me, and I sure as heck didn’t need them. Although I learned I could do many things for myself, I couldn’t shake the longing for a person with testosterone, no matter what kind of crap I tried to sell myself. Brian put things in perspective for me once again. This time he wasn’t so much teaching me about how to be Christian, but how to be human. Sometimes, that is the more important lesson.

Things in the guy arena have not been perfect since then. There are definitely times I get lonely, depressed, and bitter concerning men. Last night I was reminded that even though there’s nobody for me to make out with right now (which sucks in its own right), I still really need men. They remind me how human I am. They are opposite, and in being so they help me to know myself. They remind me I am a girl, and even though I’m “egalitarian” these days, I still think that’s a good thing.

My thorn in the flesh is my tendency to equate my self worth with the amount of attention I receive from men. I think that’s at the root of my bitterness. I’m tired of it, and I want to share with you my personal remedy project. I’m making a list of all the guys who are in my life, and what they mean to me. It’s hard being a gushy person, and not feeling you have the freedom to gush over people. It would be weird if I wrote you a note to tell you how I feel. You might think I’m a stalker or a home-wrecker since some of the guys on this list are married. I assure you I am neither. I’m just trying to live fully and appreciate the people in my life. There really are great guys in my life who care about me, and I'm grateful. It's good to tell people what they mean to you. Good for you and for them. So, I figure if I appreciate you publicly and all at once, it wouldn’t be so weird. For time purposes, I’m going to limit tonight’s list to those who I know read my blog from time to time. So here you go:

Josh- Our friendship has been a rollercoaster, but in the end, there's no doubt I'm a better person for it. You are my brother, for better or for worse. You know me better than anyone and you still put up with me. All the meals I cook for you could never adequately say thank you for that. Don't get excited. I'm still waiting for my gourmet feast.

Vernon- You truly are George Castanza, and we wouldn't have it any other way. I can't wait to read your novel. We really love you whether you know it or not.

Jeff- I would not like my job half as much as I do if it weren't for you. Everyday, I see your compassion and gentleness, and I think about what a fantastic person you are and I know that you are going to be a great minister, husband, and father one day.

Tina a.k.a John Young- You are hands down my favorite llama. You are crazy, and I absolutely love you for it. You challenge me to be real. You teach me how to be a good friend. I love your heart and perspective on ministry and following after Christ.

And while we're at it....

Jonathan Potter- You are the coolest boy I know that actually talks to me. I love hanging out with you, but of course, most of the ladies do. You are straight up chill, and I think you have a calming effect on people. John needs a friend like you, and so do I.

More fellas tomorrow. These guys are just the beginning. Stupid blogger won't let me put any more pictures in this post, and Starbucks is about to close.

Facing the Demons of My Past in My Semester of Practicality

2006-01-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

So this semester started off about as crappy as the last one ended, but the good thing is that all of my most difficult classes are behind me, aside from Scriptures 4 with the distinguished Dr. Todd Still. This semester I have the pastoral/ministry/leadership classes. The weighty theological classes and scholarly biblical classes have always been more difficult for me, but let me in a class about rethinking the way we do church, ministering to the needs of people, or leading congregations and I light up. This semester is different though. There are a few things I have really been dreading about it, like for example...

1. Visiting the funeral home (which I skipped out on today with the complete blessing of my prof. I think it's the best thing in the world that ministers in training do this, but let's be honest. I've spent more than enough time in those places lately. It is a sadly familiar routine. I thought I'd be better served by sleeping a little later and working out this morning.)

2. Hospital Chaplaincy-Here I've chosen the difficult route. I'm visiting patients on the renal/geriatric floor which is the last place I saw both my daddy and my maw maw. I made my first rounds on Tuesday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually liked it.

(So two down and I'm making it , but the one to go is what I'm most nervous about)

3. Learning how to baptize people in the pool at the SLC. Maybe I should have saved the skip for that day. I know I really need to do it. It would probably make the first true ministry experience with baptism a little less scary. The truth is that baptisms will never be the same for any of us. They may actually be painful for a really long time (like maybe forever for some of us), but I don't feel like I should run away from them because of my fear. So pray for me on Feb. 9. WAIT, I'm out of town that day. Darn...Good... Hell, I don't know what it is.

All that worry for nothing, but maybe Dr. Price will take me and the other UBC kids in that class another time. I still don't wanna run. I know baptism is a beautiful thing in the life of a church and of a follower of Christ. The fact that it will stir up so many other things in us from now on is tragic on about a million of different levels. I don't know what else to say but dear God please heal us.

2006-01-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

So, I've been tagged again. This time by Jordan. I secretly like these things, so I will play along again.

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD:
1. Lifeguard at the Corinth YMCA
2. Housekeeper and Lifeguard at the Gulfshore Baptist Assembly (may it rest in peace)
3. Master Teacher at M-Fuge Merge (or as Kate McKown likes to say "the morning preacher")
4. Youth/Children's Minister at Burch Hill Baptist Church

FOUR MOVIES I'D WATCH ON REPEAT
1. You've Got Mail
2. Steele Magnolias
3. High Fidelity
4. LOTR: Return of the King

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE
1. The West Wing (It going off the air in May. My heart just broke a little more.)
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Miami Ink

FOUR VACATION LOCALES I'D LIKE TO HIT:
1. Rome, Italy
2. Sun Valley, UT (only during Sundance)
3. Atlantis Resort
4. DisneyWorld (never been)

FOUR WEBSITES I VISIT DAILY
1. www.relevantmagazine.com
2. www.ubcwaco.org
3. www.facebook.com
4. www.blogspot.com

FOUR FOODS I LUST AFTER:
1. Ninfa's Spinach Encalidas with chicken
2. My Aunt Barbara's Bologna Gravy
3. 12oz. Outback Special
4. The whole menu at P.F. Chang's

FOUR CHANGES I'D MAKE TO THE HOUSE:
1. Bigger Kitchen
2. More space to entertain
3. A front porch with a swing
4. It would be a house and not an apartment!!!

FOUR BEERS I LIKE:
Hey, I think my mom reads this.

FOUR TAGS:
1. Ashley
2. Meg
3. Wade
4. Jason

Legacy

2006-01-21T11:18:00.000-08:00

So I've been back in Waco for a week now. I'm okay, but still pretty sad. Someone asked me yesterday what it's like losing people who are so close to you and how you process and deal with it. I gave what she called the textbook answers. I write about it. I pray alot, cry myself to sleep alot, cry to people who love me, and I try to be as honest with God as I can be about the way I feel. That's what I do. I told her, "what you have to learn to do is to live life without the way that person loved you." To me, that's the hardest part. Losing my Maw Maw has been more like losing a parent than a grandparent. Since she lived about 50 yards from our door, I spent almost as much time with her at her house as I did with my parents at our home. For some reason, I look like my mother, although at the funeral people kept telling me I looked like my father, and I love people like my Maw Maw and her son, my Daddy, loved me. My therapist says (and I won't become one of those people who always says "my therapist says", but this is so good I have to give her credit) that it is a tremendous legacy of love. Maybe so, but it hurts so bad right now because I feel like I'm the last link in that chain. I know plenty of people love me a whole whole lot, but it's just such a heartbreaking thing when the people who taught you how to love, the people who love you exactly the way you love other people and really long to be loved pass on. Too many tears. Enough of that for now.

I'll leave you with this. In Mississippi, people don't let me officially preach, although everybody pretty well knows that's what I've been doing since I was 15. They do however allow me to give eulogies. I did my cousin's at 16, my father's when I was 22, and last week at 26, I wrote and delivered the euology for my Maw. It's pretty simple. I wrote it with all of the young great grandkids in mind including my seven year old nieces, Allison and Ashley. So here it is. If you don't feel like reading it all and I would never blame you for that, I think the last part is the best.

One of the last memories of my Maw Maw is a visit we had in the hospital on Christmas Day. I brought her a movie to watch. One that you great grandkids really like called “Because of Winn Dixie”. In that movie, a little girl remembers those that she lost by making a list of 10 things about them, one for each year she’d been alive. Well, I’m 26, and I could tell you 26 million things about my Maw Maw Ottis, but I think 10 is a good number for today.

Ten things about my Maw-Maw:
1.She was a social butterfly. Always loved a crowd and was a little bit obsessive about numbers. She loved to count the number of people at her birthday parties and funerals of family members and the programs she planned for the senior citizens groups she was involved in. She showed her love for people by playing hostess, and I think when you came to visit her or to an event, that really made her feel loved

2.She could make the best homemade biscuits you ever had in your life. Breakfast at her house was a true event.

3.She loved history and genealogy. And if she would have had the resources, I’m sure she would have gone half way around the world to track down the identity of one of our Tolar ancestors.

4.She was a softie when it came to us grandkids. I myself as the baby will no doubt spend the rest of my adult life trying to get over her endless spoiling.

5. She loved to read a Psalm everyday. God’s word was a part of her life.

6.She gave of what she had although she never really had a whole lot. She was never stingy in sharing her money, her home, her time, or her cooking. Maw Maw indeed was a true giver and almost all of us here today were blessed by her warmth and hospitality.

7.She loved her singings. Maw Maw got a lot of joy out of the old time hymn singing, and even more than the songs themselves, I think she loved the company of friends who were always singing the same songs.

8. Maw Maw loved a good story. She liked to read them, and hear them, and tell them. I know that she was really proud that all of you great grandkids love stories as much as she did.
9.Maw Maw was a lady full of compassion. She was kind to animals and people alike. She told me once that her mother always told her to throw out anything that would help a living creature because they all belonged to God, and of course as a result of this we attracted a ridiculous amount of stray dogs and cats. And as for her compassion towards people, she was a jewel of a friend to have. If you cried, she cried with you. If you laughed, she would laugh with you, and if you were made, she would get mad for you. She was wonderfully understanding.
10.(And this is probably the most important thing I learned from her) Maw Maw’s life wasn’t necessarily an easy one. She lost her mother at a very young age. As young woman, she lost a baby. In the last fifteen years of her life she lost a sister, a husband, her eldest granddaughter, her youngest son, a beloved son-in-law, and many dear friends. Still even up until the very last days, she had a real joy. As sad as things were for her, she always found things in life to love, namely her friends, her family, and her God. She was a lady who had a sincere faith in a God that always carried her through. And while there were many sorrows, she was always quick to remember all of God’s many blessings.

Today for myself, for my family, and for all of us who love my Maw Maw, Ottis, it is my prayer that we would have this same kind of faith- that though we live in a world where really sad things happen, our God is love. He does not forsake us, but instead he heals us and blesses us and holds us always.

2006-01-08T17:09:00.000-08:00

My sweet Maw Maw is resting in the arms of her savior tonight. We learned she had cancer this week, and our family is thankful that she did not suffer.

As of now, I think I'm going to be alright, but can I just tell you that all this is starting to get really old. Seriously.

A Holy Click and a New Year

2006-01-01T21:57:00.000-08:00

New Year’s has been almost as great as Christmas was hectic. It just reminds me that life can be good and crazy at the same time. I got to spend the last moments of ’05 and the first moment of ’06 with friends at Candace and Scott’s wedding and with more friends at Tom and Craig’s place. It was great to be with all of you. Seriously. You have made me love being in Waco, TX, and there was a time not long ago when I thought that was impossible.

Ubc met at Truett today. I can’t wait for you all to hear the new song. (Maybe he’ll sing it at passion. If you are reading this from Nashville, you should skip whatever you are doing on the off chance you might get to hear it.) I knew there would be songs to come out of the experience of the last few months. I’ve been anxious to hear them, and this song makes me all the more anxious to hear the next. I cannot explain how incredible it is. The chorus says something like, “You make everything glorious (3x), and I am yours so what does that make me?”

I’m glad I first heard those words at Truett. It made me think of something I first heard upstairs two years ago. I can’t keep up with all they try to teach us in seminary. Sometimes it seems like the deep mysteries and complexities of the Trinity are flying at you faster than you could possibly process them. Thankfully, some things stick in your mind even though you don’t grasp them at the time. While I was listening to this song, I remembered a quote from a church father. After about a nanosecond on google, I rediscovered that it was Irenaeus. He said, “the glory of God is man fully alive.” Needless to say, it was one of those “holy click” kind of moments. You know the ones. They happen when you finally grasp a truth you’ve heard or maybe even preached for so long. Sometimes they happen for no real explainable reason, and sometimes events and relationships point you to truth with marquee lights. I guess that life is often our most thorough teacher.

So thanks Irenaeus for sharing your holy click with us.
Thanks Dr. Roger Olson for making us read original texts in Text and Tradition I.
Thanks Dave for your song.
Thanks Craig for you prayer.
Thanks Kyle for your life and your words.
Thanks UBC for letting me live life with all of you.
And thank you God for all you are and what you have created us to be.

My new year’s resolution- be fully alive. People sometimes use “glorify God” or the “glory of God” like so many other Christian clichés. I’ve never understood the idea of God’s glory and my involvement with that like I understood it today. That doesn't seem to be so much of a cliche for us. Maybe it’s because we give a little more definition to the idea of glorifying God when we say, “As we approach this week, may love God, embrace beauty, and live life to the fullest." Maybe it's because I see people trying to live that out with all that they have, and in the process, I know I am loved.

2005-12-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

I know. I've been away for awhile. There were so many things I wanted to write about, and I just knew that being at home in sleepy Mississippi would allow me the time to do so.

Well, not so much.

The past nine days have been incredibly hectic. Both my uncle and my Maw Maw spent Christmas in the hospital. I am pretty sure he's going to be alright, but we are pretty sure she has cancer. I think I told her goodbye for the last time tonight. I should be thankful for the opportunity to do that. We didn't have it with my Dad nor with Kyle or even my Granddaddy. That sucked in so many ways, but saying goodbye tonight was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, probably the hardest. She loves me more than anyone, and it is going to be really hard to loose her. Coming back to Waco is going to suck, and I didn't think anything could make me say that right now.

I could have made time to tell you earlier, but I'm so tired of giving you bad news. Part of me didn't want to say anything, but I am no rock. This I have learned. Thank God that I do have a Rock to stand on and some incredible people to hold my hands when things get crazy.

Please pray for Maw Maw Ottis (pronounced Aahh-tis as opposed to Oh-tis) and all of us Shadburns. (In case you were wondering, it was my grandfather on the other side who passed away at Thanksgiving). Thanks so much to all of you who have been there for me during the past few months. It means more than I can say.

Love,

Janalee

An Answered Prayer

2005-12-15T17:16:00.000-08:00

The past week has bee a crazy blur of papers and hebrew vocabulary. I've told you the details but that's about it. Although some things have been entirely too crazy, there's also been so much beauty in little moments and songs, and it happens more often and faster than I can write about it. But writing about it is exaclty what I need to do because I too do not want to forget.

Hearing David Wilcox live was an experience I will not soon forget. He is a poet, and I am learning to appreciate those with the poetic gift more and more. I've known this for awhile. I've been listening to him off and on since college via Josh. He says that Wilcox is better with metaphor than anyone around. It's probably true.

I can't tell you about every song he sang and how each one spoke to me, but I can tell you that they did. It felt like church in a lounge with adult beverages, and I loved it. Yes, I know three years ago, I would have never dreamed of saying such a thing. No, Truett and my "emerging church" have not corrupted me. If anything, my experience these past three years has helped me to love life more than ever before. It has helped me look for holy moments beyond the four walls of a church, and I have found plenty of them. My favorite song of the evening was about this very idea.

Peter Mayer actually wrote the song "Holy Now", and thank God Wilcox borrowed it from him. (I guess I'll have to share some of David's lyrics another time.) Anyways, Mayer was in catholic seminary studying for the priesthood. His life took a change of course, and he became a singer song writer. The song lets me know he would have made an amazing priest, but I am glad he's making music instead. This song struck a cord deep within me. After it was over, I turned to Josh and said, "this is so us." (us meaning UBC) . Tell me what you think.

Holy Now

When I was a boy, each week
On Sunday, we would go to church
And pay attention to the priest
As he would read the Holy Word.
And consecrate the holy bread
And everyone would kneel and bow
Today the only difference is
Everything is holy now.

Everything, everything,
Everything is holy now . . .

When I was in Sunday school
We would learn about the time
Moses split the sea in two
Jesus made the water wine
And I remember feeling sad that miracles don't happen still
But now I can't keep track
'Cause everything's a miracle

Everything, everything
Everything's a miracle . . .

Wine into water is not so small,
but an even better magic trick
is that anything is here at all.
So, the challenging thing becomes not to look for miracles,
but finding where there isn't one.

When holy water was rare at best
I barely wet my finger tips.
Now I have to hold my breath
like I'm swimming in a sea of it.

It used to be a world half there
heaven's second rate hand me downs
but I'm walking with a reverent air
cause everything's holy now.

Read a questioning child's face,to say it's not a testament,
now that'd be very hard to say.
To see another new morning come,
to say it's not a sacrament,
I tell you that it can't be done.

This morning outside I stood
And saw a little red-winged bird
Shining like a burning bush
Singing like a scripture verse
It made me want to bow my head
and I remember when church let out
how things have changed since then,
everything is holy now.

It used to be a world half there,
heaven's second rate hand me downs.
I'm walking with a reverent air
cause everything's holy now.

I sat in the dark with David's guitar glaring in my eyes, and I cried silently. Every week, Kyle prayed for us. He prayed that we would embrace beauty. Listening to that song, I realized that God answered his prayer in my life because now I see beauty everywhere. I'm not sure I ever cared to look for it very much before, but now it overwhelms me, and I love God all the more for it. I always liked that prayer and now it means more than ever.

2005-12-15T08:36:00.000-08:00

My semester is over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never been so glad to see something go.

Victory is MINE!

2005-12-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

At 12:10 pm this very day, I officially completed all of my language requirements. NO MORE DEAD LANGUAGES FOR ME! With everything else going on, I didn't even think about that unitl right before Dr. Tucker passed out dreaded Hebrew exam. I pretty much went out on a dud with that one. I don't think I've actually sat down and translated Hebrew since the last week of October, but it's OVER. Hooray for something being over!

More elation coming on Thursday when my semester from hell is officially over.

Today

2005-12-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

I cannot bring myself to study Hebrew tonight. That would be such a mundane ending to a beautiful day. (Not that you can’t find beauty in the mundane, but I can’t get the rest of today off of my mind.) Brian McLaren was at UBC, and boy was I glad to see him. It was good to have him there. I heard the talk he gave before at EC, but it fit well in the Christmas story. Anyways, I got to talk to him for just a few minutes after the service. I told him that I was indebted to him because if I had never read A New Kind of Christian my senior year of college, I would have never come to UBC or to Truett. He kind of blushed and put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Well, it’s easy to see and to feel that there is a lot of grace in this place.” I agreed, and it meant a lot to hear him say that. Since he is like a mentor to me through his books, I felt like I really understood what he meant and that he really meant it. A touching little pastoral moment between me and the B-Mc. It was actually quite lovely.

Then I went to eat Chinese food with the El Paso kids. They are this gang of sophomores in our church, and they all hale from El Paso. They amaze me. They are so smart and fun and accepting. I wish I was asking the questions they are asking when I was 19. I love them a lot actually.

My good friend John Young was ordained at his church tonight. Our mutual friend Jonathan Potter came in with his football gear on, (He was playing in the UBC jingle bowl and his team won! Sorry about that interception Ben. That had to suck.) Anyways, he brought a sign to the ordination! It said in big purple and green letters, “WAY TO GET ORDAINED JOHN!” It was pretty funny.

I’m working on a musical project. Keep reading. I want your input. No, don’t worry. I won’t be singing. I think it will be both therapeutic and meaningful. I can’t wait!!! Seriously.

2005-12-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

So if you have never heard...
live in concert, you should. It'll change your life. More later after finals are over.

Home Again

2005-12-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

After I got home yesterday, I realized there was tension in my back and my arms again. Then I realized that I was twitching again. That all started a few days after Kyle died, and it has been a few days since my grandfather died. I felt overwhelmed by all the school work that was piling up. I thought I lost my cell phone. More stress. I made it to two different parties, but I was dead on my feet. I came home to sleep but I could not.

This morning was the first time I made the right turn to go to the Hippodrome. Every other Sunday since that day, I’ve headed straight towards 17th and Dutton and then I remembered and turned around.

I was glad to be with all of them this morning even though there were many I didn’t get to see. The boys were back in full force today, and they played and sang their hearts out. They sounded better than ever. We were singing the rock opera (You are My Joy) at the top of our lungs, and I’ve never cried that way during a song like that. I cried because I felt so blessed, and then I looked over and saw Jen and I practically lost it. I lost it because my heart breaks a little more every time I see her, and because he should have been there beside her, with his hands raised, screaming about his joy at the top of his lungs- just like he was the first time we ever sang that song. Then I cried some more because I realized after all that’s happened, we can still sing about joy and mean every word. I don’t know what my life would be like without that community, and I’m not sure I have ever loved it more than this morning when we were screaming about our joy.

I’m not twitching and my back is not hurting anymore. I think I’ve found a cure for all my anxiety related problems. Keep your fingers crossed.

2005-11-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

I'm off to the funeral. I won't be back until Saturday, but hopefully I'll be able to post something before then. Thanks for the kind words and gestures. You all are wonderful.

I haven't cried much. I think in a lot of ways, I am grieved out, but my mom says that's okay. Out of all the deaths that I have had to face over the past few years, this one is the easiest to bear simply because of the long and blessed life my granddaddy lived. I just know it will be hard on my grandmother, who feels lost because she has been his wife for 64 years and they "courted" for eight years prior to that. Pray for her, and pray that I will somehow be able to finish all the work I am already behind on as well as my exams.

Love to you-
Janalee

Exactly What I Don't Want to Tell You, Exactly What You Don't Want to Hear

2005-11-27T12:23:00.000-08:00

Well, my grandfather had a massive stroke on Wednesday, and he passed away sometime this morning. I know. I can't believe it either. Although he was 89 and his quality of life has been pretty poor for awhile now, it is still really rotten timing. I'll blog more when I know more.

Love-
Janalee

Back to my Roots

2005-11-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

I thought it was time for a fun and thoughtless post. So, here you go. Every few months, I rediscover CMT. Today was that day, and what good timing it was. Tonight, I was mesmerized by a reality show about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Talk about some drama. Whew! It was intense. Worse than a beauty pageant. Cheerleading try-outs always made me want to throw up, and I wanted to throw up for some of those girls tonight. Now I am watching a special about Garth Brooks' exclusive Wal-Mart box collection. Santa, if you're listening, I've been a good girl, and I think I deserve a little Garth. Take that back, a lot of GARTH! There's a sweet tribute to Chris LeDeux, an awesome and sorely missed cowboy, as well as a cover of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's "Fishin' in the Dark." Have I ever told you that is one of my absolute favorite country songs of all time? Well, it is. I love the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. I guess this sudden reconnection to all things country may in fact be due to the fact that I'M GOING TO MISSISSIPPI IN THE MORNING! I haven't been there since May, and I miss my family, and the multi-colored foliage, and even the way it smells. I'll never live there again, but whenever I go back there are certain things from my past that I forgot I love so much. Now, if you'll excuse me, The Dukes are on now.

Theology... AAAAAHHH!

2005-11-20T20:22:00.000-08:00

Every student at Truett is required to take theological capstone, and one of the requirements of that class is writing your personal statement of faith. For some reason, this task seems daunting right now. I don't want to do it. I am still grappling with how Kyle's death affects my theology. That single event has become the new Holocaust at Truett. By that I mean, we used to ask, "How could a sovereign God allow the Holocaust to happen to a people he loved so dearly?" "Did God make that happen, or did he allow that to happen?" Now students and teachers grapple in class over God's role in his death. I'm not really sure how this makes me feel. Most of the time when I am sitting still, my thoughts drift to Kyle, Jen and the kids, Craig, Ben and Jamie, the Crowders, and UBC. Last week, I was jilted from one of those prayerful, sorrowful daydreams when a professor, who had just been giving a passionate plea for something, raised his voice a little more to say, "Why didn't the CPR work?" I really can't give you the context for it. I looked at him when I heard that, then I drifted back to wherever I was.

I don't blame people for talking about this in class. Although in many ways, they are outsiders, they too have been affected. I guess some parts of me just know that this is too big to figure out. There is no great answer for the question of why. I don't know if there is any theological concept that is going to put it all into words and make me feel any better. That would just be too easy. I did really love what Craig, a very close friend of Kyle's, had to say. It did make me feel better.

"Rest assured and don't lose heart-- I do not blame God. The person who has
helped me get through Kyle's death is Kyle. The God Kyle worshipped, the God Kyle modeled and who I adopted because of Kyle, is a God who does not cause all things to happen, but allows us to live in a world where fatal accidents happen and who grieves with us."

So many things are so uncertain right now, but there are some things I know. I know that God is near us. I know He was there at lovefeast tonight when Avery wrapped her little arms around my neck. I know that the love we have in our hearts for each other is from Him. I know that God is somehow drawing lots of folks deeper into our community right now. And I know that on October 30, God simultaneously welcomed his beloved child home and wept for the beloved children who were so devastated. Like Craig said, I know he is still grieving with us now. That is a God whom I can love and worship and serve.

Another Year, Another Candle on the Cake

2005-11-14T18:46:00.000-08:00

In light of everything that's happened these past two week, part of me wanted to cancel my birthday this year. Part of me feels a little guilty in celebrating it, but the better part of me knows that is a silly thought. It was good, however. It was good because it made me feel loved, and I needed that. I got a massage which was very relaxing and timely, and a ton of good wishes on facebook. My roommate left me a string of gifts in different places today, which lead up to the ultimate gift I got at Outback tonight. Are you ready for this? Drumroll.......................

A Ticket to the premiere of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Dallas at IMAX!!!!!

Needless to say, I am thrilled, and I will get to share that with some good friends. That makes it even better.

Part of me is sad though, because I am thinking about my birthday last year and what a great, life-giving time that was. Kyle and I worked at putting together a night where the Truett students at UBC could hang out with our staff. I think that was the time when I felt like I got closer to him, and that we really became friends. The only night we could do the dinner just happened to be the night of my 25th birthday, and as you can look back and read it was one of the best nights I have ever had in Waco. Here's what I said about it a year ago:

Oh Happy Day...

My 25th birthday was the best one on record. No big surprises or huge gifts, just time spent with some really incredible people- some whom I have known for what seems like forever and love deeply and others who are still strangers on some levels but who are making my heart grow so that I can hold even more love for them. I know that sounds overly cheesy and sappy and sentimental, but it's the honest truth.You see, I really didn't have a birthday party or anything. For a long time I had wanted for all the Truett kids at UBC and our staff to have dinner together, and yesterday was the only day it worked out for us to do that.
Josh offered up his house for a meeting place, and I spent all day yesterday making soup in his kitchen. I scorched the potato soup and blew up Drew's blender making the tomato basil, but other than that cooking was fun. People showed up at 6:30, and we had a great time.
After people left, Kelly stopped by and she and Josh and I hung out in the parlor. I told them that it was the most beautiful day I have ever had in the rootless and transient town of Waco, TX. Kelly expressed that she could tell that this night was really good for me because my whole demeanor had changed. For a night, I reconnected with one of my favorite parts of who I am. It had almost been tragically forgotten. It was like I was back in college planning something great for all the Laguna girls. Being the president of Laguna was probably the one thing that I know I loved doing more than any other, and it's the one thing that I'm pretty sure I was good at. At this point in my life I don't aspire to one day be a sorority president again, but it's always been about more than that.
Last night I was able to put into words a passion I have held for a
long time. I really love creating spaces and times where people whom I love can really have a sense of belonging. Sometimes the word community seems like a trendy emerging catchword, but last night, I realized that it has been one of the most important things in my life
for a long time. I am really passionate about building and fostering community, and that is something I could spend the rest of my life doing. I realize this passion manifests itself in many forms, but I am just glad I've learned how to verbally express what it is I love doing.
Last night I came home and cried because I was so happy. Then I cried some more because I had forgotten what happy tears felt like. I cried again when I woke up this morning because I had forgotten what it was like to wake up feeling so happy. Thank you God for knowing what I need just when I need it. Thanks for answering my prayers and letting something really good happen here.
I still get pretty emotional when I read this. That was a turning point for
me in Waco. I think I may have really hated being here up until then, and now
I'm wondering how I will make it if I have to leave my friends and my
church. Maybe that won't be an issue. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Music and the Road...Part one

2005-11-13T16:04:00.000-08:00

This weekend I traveled to Hot Springs, Arkansas for my cousin's wedding. I really didn't want to go because of all that going on right now. I had to miss the UBC fall retreat and that was sad. It was good, however, to see my mom for the first time in like six months. It was also a pretty drive and the leaves were pretty. By that I mean they were about 20 different shades like they always are at home in Mississippi and not two different shades like they are in Texas.

It was really good to be on the road with my music. On the way there, I listened to lots of Coldplay. In my mind, I know that Chris Martin wrote most of those songs for Gwyneth Paltrow, but right now, it seems like so many of them are just for us ubc folks. Kyle Lake loved Coldplay, and it's almost eerie how some of those songs are so appropriate for us now. Some lines haunt me....

Nobody said it was easy
Oh itÂs such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
- The Scientist, Rush of Blood to the Head, 2002

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.
Oh, all that I know,
ThereÂs nothing here to run from,
Âcause everybody hereÂs got somebody to lean on.
-Don't Panic, Parachutes, 2000

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
-Fix You, X&Y, 2005

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someosome oneeone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come,
and set me free,
Just say you'll wait,
you'll wait for me.
In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you say,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
- Til Kingdom Come, X&Y, 2005. (this was our "offertory hymn" today. haha. oh how I love my church!)

Typically, I hate it when people post song lyrics on their blogs. I guess it's because I would rather hear about their lives on their blog and listen to songs on the radio, but sometimes, songs are poetry. Poetry, as defined by Terry York, is truth on the surface that points to a deeper truth still. It 's good that there are things around us, like music and poetry, to help us express our feelings when we can't do it on our own. Yes it's secular, but like a friend said the other day, for Kyle there wasn't much of a line between the sacred and the secular. Where Kyle saw truth and beauty, he saw fingerprints of the Almighty. Now it seems that we are comforted in the fingerprints of God in the music that Kyle loved so much. For that, I am grateful.

Something funny...kind of

2005-11-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

Due to all the stress of this past week, the school work I am behind on, and the busiest time of year for my job, I have developed a nervous tic. I twitch. I think it started in the middle of the week last week. I said something about it to Josh on Sunday, but today in Hebrew I probably did it about 10 times. Sometimes my head twitches. Sometimes just my arm. Sometimes it's my whole upperbody. Tonight in college ministry class, my leg even twitched once. I know it's just a product of stress and my body's weird way of dealing with it, but it's annoying, and kind of funny at the same time. Everyone who I tell about it kind of chuckles. Especially Ubcers. Suprising? Well, maybe not if you really knew us. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday. Until then, don't be alarmed if my body moves in unnatural ways when you see me. Sounds a little like a Seinfeld episode doesn't it? I hope Craig, Kyle's close friend and the biggest Seinfelf fan ever, will laugh when I tell him. That might actually make my uncanny medical problem worthwhile.

Going Forward

2005-11-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

So today was a more normal day than I have had in awhile. Next week is Operation Christmas Child Collection week, and I am so far behind that it may flop and it will be no one's fault but my own. Apart from almost having an anxiety attack, it was good to be busy. I got frustrated at one point. I was just thinking about everything, and wishing that we could all feel better. I don't want to forget about Kyle in anyway. My obsessive posting should give evidence of this. However, I just wish things weren't so hard for all of us. Grieving yourself is hard enough, but grieving with your whole community I think is harder still. Yes, it's good to have each other, but you don't only hurt for yourself, but you hurt for everyone around you. When I lost my dad, I had plenty of folks from my church there to comfort me. Now my whole church needs to be comforted and my family is so far away but still comforting me to the best of their ability.

I had a few really good moments tonight. I've wanted to be about this business of living life to the fullest, and I guess that as we've experienced this tragedy with friends and as we've grieved together, we've been doing that even in the midst of such awful circumstances. Tonight, however, I felt like I had a moment away from it all. I bought strawberries and dipping chocolate for supper. Kelly and I sat around our coffee table in gourmet heaven, sipping some really incredible chardonnay. She purposely got some chocolate on her nose and I laughed until I almost puked. Haha. I savored those few moments, and I thought to myself that this is exactly what Kyle was talking about. Maybe this business of enjoying life again will commence sooner than I expected.

Aaaah....if only Kelly would have been a cute boy.

Zach Braff Connections?

2005-11-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

One of the first things I said to Josh last Sunday was, "He never got to preach about Garden State, and he loved that movie so much." Today, my seminary was an akward place for my church community to meet, but the movie clips we watched could not have been more perfect. I know Zach Braff will probably never read what I posted on his blog today, but I wish there was some way he could know our story. If you've never seen Garden State, it's a movie about a young man learning about home, and life, and what it means to feel and be. That's what Kyle's last sermon was about too. I 'll post it when the manuscript is on-line, but until then here's what I said on the garden state blog. (If you would like to listen to our service today, you can do so at www.ubcwaco.org)

Hi Zach and Garden State Fans-

My friends and I love this movie for multiple reasons, but after this week we love it for one million more.

My friend and pastor, Kyle Lake was a huge Garden State fan. Last week he was tragically killed during a freak accident during a baptism. You can read the full story here www.ubcwaco.org
Every year, Kyle would do a "God and the Movies" series at our church. Each Sunday for a month, he would review a popular film from the past year, and talk about the deeper spiritual truths within it. Last Sunday was the first of the series, and he was going to talk about Garden State. He had been so looking forward to that Sunday for a long time, but Kyle never had the opportunity to preach that sermon himself. Today, as our church gathered again in the absence of our beloved leader, we read the last sermon he ever wrote. It was beautiful. I don't know if anyone knows Zach personally, and Zach I don't know if you will ever read this, but I would love for you to be able to understand how your film impacted our community. Here is the ending to Kyle sermon. I hope you all enjoy it.

Live. And Live Well.BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.

The long awaited week's end

2005-11-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

This week is almost over, and I could not be more thankful. I've thought I've felt better the past two days, but then there are moments when I am exhausted with grief. Today I was thinking that I just want this to be over with and for us all to feel good again. Then I realized that it's not really something that ends, but hopefully in time, we'll all feel better. Until then, we are trying to grieve well just as Kyle wrote. That's one that I wished he would've explained a little more.

In the morning, we will meet at Truett. Props to Common Grounds, Baylor's fave coffee house, for donating coffee for us. Kyle was probably the best patron that place will ever see, and so it seems like a fitting tribute for us to enjoy a cowboy coffee for him tommorrow. I dread tomorrow in a way, but I'll be glad for us all to be together. We still need your prayers. This week has shown me that I love this community more than I ever realized before. (go back and read my post from the 28th) I also realized how much they love me. Thank God we have each other UBCers. I only hope that in the days and weeks to come our community and love for each other grows even deeper.

God you are still good. Help us all to remember that.

Kyle's Last Sermon

2005-11-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

This is the ending I was telling you about. Incredible.

Live. And Live Well.BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.Get knee-deep in a noveland LOSE track of time.If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own. If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.

2005-11-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

The funeral was yesterday. Apart from the completely un-Kyle Lake-like organ music, it was practically perfect. The people who spoke about Kyle's life really painted a complete picture of who he was to me, and I even felt like I knew him better after they spoke. But you know, you really didn't have to know Kyle to feel like he was your best friend. For twenty or so minutes every Sunday, I felt like I was having a conversation with an old friend about the deep things of God, the things which really matter most in life. God only knows how much I will miss those conversations which felt more like coffee with a friend than sermons from a preacher. I felt like there were so many things left unsaid until Dr. Burleson, the officiating pastor at the funeral, read the closing of the sermon that Kyle never got to preach. It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing my ears have ever heard. As one of the leaders in our church said, "I think that's the best s*#t he's ever written." If you are familar with his work, you know that is saying a lot. I think it will be on line tomorrow, and I'll post it here. I have been using the word "divine" to describe it because I don't really think that there is any other explanation for those words to be the last he ever wrote.

As I silently cried in the service, I thought to myself, I wish that every Christian could be here to hear this. I wish that every person in the world could know the joy that comes from life with Jesus the way Kyle lived and expierenced it. That may sound cheesy, but I really was thinking it. I know that those of us who are experiencing this so deeply right now will never be the same. I only hope that however we change, we will live and love our God and all the beauty he has created more deeply than we ever imagined we could. Thank you Kyle, for showing me a glimpse of that. Thank you for drawing me, with your insights and charisma, to the best community I could ever imagine. Thank you for teaching me the beauty of the entire concept and reality of community. Thank you for helping me to see that God is much more likeable than I ever understood him to be. Thank you for proving to me that it is actually okay to say things like that. Thank you for the the example you gave me for the kind of minister that I now desperately want to be. God help me love people as much as Kyle Lake did. God use me in the lives of those around me the way you used Kyle in my life. Let me love you and life the way he did. All thanks and praise be to you O God who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ever ask or imagine. Amen.

2005-10-31T22:14:00.000-08:00

Love God. Embrace Beauty. And Live Life to the Full. Kyle closed every service with these words. He lived them, and he taught me so much about living them.

I spent most of today helping take care of Kyle's three children and his six nieces and nephews, all under five. The kids are doing as well as they can be.

Visitation was tonight. It was really hard. Probably over a thousand people were there.

A few of us went to Cricket's afterwards. It's a favorite UBC bar and grill. It was good to be together. Josh and I walked out of the resturant and into the parking lot, and we saw Dee for the first time in a long time. She is a homeless who hangs out around the Whitehouse (Waco's version of Portland's GraceLand or Testosterhome.... if you haven't read Donald Miller you really should)and Josh and his roommates have befriended her. We bought her supper and gave her a ride. Josh explained what had happened. I expected her to not say much about it for some reason, but when we stopped the car, she took my hand and Josh's hand, and she prayed for us. I can't put it into words right now, but I think it might have been one of the most beautiful kingdom of God moments I've ever been a part of. This African American woman who barely has a roof over her head prayed for my pastor's family and our fairly affluent and prodominanately caucasian church. Like I said, I can't really explain it now, but it was something pretty huge.

The funeral is tomorrow at 1:30 (well now that would be today actually). Please continue to pray for our community. We will be meeting in Truett Seminary Chapel for the next several weeks. I don't know if I can answer all the e-mails I've gotten, but know that all of you are appreciated. Keep reading my blog for updates.

Tragedy

2005-10-30T14:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to say right now, but please just read this and keep us all in your prayers. We are devastated.

This morning, Sunday October 30th, our pastor Kyle Lake was involved in an accident during a baptism and was transported by EMS to a nearby hospital. Kyle Lake passed away around 11:30am. Not only did we lose a pastor but we've lost our friend. Funeral services are pending and we will update the website as soon as we have more information.There will be a gathering tonight at 8pm at First Baptist Church Waco which is located on the Corner of 5th and Clay. This is a chance for reflection, an opportunity to be with friends and to pray. There will be counselors available if anyone needs to talk to anyone. Please continue to keep the Lake family in your prayers.

Sincerely,
Ben Dudley
Community Pastor
University Baptist Church
www.ubcwaco.org

Like it?

2005-10-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yaaah! A new format and a new name. I think I like it. Ganked the name from an Andrew Peterson song, which ganked it from The Lord of the Rings. Ganked the quote from Terry York, hymn writer extraordinare and beloved professor at Truett Seminary. (Actually, I came up with the synonomous part.) Two special people and a very special book for Janalee. I think it might grow on me.

Next week is crazy because there is a project due for every class, but we are starting this 30-day prayer experiment at my church. It's called Surprise me God! Should be interesting. You can read more about it here www.surprisemegod.com We are supposed to blog about our experiences, so I am going to do my best to keep up.

And welcome to all of you folks from my beloved UBC. Sorry I've never been very public about my blog. I hope you enjoy it. I sure do enjoy knowing all of you. You are my church crush. Of all the communities of faith in the world, I love you the most. You are the cutest, funniest, and coolest church I know, and sometimes you even make me a little giddy. That's why I'm always so excited when I get to see you on Sunday mornings. It's why I still walk into the doors sometimes, feeling like a little jr. high girl. Way to silly and way too akward and too weird for my amazing crush. Come to think of it, while you are still my crush, over the past couple of years, I think I've pretty much fallen in love. Yes, you frustrate me sometimes, but when I am away from you for too long, my heart seriously aches. Sometimes I cut vacations and holidays short just so I can get back to you. I get really upset at the thought that I might have to leave you in the coming months. Graduation feels more like the enemy than the friend right now, because it might be the thing that parts me from you. Well, now you know how sappy I can be, but I know you'll still love me, and that fact makes me smile.

Are you blushing yet?

So in your opinion....

2005-10-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

I had to republish my blog to make those silly spam messages go away. I think it kind of looks goofy now. I'm ready for a change. I need your suggestions. Also, I'm thinking seriously about a change in title, maybe something less country, but I really like how the idea started. Take a gander at my first few posts in May of 2004 for a detailed history of "Confessions of an Unlikely Cracker Barrel Junkie". I've always known there is a bit of paradox in that statement b/c for most I would not seem like an unlikely choice for a cracker barrel fanatic because of my crazy accent.

Lots of pics and things to share with you about my weekend, but that'll just have to wait. My bed is calling my name!!!

But seriously, readership, let me know what you'd like to see on my blog, both visually, thematically, and topically.

2005-10-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

You are Woodstock!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by

Tagged

2005-10-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

Don't you remember playing these games over e-mail in college. They were fun, and now they have entered the blog world.

5 Things I plan to do before I die:

Drive across country
Graduate seminary
Live outside the Bible belt
Meet a president
fall in love

5 things I can do:

cook
throw awesome parties
speak in front of an audience
the splits
write (Terry York says so, not me, but if he says it it has to be true.)

5 things I can't do:

sing
loose my accent
loose weight
lie
math

5 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

what he's like around people
compassion
brains
some one who makes me laugh and cry
love for children

5 things I say most often:

Hey ______ (insert honey, baby, sweetie, or darlin. pick your personal favorite.)
The new David Crowder CD is stinkin' awesome.
I don't wanna do my homework
I haven't seen you in forever
What are you doing for lunch?

5 celebrity crushes:

Donald Miller
Rob Lowe (really Sam Seaborn)
Noah Wylie
Bradley Whitford (really Josh Lyman)
Tucker Carlson (I like nerds, and as you can see, I am bipartisan when it comes to romance.)

5 people I want to do this: (do five people even read my blog?)

John Young
Phillip Crum
Katie McKown (you can do it on facebook)
Vernon Bowen
Josh Brewer (you should actually write something on your blog. that would be fun.)

If you happen to be reading....

2005-10-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

So if you read this anytime over the course of the next few days, please pray for me as I am speaking at a disciple now. (really, it's a worship now, but the two are really the same thing) Anyways, I was trying to count how many d-nows I've done since I've been in seminary and college. I've lost track, but I know that it is well over 20. However, I've never been asked to preach for an event like this. I'm both excited and nervous. I really hope God uses me to communicate something important to these students, and that I don't act stupid or try too hard to impress all of my seminary friends that will be there. I know the message I have is bigger than I could ever be. I just pray that my insecurity and desire to look good won't stand in the way of what God wants to do.

Love and peace to you my friends.

My week in poetry

2005-09-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

Truett's resident poet, Terry York, told us that sometimes he journals in poetry. Since I esteem him so dearly I figured I might as well give it a shot, and I might as well share it with someone since it's not really all that personal.

I found grace this week in a long awaited cool night
And in songs that are new and old
In faces long forgotten
And in dreams still unforetold

I felt like a child this week with a jubilant expectation
And with a fear of the unknown
With a yearning to cling to someone, something
And with the realization of how much I’ve grown

I faced challenges this week from unexpected places
And from a fearless social prophet
From people who I still don’t understand
And from the lack of cash that’s in my pocket

I lived deeply this week through the grace that I’ve been given
And through remembering things both precious and true
Through poetry that reminds us of what is important
And through focusing on the present while glancing in the rear view

______________________________________________________

P.S. I had lunch with Tony Campolo this week. It was every bit as amazing as you might imagine. I jumped on the facebook band wagon, and I'm a total addict. People from Kossuth, MC, FBC Clinton, and friends here at Baylor. Almost too much and completely dangerous for a social butterfly like me. I also kind of freaked out b/c the next "move" is on the horizon, and it's downright scary. In theological capstone, we began reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel", and anything related to Brennan Manning is always an emotional experience for me. I worshipped all week long in my car screaming, "You are my joy, you are my joy, you are my joy, you are my JOOOOOOOOOOOY." Yes, and I'm still laughing so hard. A busy week, but yet a great week as you can see.

A Collision is Here!

2005-09-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

It's an exciting week in the life of our church. The David Crowder* Band's latest CD, A Collision (or 3 +4=7), was released Tuesday, and the CD release party was at our church on Monday night. Seriously, I think this CD is freaking awesome. I don't want to over-hype it for you, but I really think that you will enjoy it. The words and the music are powerful. Track 15 is a rock opera that makes me want to jump into a huge mosh pit of praise. I've never felt that before. It's pretty cool. There is also a song with whistling and a keytar (that keyboard guitar thing from back in the day) that makes me want to be in an 80's teenie movie. There is a song we've been singing in church for a few months now, called "Rescue is Coming". I don't think I've ever heard a song with so much hope. It's real. It might make you cry. Then, of course, there is "the hoe down" cover of "I Saw the Light", and it's just a ball of knee- slappin', foot-tappin' fun. Really you've just got to buy this CD.

I know it's sounds like I'm shamelessly advertising for the band, but these songs are really a part of my life. We sing them in our church almost every Sunday, and so for me, they've become a sort of liturgy. I feel this music deeply. Sometimes I wonder if it just that amazing, worshipful, and experiential, or if my ties to the community from which that music is born stir something in me in a way that other music cannot. That's why I'm so pumped about this CD.

P.S. A Collision is number three on itunes top albums. Can you believe that? It's so exciting!!!

Reality

2005-09-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, I'll tell you what went down with the D-man. I could tell you about my fantasy of us meeting backstage at chapel then going out to lunch together, parting ways for the afternoon, and him coming over to my apartment for a beer after his last event of the day. At the end of the night, he'd ask me for my phone number, and promise he'd call me from the road. He'd leave and give me a kiss on the cheek, and then we would speculate as to when we might cross paths again.

Well, let me tell you kids, fantasy is better than reality. The truth is, I went to both the 10 and 11 chapel at Baylor, and I stood not three feet from Donald Miller, and I never talked to him. There were people around him that I had not seen in a long time, and we chatted for a while, and then it was time for chapel to start. For lunch some people who work in my office, got to eat with him, but they did not call me. I was really upset when I found out, and I acted like a baby. (Sorry if I took that out on anyone who may read this. I really love the people in my office. I just kind of got my feelings hurt a little, but no one involved really understood how much I love Donald Miller.) Anyways, I went to hear him that night at the Sub. It was a more informal book reading with a question and answer time. My friend Chrissy saved me a seat. I swear, that once again I was not six feet away from him. There were lots of people there, and we were smack-dab on the front row. I was embarrassed because there were lots of folks I knew there, and I was afraid that I would look like a stalker. Afterwards, there was a long line of folks waiting to talk to him. I opted to go out and eat with Josh instead because we haven't been able to hang out much lately.

That's about it. As Derek Webb says, "the truth is never sexy." It's more fun to live with the fanciful ideas about romance, but the truth is that romance isn't a part of my life right now, and it hasn't been for quite sometime. Maybe that's why I talk about D. Miller so much. It's safe. We'll probably never know each other so it could never get awkward. Sometimes I wish I was a guy, so that when I like somebody, it would be acceptable for me to actually do something about it. People talk about girls when we do something about it. One of the things I've learned the hard way is that chasing the guy, nine times out of ten, leads to embarrassment. Not doing anything leads to frustration, but embarrassment is usually worse.

I think from now on, I'll start living in the land of reality, which right now provides for exactly zero romance. There is hope, however. There is always hope.

Say a little pray for me...

2005-09-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

I've got lots to tell you about, but I'm thinking it will all have to wait. Most importantly, tomorrow is a huge day in the life of Janalee. Why you ask? Donald Miller is speaking in chapel, and I'm going to go hear him, and maybe even go backstage and have a conversation with him. Pray that no one is there to thwart anything by talking about relaxing certain parts of their body this time. No clue what in the world I will say. Should have told you sooner so we could have taken a poll. Anyways, just keep me on you mind between the hours of 9:30 til around noon. I'm excited. Bought a new outfit for the occasion. Hope I can sleep tonight.

A Very Disheartening Conversation

2005-09-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had one of the most disturbing conversations during my time here in Waco. I was talking to a group of freshmen on campus, and the conversation went something like this…

Me: “Has anyone done anything over the past week to get involved with the relief efforts for Hurricane Katrina?” (this was a service requirement I knew they had been given)

One Happy Girl: “I took some donations to a church here in town”.

Dark-headed girl: “I went home and there’s a big shelter there. Me and my mom took some food and other stuff there.”

Me: “That’s great. Did you get to talk to any of the people who had evacuated?”

Dark-headed girl: “ Well no. They were mean and scary. I mean they were like the scum of New Orleans.”

Me: Mouth unapologetically hanging wide open. Sitting there not knowing what to say.

Other students sitting around me: “Well they probably were. It was all the poor people and homeless and drug addicts that couldn’t get out.”

Me: (regaining my composure) “Yes, I understand that those who had the least were those who were not able to leave on their own, and who are now in these large shelters….”

(Something else was said at this point. I really can't remember how we transitioned to this next line of conversation.)

Happy girl: “Do you ever wonder where the people who stand on the corner with the signs begging for food get the marker to make the sign?”

(I know we’ve all heard that one before. The students started speculating.)

Red-headed boy: “I’m always surprised they can write it themselves.”

Me: (Jaw drops to the floor again.) “I think that we need to remember that homelessness is not something people are born into. There are some homeless people here in Waco that have college degrees.” I ended this conversation in a min-sermon about how we should love and respect the poor and summarized the verses about how when we help the poor, hungry, thirsty, and those in prison that’s what Jesus says we are doing to him.

I understand that these kids have lived all their lives in middle class or even upper class families. Many of them have probably never even had conversations with those who live below the poverty level. Still, it was just a completely sad conversation, and it seemed that I was the only person in the room who really realized it. Maybe I’m exaggerating all this in my head, but it is helping to confirm something I’ve been thinking for awhile. Not teaching our children to love and help the poor could be one of the biggest failures of our country and our churches. God help us.

Devastation for Mississippi's Mecca

2005-09-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of Gulfshore Baptist Assembly in Pass Christian, MS where I attended camp in the summer or '95 and worked as a staffer in 2000. It's the major retreat center for Mississippi Baptist and we used to call it Mecca. The Auditorium (not pictured) is basically destroyed. I heard that everything on Henderson's Point is gone, so it's kind of amazing that this much of the building is still there. It' s pretty sad. There are lots of sweet little Mississippi Baptist who look forward to coming here each summer. There are also lots of fine folks who worked there too. I'm hoping they are all okay. Thanks to my friend Soccer Stacey for the picture.

Frustrations with my Arrogance

2005-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

While driving home from work and reflecting upon my day, I grew possibly as frustrated as I have ever been with white people like myself. A montage of events from the past week brought this about, so I’ll share them with you now.

· I was slightly in disagreement with a friend who spoke out against the media and the politicians calling Hurricane Katrina America’s tsunami. When I first heard the phrase America’s tsunami, I also thought that this was a stretch, but speaking out against such things seems to lessen the overwhelming tragedy. The tsunami was a bigger catastrophe than Katrina in terms of loss of life. I wish the Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi would not have made the comparison, but I will not and have not made a huge deal of this because people I know have been affected and the scope of this tragedy is also overwhelming. Spending time focusing on how another tragedy was so much worse than the current one really doesn’t fix anything, but it is easy to see that we are more affected by tragedy in our homeland than devastation on the other side of the world.
· Would the government’s response have been quicker if those stranded in New Orleans would have been white rather than people of color? I honestly don’t know. I hate the fact that we even have to raise this question, but in our world it is hard not to.
· People who lived on the Gulf Coast are now called refugees. Rev. Jesse Jackson came on CNN and blasted the media for using this term. “These are Americans”, he said. The term refugee bothers me as well. People I know and love are being called refugees, and this troubles and grieves me, yet I have never had a problem with Sudanese people, or Iraqi people, or people of other nationalities being termed as “refugees”.
· At work, I am helping to plan and publicize an emphasis on extreme global poverty and the ONE campaign. Today I met with a group of leaders on our campus to discuss this. One question was, “So were is the one percent from the U.S. budget going to come from? If it is education or something important like that, I’m not sure that I am for it.” This is never a question that I would ever think to ask. The more I thought about the statement the more bothered I was by it. Do we value the education of American children more than we value the lives of African children? Our government provides free lunches for children who come from low income families, and that program is going nowhere, but children in Africa are literally starving to death. What are we doing about that? The person who said this is a friend of mind, and a much smarter person than me. I don’t believe he is anti- the fight against global poverty. Still, I question the values of every American in this debate because of the apathy we’ve shown in the past
What do all these things say about the way we value people? I do believe, as I have heard more than one Christian leader say, that extreme global poverty is the biggest moral issue of our time, and that Christians should be more focused on saving people’s lives than being anti-homosexuality and keeping women out of pulpits which we often seem to waste too much energy on. How do we bring this issue to the forefront within the Church? When do we start to value children of all nationalities and races as if they could be our own? When will the value of human life really become something that is global and not just an issue of abortion in America? When will I stop spending my money at the Gap and giving it to people who just lost everything? Will my heart ever break for those across the ocean who live in dire circumstance day in and day out the way it has broken for Americans who have experienced poverty and loss suddenly? I am a selfish and arrogant American. God forgive me. Maybe it’s just natural to care about those we are personally involved with, and the places that we’ve been and love. This is why I want to go to Africa in May and see and experience all I can. Maybe then I’ll grow to love a place and a people that I hear rock stars talk about, a people who really have nothing, and who don’t know what it is like to have anything. Maybe that will teach me to really value all people in all places.